All I know is Emma Smith pretty much had Joseph Smith where she wanted him. She even rejected a few of his potential wives. But I don’t know how the general polygamous structure worked since it has never been present in my lifetime, and it isn’t something I would ever be interested in. But I don’t assume they are all like the cultish Tom Green fellow. He was criminal IMHO.
people can have poly relationships with deep love and no sex.
people can have totally equal relationships with a more than one person and have total fidelity.
because can have primary and secondary relationships with everyone getting the level they desire.
people make the poly relationship fit them; so while there are general principles that most people in successful relationships follow there are as many variations as people doing it.
a good relationship depends on good communication and problem solving. because poly is outside of our social norm it is all the more important that good relationship characteristics be had to be successful. for many it can take some extra work but the benefit of the love received is tremendous. when the relationship works it is a very high quality one, far beyond the average monogamous relationship.
When my wife and first got into the lifestyle we noticed something interesting (and pretty delightful) … swingers are, on average, better looking and better behaved. Of course the entire spectrum of attractiveness is there, as is the entire spectrum of personalities, but at most parties and clubs the crowd tends to be above average.
It’s simple, really. People who are dating tend to take care of themselves a bit more.
Because “the main squeeze” is the one you want to raise kids with, in one case I know. The wife has had the same lover for over thirty years as well as occasional short-term relationships, the husband changes lovers, both want to be able to share intellectual, sexual and emotional attraction with more than one person but have one person they want to always be there for them and to always be there for. If it works for them, what’s your problem? And how is it “use” if the other people also know what dance is being danced? It’s not as if either of those people hide their wedding bands.
@ April R,
For me, the marriage isn’t about the paper at the court house, it is about the covenant that has been made between my spouse and myself. I’m in a traditional marriage, but I think I have a handle on polyamory, and if my SO was inclined that way, I would embrace it. Maybe the best way to ponder this is to think of relationships in terms of a spectrum. When individuals start in any relationship they draw boundaries as to what is acceptable or not. Usually, a marriage implies that you are joining together in some fashion, which is also negotiable whether financial, emotional, or physical.
Can I safely assume that at some point in your dating life you were attracted to more than one person at the same time? If so, as consenting adults would you have been open to the possibility of seeing them both if there were no secrets between any of you wrt the other?
Some people can and do do this and some will not. It all depends on the boundaries you set.
As far as children go, they are phenomenally resilient and adaptable. Problems stem from Proper Society’s attitude, and less from the kids themselves. All that matters is that they are in a safe and loving environment.
Personally, I think we are probably about 15 years away from contract marriages. Robert Heinlein explores this a fair bit in his novels, and although they are fiction, I always thought it made perfect sense.
You set the timeframe of the marriage, opt out options, and if you have , say, 4 people in the marriage, then a person who decides to leave for whatever reason gets a quarter share in the total of the assets as laid out in the contract.
Since it seems like the OP is trying to understand, despite the rough start, I’ll give it a go. Keep in mind, this only pertains to me and my relationship.
I’m a secondary in a poly relationship. My boyfriend and his primary girlfriend have been together for 10 years, always poly. In that time they’ve each had other girlfriends. The rule is that the other person, and everyone involved, has to know and agree that it’s a poly relationship. So if they (or me) had a partner who the others didn’t agree to, that would be cheating.
I honestly don’t know the details of terminology. I’m not particularly poly; I’m more apathetic. But yeah, it’s not just sex. It’s a relationship, with love. Coming from the other direction than the OP, I don’t see how loving multiple people at the same time is different from loving someone, breaking up, and loving someone else.
There are no children involved and there probably never will be. As far as physical attraction, to be perfectly honest, I’ve never dated someone who was my physical ‘type.’ Not that I don’t find my boyfriend attractive, but looks isn’t why I date him. His primary girlfriend has a much better figure than I do.
My sister is in a triad that just had a kid (the main guy and his wife did). My sister is the nanny and godmother. I don’t know details, but it seems to work for them, and my sister is happier than she’s been in a long time.
I don’t see what’s so ugly about the people in the video. They seem perfectly normal, looks-wise.
There was a pretty decent Showtime doc-series about polyamorous relationships called Polyamory. It was a very interesting look into the dynamics that come into play when you have four people trying to make a go of it. Also, lots of NSFW content, so win-win.
I don’t identify as poly, but I have a lot of friends who do.
As far as it all being about looks, that’s no more true than it is in mono relationships. There are a lot more reasons to love someone than because they look like runway models. Some people are really amazing to be around, even if they’ve never been on the cover of GQ.
As for arrangements with kids, there is no set structure that all poly people have to agree to. All arrangements are unique. In the case of two of my friends, they’re both divorced and share custody with their ex-husbands. And now they’re dating other people. It’s exactly the same as a monogomous divorced couple would do. (To avoid confusion, these friends are not dating each other as far as I know.)
As to why be poly at all, one friend had a great way of putting it. We don’t depend on one person to dry clean our clothes, teach our children, serve us our restaurant meals, and fix our roofs. How can we possibly expect one person to serve all of our sexual/romantic/friendship needs?
Uh, cite??
There are a lot of different relationship types to consider, and each one will be repulsive to certain groups.
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If two people are married and decide to introduce a third (or fourth, …) person into the relationship, is that so bad? (or ogrish?)
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If three (or four, …) people are in a close relationship that becomes sexual, is that bad?
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How about if two people are married (let’s call them Joseph and Emma), and Joseph keeps getting caught screwing around 30 people, and he tells Emma that a God forced him to do it, and she doesn’t divorce him but opposes the practice and later denies that it ever happened? Is that okay?
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How about if a group of people establish a city in the desert where they are free to raise their daughters to believe that a God really did force Joseph to screw around, and that God also commands them to enter into polygamous marriages?
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Is there anything inherent about an individual’s feelings and desires of love such that it is impossible to love more than one person?
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Is there anything inherent about sexual relationships such that it is impossible to want to have more than one ongoing sexual relationship concurrently?
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Is there anything inherent about marriage such that there are no benefits or pleasures in marriage if one or more of the spouses love or have sexual relationships with other people?
Now, each person is going to have his or her own views on his or her own marital relationship, but is there any justification for assuming that those views are inherent, mandatory, or universal?
I’m polyamorous.
I’m not a “convert” to it so much as I’ve never thought of sexual exclusivity or the institution of marriage as anything that made an iota of sense to me. In fact I’ve tended to be a reverse chauvinist and I’ve expressed a lot of contempt and dismissive criticism towards mono people, and I’ve been trying to be more tolerant lately. Trying to accept that even though doing monogamy/exclusivity seems very odd and I can’t imagine wanting it for myself, I should not assume it’s wrong for everyone else as well.
I don’t do the “primary/secondary” distinction. I have multiple partners, I love all of them. Each of them either currently has or at some point has had other partners of their own that they love or loved.
I can’t answer for all poly folks but I’ll assume any questions you ask are indeed posed in good faith.
a) I don’t think we’re any less cute or desirable or attractive than mono folks on average. I can’t tell for sure if your “ogre” comments were referring explicity and exclusively to physical appearance or other things. You’re welcome to elaborate on your question. if you do indeed mean visual physical attractiveness, maybe you can explain why it would matter so much? It’s nice to look hot or to be with a partner you think looks hot, but that’s not your primary consideration for an ongoing relationship, is it?
b) Other people have already responded to the bit about “why? for the thrill of sex with other people?” etc. Do you feel like that’s been answered adequately?
c) w/regards to MARRIAGE (of the orthodox, legal, two-people-maximum variety), I admit I find the institution incompatible with polyamory myself and would not consider it. But some people got married and THEN decided they did not want sexual exclusivity; and some poly people distinguish between a “primary” partner and one or more “secondary” partners. (I do not). Those that do might feel that an open marriage with their primary is what they want, so they get married. Then both they and their primary partner have secondary partners as they see fit. And yes, in cases such as that, polyamory is indeed the same thing as an open marriage.
d) Some poly relationships do require the consent of all existing partners before anyone can add a new partner to their lives. None of my partners is required to get my consent before doing so. I don’t need theirs either. I happen to know that they would not be HAPPY if I added a partner but that’s because there is only so much time in a week and with three partners I’m pretty solidly booked up, so it’s because it would spread me too thinly and they’d see less of me, not because they feel entitled to veto my involvements. None of us at any times needs anyone existing partner’s consent before having sex with someone else that does NOT lead to an ongoing relationship. (And yes, that’s an option for everyone).
e) We discuss STDs and keep track of which combinations of people have unprotected sex. Generally speaking it has worked out that any given person in the local constellation of folks (my partners and their immediate partners and those folks’ partners) are only having condomless sex — if at all — with one other person. If one of us were to depart from that, it might alter some of the sexual behaviors of the others, depending on their own sense of what risks they are willing to take. The key is honesty and trust. I know all my partners’ other partners and THEIR other partners and I trust them.
That’s good to hear. In my teens I dated a girl whose parents were into swinging. One day I was over at their house while they had a pool party going (a daytime lead-in to whatever swinging events would take place after dark).
The horror. The horror.
When the video started (no sound), I thought, “Huh, she’s not that bad looking.” Then I realised she was the presenter introducing the segment. :smack:
Rhodes you can take your beef with Mormonism some where else. Thanks. Those last two questions were unnecessary.
Actually, it’s because ugly swingers don’t get invited to clubs or parties. Glad to help!
If you love your spouse and she/he unfortunately dies, do you think it is possible to meet someone else and love them just as much, while not losing any of your love for the previous spouse?
I know one couple who are (or at least were) functionally polyamorous. That is, I’ve never heard them use the word, but though they exist on emotional priority, neither seems to care much about sexual fidelity; their rule is that either can sleep with another person as long as her partner knows firsthand, and it has to be casual. One-nighters are allowed, but no repeats. I don’t think I’d care for it, but it seems to work for them. And they’re not skeevy.
Yes. But I am not having sex with both of them at the same time.
So questions and assumptions about polyamory that have been intentionally phrased to be offensive are OK, but don’t anyone dare question the factual history of the LDS church?
Fundamentalist Mormons are “no true Mormons”, since they differ in their religious beliefs from you?
Yeah, see, that’s why you’re not getting many answers to your questions. I’ve got no need to feed your bigotry and foolishness, certainly not with information about my family and personal life.