She’ll continue with the relationship for as long as she gets something out of it, which she obviously must.
Something that made me think was when I heard a psychologist talking about adultery. She said something like: Women are often flattered when a married man is so attracted to her that he is willing to risk his marriage to be with her, as if it is proof that she’s so enchanting as not to be ignored. What he’s really saying is that he thinks you’re the kind of woman who will take his sloppy seconds and less than you deserve. He thinks so little of you that he knows you’re desperate enough to be his dirty little secret while his wife continues to be his partner. Hardly a compliment.
I had a similar experience with a co-worker once. She was having an affair with a married co-worker. They went to the usual lengths to keep it a secret - i.e. - lying to their co-workers and friends. My opinion of her just dropped, because I felt I could no longer trust her honesty.
Unless your colleague is prepared to admit openly to the affair, including to the wife, she’s a liar and not worthy of trust. I don’t compartmentalize someone’s basic honesty - if they’re prepared to lie on one major issue, they’re prepared to lie on others. Dunno if you agree or would be willing to share that with your colleague, or if she would say that the idea of personal honesty is just another of those outmoded concepts. :dubious:
Mrs Piper and I had been good friends with this colleague before this happened. We just dropped her from our social life and from then on, only dealt with her as the job required.
That’s exactly what happened in the case I mentioned. The cheating guy moved in a good social circle. We got the impression that the cheating gal thought she’d just replace the wife and get the entrée into cheating guy’s social circle.
Instead, most of cheating guy’s friends were outraged by the way cheating guy treated his wife, dropped him, and closed ranks around the wife. Cheating gal never got the entrée.
Cheating guy and gal eventually got the message and moved to another province. We heard later that she dumped him - for a guy she was cheating with. :smack:
Don’t want to turn **Bricker’s ** thread into IMHO, but a case study like this may be of assistance.
I would have thought the opposite - that she thinks rather too much of herself. In that she thinks she isn’t just his sloppy seconds, when objective evidence points otherwise.
Well, we’re having a working lunch again next week, and if we have a semi-private moment, I’ll pass on some of the insights that have developed here.
A day of reflection has, however, made me think that, as many of you said above, this isn’t going to be a deal where I can assemble a solid logical case and she’ll say, “By gosh, you’re right. I shall end my dishonest philandering and send him back to his wife!”
She may feel that the moral code is outdated, but the vast majority of people do not. She lives in a world where most people will mouth the word ‘whore’ as soon as she turns her back. Wether she thinks this is right, wether this is right makes very little difference, as it will be the case.
Alternatively, the fact that she’s running around *telling * people about her married boyfriend indicates to me that she has no sense of discretion, and is unworthy of trust.
That may be, but I’m getting a different read on it. If she truly thought well of herself, she wouldn’t need to ego boost of stealing someone else’s man.
Well, so far as I can tell, she’s not broadcasting it. Yes, she told me, but I (a) work in another physical office, in another state, than she does, (b) have known her since before she came to work here, and (c) saved her life in the war.
The two things are not necessarily mutually exclusive, of course. She could be seeking some sort of validation or value from him that she can’t get from herself. Wishful thinking of a sort.
How about just telling her that you’re disappointed in her? Not that you’re her parent or anything, but something that blunt might have some power to shake her faith that she’s doing an okay thing.
Northern Piper, I was working with a couple of guys once, and one guy started having an affair with the other guy’s wife. They were all friends at work and outside of work (wives too), and they all had young families. It was extremely interesting how the social environment at work got after we all found out about the affair (the guys still had to work together, and we all worked with both of them). The guy who had the affair ended up transferring out of town. We didn’t get together and have a meeting and decide it was awful or anything, and we all tried to stay professional, but there was no doubt that no one approved of what he was doing.
This is hilarious from either a business or personal standpoint. People make promises for all sorts of considerations. When a contract dispute comes to a court, the court generally doesn’t give two hoots about WHY the contract was entered into (other than fraud, coercion or something like that). It’s simply concerned with whether the terms are being observed.
If the cheating lying scumbag husband agrees that he made a promise only in response to outdated considerations, the proper recourse do is to seek to legally void the contract (i.e., divorce), not to pretend it doesn’t exist.
And from a business perspective, her proper action is to not leave herself open to a charge of “tampering.”
Well duh. How else could you know if a guy’s a good catch if he hasn’t already been caught?
I do think there is a smidge of truth in the ‘Hey, I’m not the one doing the cheating’ rationale and hate how much the ‘other woman’ is targeted over the cheating man… but that only applies to flings. Any man or woman delusional enough to think ‘It’ll me different with ME, he’ll only cheat this once!’ are just asking for it.
Or, Bricker, you could MYOB. She’s a big girl, obviously intellegent - making, and rationalizing, a stupid mistake. But she was wrong to share it with you and there is no need for you to participate in the second sin happening here. She’ll learn on her own, or she won’t, but my guess is anything you can tell her is going to sound patronizing and isn’t going to do much more than annoy her and convince her to “prove you wrong.”