(1) Are you two really close friends? If not, I think you’re unnecessarily risking your own peace of mind by embarking on a campaign to dissuade her. She’s a shark – best treat her at arm’s length.
(2) In my experience, people who are sharks in business, often are sharks in personal life. They tend to go hand in hand. In other words, those 3 a.m. messages should have been a warning signal, not something to admire.
(3) When it comes right down to it, nobody’s forcing the guy to cheat on his wife.
(4) While I do agree with and accept the warnings of the posters here who offer anecdotes of the fate of the “other woman” … on the other hand, there *are *anecdotes about the “other woman” and the cheating husband eventually living wonderful lives together, aren’t there?
Whatever makes him quite the catch, it is unlikely to be unchanged by the ordeal that will result when his wife discovers the affair and drags him through several years of expensive and traumatic divorce proceedings. But I’m sure she’ll be happy to finally have free and clear a broken shell of a man in 2012.
This added to the concept “it’s not personal, it’s just business”. That’s exactly what I thought when I read this post. It seemed to me that at the contrary someone ambitious, very goal-driven, and able to ignore the personal consequences because “it’s business” would be the person most likely not to give a shit about the cheated on spouse/competitor.
Not that I care much, anyway. And besides if someone’s guilty, it’s the married man. The OP’s friend indeed didn’t make any promise to her lover’s wife.
And it’s not like it’s extremely unusual and only the worst scum would ever have an affair with a married man/woman.
My ex husband and the bimbo he cheated on me with have been married fifteen years and are - as far as I’ve heard - happy. I have heard that they have at times had a dramatic “open” marriage - with some strife, but all those rumors are a decade old or more now and they are still married and have kids.
Seconded. Interventions are best left to those close to someone, parent, sibling, best friend, etc. You’ve already acted as a Jimminy Cricket. If she chooses not to listen, and the guy continues to tango with her, they’re the ones who end up with asses ears and tails. Pity the betrayed wife, pray it isn’t too traumatic on all parties involved, but your piece is said and done. You have no standing to press this issue on. You’re not a next friend, you’re just a co-worker from another office. Someone she feels is so removed from her social circle that you can be used as a sounding board without repercussion. Re-establish the relationship as a professional one and keep it there would be my, somewhat hard-hearted and cynical, advice.
On a more personal note, and feel free to ignore me or tell me to take a flying leap if you prefer, consider your own motivations. The tenor of the OP, to my ear at least, was more one of frustration at losing an argument than concern for the parties emotional well-being. More of an “I failed, I want a second chance” than “she’s in trouble, how can I help?” Both motives are almost certainly present, but one of them probably shouldn’t be.
There’s been some drama in this story in the intervening year and a half, involving move-outs, pending divorces, reconcilations, move-back-ins, and canceled divorce plans, but it now appears that the divorce is a fait accompli and Mr. Goodcatch Cheaterson is moving in with Ms. Ambitious Cheatypants, with plans to wed as soon as the divorce comes through.
No idea if anyone cares, but I remembered posting the beginning of the saga and thought some might be interested in the end.
Update us again when Mrs. Cheatypants-Cheaterson weeps about how her husband has been, gasp of shock and surprise, cheating on her and is going to leave her.
Thanks for the heads-up. Why am I not surprised that much drama ensued?
And let me add that I doubt she’d be so clear-headed about “outmoded religious concepts relating to fidelity and monogamy” if/when that bombshell eventually drops. If she is, though, she gets more of my respect.
Good for the soon to be ex-Mrs. Goodcatch Cheaterson. She deserves better (and I don’t even know her, but everyone deserves better). And they deserve each other. May all parties in this saga be happy.
Is she getting married in a church? If they get pre-marital counseling, church or no church, I wonder how they’ll talk about the sanctity of marriage then.
If I were Mr. Applegate, I’d sic Lola on him about two weeks after the wedding.
On that topic, I heard something in a podcast - it might have been This American Life about how the society papers and other places have been creative in writing the “meet cute” summaries of how the new couple met each other - while one or both was already married or in a very committed relationship. It’s typically spun as a “waiting for their real love to come along” type of story, minimizing the whole cheating/homewrecking/“whoops, about that ‘til death do us part’ thing…” issues.
Yes, but its a perfectly valid business contract that enables you to get settlement money in case of breach if he were to divorce you to marry his girlfriend. Seems like the safest thing for her to do at this point.
(Straight folks sure don’t need gay folks to “ruin” the institution of marriage. We do a bang up job of it by ourselves.)
