In all fairness, it’s not like some allegedly monogamous men don’t do just exactly that. They just keep the banging on the down-low.
This is complete crap. Who are you, the Polyamory Pusher? ‘C’mon kids, try it, you’ll like it. Really. Just think about it. It won’t hurt. It’ll be niiiice. C’mon over.’ It sounds downright slimy. Or like you’re trying to convince a three year old to try the anchovies cause they’re really, really good if ya just try them.
Who are you to decide what others have and haven’t thought about and what others do and don’t feel? Your points would be much better taken if they weren’t served on a platter of condescension with a side order of assumptions.
Here’s a data point for you. I’m monogamous by nature. I don’t have to “think about it”; it’s who I am. I tried “dating” for awhile when I was younger because I had always ended up in monogamous relationships and I thought I’d try it. When I say dating, I am defining that as a social/sexual relationship in which there was no exclusivity expected or required. I hated it. My personal preference is to have one exclusive partner, to bond with them exclusively and to have them bond with me exclusively.
I have entered those relationships with people of like mind. Willingly on both parts. People who have no desire to have sex with other people or to have an emotional/sexual relationship with other people. If I’m in an exclusive relationship, it’s not a “gift” or “obligation” to the other person for me not to sleep with someone else. I simply don’t have the desire. I like being with one person, sharing things with one person and having an exclusive relationship with one person. I don’t want to be with other people romantically/sexually. I’m not giving anything up, I’m not sacrificing a damned thing. It’s the way I like it and the way my partners have liked it.
If you, or anyone else, feels differently and wants to have more than one partner at the same time on whatever level, then that’s absolutely your choice. Go forth and multiply. As long as you’re honest and upfront and are with others of like mind so that no one is hurt emotionally, then I don’t see any problem with it. I’m not judging you for your personal choice.
But don’t turn around and tell me that I just don’t know what I’m missing. Guess what? I’m not trying the anchovies, either.
Oh boy, this is so true. There is no possible way, even did I want one, that I could handle another romantic interest time-wise. I’ve always thought that people who are polyamorous must have much more flexible jobs than I have (and now that I think of it, that’s true for the one successful threesome I know about – I think two of the three didn’t work full-time jobs).
I’ve never understood why poly people try to convert mono people and vice versa. Both sides have plenty of arguments that range from the stupid, to the offensive, to the absurd, and the only meaningful point I’ve ever seen is “whatever your stupid theory says, X works for me.”
Jehovah’s Witnesses may be wonderful on an individual level, but people should think carefully about whether to emulate their business plan.
Probably the BEST “Mod Note Justifying Interforum Thread Move” in SDMB history – and there have been some other good contenders.
Those who feel the need to proselytize for any lifestyle choice tend to be the least secure and often least successful at it.
The rest of us are more interested in getting on with our lives and are happy to let you do the same. Or at least, until someone brings it up on the internet.
To add further complications:
I am a basically nonmonogamous person who is married to a fundamentally monogamous person.
And yes, despite the fact that I generally prefer to be dating 2-3 people at any given time, I have been monogomous with him for over 8 years now.
Why? Because even though I have a couple friends who I would really, really like to turn into lovers, I know that it’s important to him that I not do so. And I love him enough that I am willing to respect his wishes in this matter.
Yes, I’d like to be seeing other people as well. But that’s not nearly as important to me as continuing the relationship that we have. This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and no way am I going to fuck it up.
If you don’t mind my asking (the second really caught my attention):
1.) How do you work boundaries with the friends you would really like to turn into lovers?
2.) Do your desires ever cause friction between you and your husband? Jealously on his part, reactance on yours?
i’ve seen poly-non poly pairings end badly several times and am curious to hear more about a success story.
It’s worked, I think, because I’ve found an acceptable outlet in online-only friends/sweeties/relationships.
Oni no Husband doesn’t consider online-only relationships to be “real”, so he doesn’t get jealous when I get involved with someone who I’m never going to actually meet. As long as it doesn’t impact the relationship between the two of us, as long as we never do anything IRL, and as long as I don’t rub his nose it it, he doesn’t have a problem with it.
By some standards, I’m still stepping out on him - and I’ve lost a couple friends because they feel that I am - but it works for us.
Here’s the thing.
It is my oft-stated and deeply held belief that other people’s personal decisions are none of my business until the moment they actually impact my life. If asked, I’ll happily present an opinion or thoughts on the matter, but if I’m not asked, I’ll cheerfully hold my peace and won’t even use mental energy contemplating the matter, let alone getting all het up about it.
However, every single time I’ve discussed my personal monogamy with someone who is a self-professed polyamorist or who is in an open relationship, they have given me some version of AHunter3’s lecture - the gist of which is that I’m only monogamous because I’ve never tried polyamory/open relationships and/or it never occurred to me that other relationship paradigms were possible. Every single time. And they simply *do not hear *me when I declare that I have in fact contemplated the matter and that I feel it is not a good lifestyle choice for me. Apparently, my lifestyle choice is only because I’m a mindless sheep who just goes along with The Man and not a decision made with full possession of information about all available options about what I feel is best for me.
I don’t like people to prostelytize me about my religious beliefs and I don’t like people to do it to me regarding my sexual behavior. I’m an adult, and a rational one at that. I’m a thinking person and I’ve decided - with clear and able mind - that options other than monogamy are not for me. Which is why I married someone for whom this was also the case. It’s also why I made it stone-cold clear to everyone I’ve ever dated that monogamy is what I expect and if it’s not for them, well then, there’s the door and no hard feelings. If polyamory is for you, then yippee for you! Give me credit for being able to make an informed decision about my own sex life even if you wouldn’t choose the same way, please. The assumption appears to be that anyone who doesn’t embrace their chosen sexual behavior pattern is flawed and wrong and must be persuaded to have some Kool-Aid - and it’s apparently well-nigh impossible to get them to admit that any other lifestyle might possibly be a fulfilling one. I don’t understand celibacy, but I can see how someone might find it rewarding enough to make that decision!
Weirdly, I don’t have the gay people I know lecturing me that once I go gay, I’ll never turn away. And yet every single polyamorous person I know has delivered The Lecture to me repeatedly (even after being told in small, simple words that I know what I’m doing and am totally satisfied with my decision). I also don’t get the BDSM people I know trying to convince me like I’m a six-year-old unwilling to try okra for the first time that if I just try it, I’ll love it! It is, in my experience (which is certainly not universal and may not even be representative, but it’s all I’ve experienced personally), only the poly crowd who do this.
It’s like polyamory is a used car that these people are frantically trying to unload on me.
I’m sure that not all polyamorists do this, yadda yadda - but this my experience has all been with the ones who are of this mindset. And it’s absolutely maddening.
Maybe instead of just a plain ol’ toaster, they get a fancy counter-top convection oven for their converts? 
It depends. If the monogamous relationship broke up because of adultery, the point might not be so good.
Regards,
Shodan
My moderator doesn’t understand me.
there is ethical polyamory and nonmonogamy.
as i’ve heard the term by people who do it, polyamory requires being ethical and honest and holding to whatever terms they have agreed on. polyamory includes love it doesn’t have to include sex. it sure can be more tedious but some people love easier than others. it can be more work but also more benefit when it works.
there are lots of types of nonmonogamy which could also include cheating and swinging, open relationship with restrictions and open without restrictions. some people even do a mix.
as many lifestyles, lovestyles, sexstyles as there are people to do it.
it is clear you haven’t met many people that have done polyamory at least successfully.
lots of people are polyamorous without sex. it is the love that is multiple.
polyamorous relationships can be committed and long term. people do have multipartnered closed (no outside or new people) marriages.
there are many flavors of open relationships. likely a strong bond to your primary partner, who you agreed to openness with, is there. the other relationships may be long or short terms and have various degrees of love and commitment, could be just dating for some and full in love for others.
polyamorous people will distinguish themselves from the general term open relationship. also to be distinguished is love behavior and sex behavior, you can be nonmonogamous because of both or either.
Your problem is clearly that you are far too hot for anybody to envision you not ever having sex with them. They know the universe must have within its destiny you and they hooking up at some point in the way they like.
If you weren’t hot, this wouldn’t be a problem.
The post of yours I originally responded to indicates to me pretty clearly that you have a standard of “thinking about it” that can’t actually be met. Given that your default position on the matter is to go off on a condescending screed about how “in all likelihood, they haven’t seriously considered” your life choices as appropriate for themselves, I have a hard time believing you’d actually take anyone’s word for it when they say “X may work for you, but it is not something that works for me”.
Think about it.
Yeah, that’s the feeling I always get from what I call the "militant poly"s. That there’s nothing short of actually being poly that’s going to make them believe you’ve seriously considered your lifestyle. And honestly, I don’t see why it’s so important for everyone to seriously consider polyamory–I don’t have to seriously consider the merits of poking myself in the eye with a stick or playing Magic: The Gathering to know those things are entirely unappealing to me, ya know?
Maggie, I salute your care and concern about what’s important to your partner, even when you don’t understand or agree with it yourself. That is what love is all about, and it’s something that seems to get ignored by the more militant poly evangelists I’ve met over the years. You sound like a very kind and loving partner.
He loves you. He just needs to read other forums.
Regards,
Shodan
I don’t think that’s true in the context of a one-on-one conversation — where I am listening to YOU and talking to YOU, I am only likely to start blathering on about polyamory and nonpossessiveness if I directly run into evidence from your conversation or your behavior that makes me think YOU PERSONALLY are trying to live the mainstream lovedream without having considered the bag full of attitudes and rules and roles that were handed to you as you grew up.
When I speak to an aggregate group, or speak OF monogamous/possessive people in general, then yes I generalize and yes those generalizations are not flattering to the average mono/possessive person. That makes me a militant poly? Indicates that I am a condescending smug arrogant asshole? Does it really? THE DAMN SHOE FITS. It may not fit YOU but if you’re going to attempt to defend the average person (target of my generalizations) and claim that the average monogamous person who espouses a belief in sexual exclusivity is not described with dead-on accuracy by my generalizations, you’ve got a debate on your hands and you’re at a disadvantage.