I have a emergency key to my mom’s house, who lives a couple hours away. The one time a year I visit, everything is well arranged in advance; calls *and *confirmations. If I were to stay at the house for a few days, and returned home from an errand, I’d probably ring the front-doorbell and then without waiting let myself in with the key.
I guess it makes a difference if the room of the adult children is still intact. If your room is still yours, with all the high-school stuff on the walls and your teddybears on your bed, it doesn’t make much sense to knock.
But if Mom has converted your room to her sewing, then the kid doesn’t live there anymore and must act accordingly.
This thread makes me sad, because I don’t have parents to visit anymore. I wish I had the chance to get yelled at for not knocking.
My mom died when I was in college. Once I’d graduated and moved out shortly after college, and it was just my Pop living in our house, I didn’t need to knock (or rather, ring the doorbell); he usually wasn’t home when I came by. But if he was, I was usually expected, so I’d just ring the doorbell and enter on my own, with a “Papa? it’s me!” call.
Later, he sold the house and had a girlfriend with whom he lived for several years until he died, but the girlfriend never made me feel welcome enough to visit casually, much less visit unannounced. And I certainly never had a key to their apartment. (Man. The mind boggles at the thought.
Looking back, when I was a teen and my oldest sister had moved out, she’d walk right in with her key and say “hi everyone!” My mom and pop were pretty casual and always treated the house as a homebase for us all, no matter if my older sister had moved out or not. I never really appreciated how wonderful a sentiment that was, until now that it’s too late and gone forever.
Well, that one time she did walk in on me, I asked her to please remember to knock on closed bedroom and bathroom doors - like she’d taught us. She uses the loo and showers with the door open, I know perfectly well what’s she doing when it’s closed.
Each family is different. In my own family, I mentioned the Oldsters wanting us to call. But each family’s members should know and respect each other’s boundaries - or lack thereof.
papaw, welcome, no newbie forum but you can make a thread in Mundane… (MPSIMS) if you want
I don’t have a key, so obviously I knock or ring the bell when I come over. However, I’m more than welcome to drop by unannounced. Even if I had a key, it would seem a little weird for me just to let myself in if my folks aren’t expecting me.
If I am going to my parent’s house it is because I was invited and they are expecting me, and we walk right in, usually saying “helloo.” For instance, we have Sunday dinner every week at 1:00, so they know we are coming. I cannot fathom having to knock just because it isn’t my house. Also, I have no key because they don’t lock the door when they are expecting company.
But I would never come to their house and walk in if they didn’t know I was coming. I don’t believe in the pop-in.
To those who have to knock at mom and dad’s, do you rummage through the fridge or is that something you ask about first?
I’m seriously asking because I’d imagine if you can’t just walk in, that you wouldn’t be welcome to raid the fridge either. At my mom’s house we just go grab a drink or get salad dressing or whatever. It’s a very free and open kind of thing. But from this thread I gather that people are much more conservative than we are.
Even when I lived with my parents, I usually asked about getting stuff from the fridge, and I still do. I don’t want to eat something that my mom bought as a component of a dinner she’s planning to cook. I definitely wouldn’t want anyone getting into my fridge either. If you want something, ask, but many of the items in my fridge were purchased with a specific purpose and I hate it when they disappear.
I’m not really the target audience for this question, but I’m very bored today so I’m gonna answer it anyway.
At Mom’s, where I have a key and let myself in (when expected) because it’s hard for her to get to the door, I help myself to the fridge for drinks without a second thought – and when I do, I always ask her if she wants anything. I could help myself to food, too, if I wanted any, but I always ask about that first. It would feel weird to eat her food without asking, though I’m sure she wouldn’t mind. I don’t eat there very often (if I’m visiting I’m usually taking her to lunch/dinner), so maybe that’s part of it.
At Dad’s, where I don’t have a key and I always knock (but again, only when expected), I’ll ask before even getting a drink from his fridge. He rarely has any actual food at his place, so that’s never an issue, but if I see something that I want (like chips) I always ask. Because I never lived there and he’s able-bodied, I feel compelled to display the same etiquette at his house that I would at a friend’s house.
Well, no. But then Mom’s not changing clothes or pooping in the foyer. There are public spaces (quasi-public, really) and private spaces in a house. Families that have understandings of free access to the public spaces don’t necessarily have free access to the private spaces, especially if they are occupied. A person who doesn’t knock on a closed bathroom door does so at his or her own peril (and the occupant’s).
Rummage. The parents’ fridge is open for free grazing. I’d always ask, “can I have this” before taking and eating something though. That’s my policy with my friends too. The fridge is there, help yourself. “I’m going to use the cheese for dinner tonight though, so touch that and you die.”
I wouldn’t ask before taking single serve type thing like a piece of fruit or something to drink. I’d ask if it were something that might be an ingredient.
That’s part of the difference. We do believe in the pop-in. Since it’s okay in my family for friends and relatives to drop by unannounced, just letting yourself in when you weren’t expected would be too much.
As an aside, it annoyed my parents when we were at the store together, and I’d ask if they minded me putting something in the cart, and paying them when I got back to my wallet. In their minds, I should just put things in without asking, and not bother offering to pay for it later. Some people would be upset if their adult son or daughter put things in the cart without getting the okay first. Just another case of family boundries differing on different subjects.
I don’t have grown children, but when they do become adults and move out, I will expect them to knock. It is simple civility. “What if we was nekkid and having monkey sex on the floor?” is a phrase I never wish to utter again.
When my father was still alive, I had a key, but I always knocked. He never asked me to knock, but I was brought up to always respect other people’s homes/privacy. If I had ever entered without knocking, he would not have been upset in the least. It was just always this unspoken thing.
As for me and my dad, we lived in the same town, but it wouldn’t have made a difference in how I behaved.
FWIW, while I never expected my father to knock when he visited me and would not have been bothered by his not knocking, he always did.
I’m 46 and both my kids are grown – one is in college, the other is away with the military. They both have keys and I don’t expect them to knock when they come in. They usually shout ‘hello’ as they enter, though.
My parents live 2 miles away. I have keys to their house, they have keys to mine. We frequently drop in on each other. We never knock; just do the ‘hello’ thing in the foyer.
I don’t hesitate to go on in if they aren’t home and I need something, either. And vice versa. None of us thinks anything of this – next time we see each other, I’ll just say, “Hey, I came other yesterday and borrowed a can of soup.” or she’ll say, “I came in last week and borrowed a book.” I have a lot of books, and she has an unusually well stocked pantry; so I’m her library and she’s my supermarket.
Different families have different rules, and this is how it works for mine.
Now that’s just silly. Just because the boundaries in my family are different than the boundaries in your family doesn’t mean that we don’t have boundaries.
Stupid edit timed out on me. Meant to add that if there’s no expectation that we knock before entering, then walking in and yelling hello doesn’t constitute “barging in”. That implies a level of intrusion that has not occurred.
That pretty much describes my situation. My elder son lives interstate so if he’s in Sydney, he’ll be staying here. He doesn’t have a key (I don’t think he ever did, because we had the ‘hidden under a rock’ system going). If he were to knock and wait to be let in, I’d wonder what I’d done to upset him.
I never knock. Never. If you feel the need to knock thats just fine but I don’t see how it is that outrageous a concept. My mother usually knows when I am working. She knows that when I am working I might drop in on her if I get a chance or need a bathroom. If I decide to take my meal break there I will let her know ahead of time. If I happen to be in town when she wouldn’t normally expect me I’ll call first. Thats just to make sure she knows that no one is breaking into her house. She would probably get more worried if she hears someone knocking. That doesn’t happen very often. I also have an open invitation to come in when she is not there. FTR I’m 40. She is 73.
I had the key to my Mom’s house right up until she moved out. The only time I ever used it rather than knocking was if she knew in advance that we would arrive late at night and we did not want to wake her. The key was for necessary access, but it was her home, not mine, and she desreved the courtesy of having visitors announce themselves.
