I’ve only seen little kids (<5) stand to wipe. I always thought that was because they were too short to reach the paper. It never occurred to me that an adult would do such a thing. How odd.
Oh, and reach-around-the-side.
Have my eyes been opened.
Never in all my days had I ever contemplated wiping while still sitting*. I’m a pretty big guy now, so it wouldn’t be so easy, but even as a young 'un it was always stand up first.
*With the exception of ladies after a #1. That I knew about.
Before I got too fat to reach, I couldn’t fathom STANDING to wipe. It was, in fact, a major bummer, thinking that I must be the fattest man in the world, the only standing-wiper on Earth. But I’d often see people bigger than me, sometimes MUCH bigger, and figure that they must have a helper person or something to wipe their ass. I mean, I’m like tree-fitty, not Walter Hudson territory. But I’ve found that even “normal” people wipe standing.
Of course, when I lose weight, I’ll wipe while sitting, like a proper human.
Sickos.
Joe
Sit, reach around the side, wipe front to back.
Never once has my hand come anywhere near the water. And how do you standers not worry about leaving little pieces of TP on the floor after wiping? Eeeewwww 
Wipe while standing? Too weird.
Do you people put deoderant on with your arms down too?
Yep, I’m already in between there to wipe pee off my hoo-ha, although the poo wipe is separate. I have a large portion of paper in my hand and kind of gather an open hand until it’s closed and the area has been wiped with the center of the paper. It’s not really back to front or front to back, just central.
ETA: I’ve honsetly never used a wipe from around the back method, even when my butt was smaller.
In the spirit of empirical research, I just tried wiping while sitting. It was very awkward and difficult to keep my balance, plus I didn’t do a very good job of cleaning. I’ll stick to standing.
In the interest of science, I have prepared a report from the other side. I’ve just returned from the loo, where I wiped while sitting.
I was very surprised to find that, as people mentioned, my hand was nowhere near the water. After a couple of wipes, however, my hand did come in contact with used TP – nothing major, but obviously not something you really want to happen. I’m sure this could’ve been avoided by flushing before wiping, thus removing the…err…groundwork on which the TP was piling up, but that seems like a rather gratuitous waste of water to me.
On the positive side, I did feel like I was getting a slightly more effective wipe out of it. To those asking about how the butt cheeks are pressed together when standing, the answer is the obvious one: you pull them apart. This is not necessary when you sit, which is a nice benefit.
However, a major downfall to the sitting method is the way reading material is affected. You simply can’t continue to read while wiping if you’re hunkered over like that, trying to hold your book in one hand while wiping with the other. When standing, the book sits on the tank where you can continue to read while going about your cleaning duties – no muss, no fuss.
All in all, it’s not the horrorshow that I figured it would be, but it’s clearly not the preferred method. I’ll go as far to say it is a valid option, and I was probably a bit harsh in referring to sitters as “deviants”, but I won’t be joining the club anytime soon.
Of course, I invite everyone to give a try an opposite wiping experiment – please do report back.
ETA: Well met, fellow inquisitive mind panache45!
I had never in my life before this thought that people would (or would want to) wipe their butt standing up. I’m a female, and I have always wiped back to front sitting down. I don’t wipe so far to the front that the hoo-ha gets involved. If the hoo-ha and the pooper have to be wiped in the same trip, separate TP wads are used. I have never ever once had an issue with doing it this way. I find it very awkward to lean over, reach around my butt, and wipe front to back (even though my Mom does it that way so I don’t know why I developed my own method instead of doing what I probably was taught). I would think that standing up would just squish the poop around between the cheeks, and require additional cleaning.
Understand something about standing: It’s not a full stand, as if you’re about to stroll off to market. It’s more like a cross between squatting and standing. It’s squanding. Your butt hangs over the bowl, legs somewhat apart, leaning forward a bit. Sort of like you’re about to tackle someone. I find that that allows for optimal access.
Umm… We don’t actually try to shred the paper on our anuses? Is this actually a concern for anyone? IME, the paper always stays in one piece.
This is so timely it is spooky. My employer just moved to new digs with auto flushing toilets and I was tired of standing up and having the toilet flush repeatedly behind me so just this morning I experimented with wiping while seated. Now I discover my standing ways mark me as a wiping deviant.
My main problem with sitting comes from my habit of looking at the tp after I wipe, a habit formed mostly of puerile curiosity but also rooted in a desire to know when to stop.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. The book goes on the tank? Not the floor in front of you? So not only do you stand, but you stand and turn 180 degrees? You must’ve taken the advanced training.
When I had a leg injury and was forced to sit and wipe, I noticed that some of these new fandangled automatic toilets could pose a problem. I’ve always been an around the side guy, so when I’d lean forward to start the procedure, the toilet sensor would think I’d gotten up, and flush the toilet. And some of those toilets are friggin’ powerful. It wasn’t uncommon for a violent torrent of water to erupt from the bowl, causing…additional clean up.
Someone’s going to need to flow chart all this.
Yeah, that’s a whole second level of fucked-up. Do you brace your right leg on the rim of the toilet, too?
Joe
Agreed- to all you sitters, how do you know when you are done if you don’t look at the paper? I bet standers get far less skid marks… Plus, sometimes you need a “wetnap” to finish the deal, do you sitters then stand up, wet the TP, then sit back down, then wipe?
If you really want to know, it works like this:
Pull off about 8 squares of TP and fold them up.
Reach around behind and wipe.
Since I’m wiping upward, the wipe ends with my hadn above the toilet seat.
Bring the hand with the TP around front and examine it to my heart’s content.
If more wiping is required, fold the TP in half and re-wipe, or pull off more.
Stand, close lid, flush.
Take shower. (That is, if at all possible, my #2 happens immediately before my morning shower, so a thorough wiping isn’t as crucial.)
This seems like the right place to share–I just walked in on someone in the bathroom. 
It’s a one-person bathroom and I knocked first, but I guess the lock hadn’t closed all the way. I don’t really care but I feel bad for the person who I walked in on. I hope she’s not too embarrassed and now I’m not sure how to approach it. I guess I should just say sorry (which of course I did while closing the door quick) and kind of smile about it.
SORRY!!!
Following Thudlow’s pattern:
If you really want to know, it works like this:
Pull off about 12 squares of TP and fold them up.
Reach down between and wipe.
Bring the hand with the TP in front of me and examine it to my heart’s content.
If more wiping is required, fold the TP in half and re-wipe, or pull off more.
Stand, close lid, flush.
C.
The Asian squat. Go ahead and google it - it’s safe. I move off of the bowl, squat and, reach around. There’s no closing of the buttocks like people questioned with people who stand. I used to sit, but the Asian squat is actually a much easier and effective way of cleaning yourself off - as long as you’re coordinated enough to stay on your feet.
This is a better description of what I do. Or on second thought (and a Google search), it might not be. You don’t actually squat down on the floor, ankles to buttocks, like the way Asians smoke cigarettes, do you? That doesn’t make sense to me. I squat with my bottom over the toilet bowl, buttocks spread. That way, I get the best of both worlds: no spreading and no awkward reaching around.
Can I sig this? 
Two additional questions: do you read on the toilet, and how do you hold the toilet paper?
I never read on the toilet because I (a.) want to get out of there as soon as possible and (b.) don’t understand how that could be a comfortable reading environment. I also follow the “wad up way too much toilet paper and wipe” method, folding to reuse if possible. I’ve never even considered counting squares.
Valete,
Vox Imperatoris
Now that this thread has some traction, put me down as a stander. Like so:
- Get reading material
- Drop trou and commence the creation of earth, read.
- Set book open on sink so as I can keep reading
- Grab TP with right hand, wrap around three fingers of left
- Lean forward and up while retaining crouching posture
- Make pinching motion with TP, like picking up dog poop.
- Finish with the greatest invention of the 2000’s, a flushable wet wipe.
- Inspect bowl for gold coins
- Wash hands