Porkchop and the Evil Butt Nemesis

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have a relatively new kitten, whom I’ve named, for no particular reason other than that I like the sound of it, Porkchop (pronounced “pokechop.”) She’s a sweet, cute little thing, but she’s apparently ummm…mentally deficient.

Aside from her tendency to run full tilt into large, unmoving objects, producing loud, painful BONK sounds, one of her more bewildering attributes is her sworn enmity with her tail. She will literally chase it in circles for minutes at a time, until, exhausted and dizzy, she collapses in a spinning, furry heap. Her head lolls around as she tries to reorient herself, and then her fierce predator’s eye catches an elusive swish, a stripey, black-tipped serpentine form just out of reach, and the chase is on again. All I have to do when she’s in my arms and chewing on my knuckles is reach down and wave her tail in her face, and suddenly it’s as if she were going after the vile miscreant that killed her daddy.

I’ve stopped trying to rationalize it. Instead, I just empathize. Hey, how do you think you’d feel if your worst enemy in the world was attached to your butt?

2

My dog, Winston, who was otherwise quite brilliant in his career as a professional mutt, chased his tail often when he was growing up. Occasionally, he would fall over due to dizzyness, at which point he would get up and chase his tail in the other direction.

He grew out of it once he began to catch it.

3

<chuckle>

<snort>

Bwaaaa-ha-ha-ha!

Beautiful. Thank you Ogre, that made my night.

And she’s not mentally deficient, per se. All cats are brain damaged. We’ve got four of the little curtain climbers.

One will only eat whilst lying down. Won’t sit up, won’t stand, he must be on his belly, front legs straddling the bowl. Does the same thing when he scratches on the hunk of driftwood we keep as a scratching post. Yet he must be standing on all four feet to drink. What feline ettiquette is at work here, no one’s sure.

The second is like a bull in a china shop. Graceful? Cat-like agility? Not this idiot. He can not walk past a stack of mail on the table without knocking it all over the floor. And it’s not intentional, he’s not playing with the mail, he’s just a klutz. Runs into walls headfirst often, trips over lint, you name it. I never saw a cat trip and fall smack on his face before we got him.

The third, is, well, hostile. She craves attention like air. However, she craves it in limited doses, and after she decides she’s had enough petting (and it’s never the same length of time, twice in a row) you get spiked, or bitten. She then races through the house in a daylight version of the midnight crazies, for some random amount of time, then all at once collapses in a furry heap in the middle of the living room floor.

The old girl, the matriarch of the house, and defacto ruler of all she surveys, has a thing for invisible critters. You know, those things that aren’t actually there, but she’s gotta stare them down anyway? Or things that only she can see, that often need killing, at great length and effort. Usually in the middle of our bed, when we’re both asleep and need protecting the most.

[sub]And all of them beg like they’re starving to death when dinner time rolls around. Then proceed to eat about three bites of food, and lose all interest. Brain damage.[/sub]

4

Ollie: (formerly) male, 8 mo. old, growing far too quickly (in the sense that his extremities and mass seem to be outpacing his ability to deal with them. He routinely leaps squarely into glass windows (doors, cabinet fronts, exterior windows, whatever) after “sizing them up” down on his haunches for sometimes more than a minute or two. Like he’s thinking “yeah…yeah I’m PRETTY sure I can get through that.”

Maybe he’s really actually smart and is trying to exploit some recent theories about quantum tunnelling…

He also is the only cat I have ever seen who consistently refuses to bury his poop. He’ll use the box, alright, but leave his gift top-layer and centre for all to see (and smell). And boy, he lays some steamers. Big ones. Naturally this turns the other cat right off, although thankfully she has not started any retaliatory peeing in the corner or anything.

Pepper: (formerly) female, 9 months old. She’s the petite and demure one. Much more agile, much craftier. Will consistently take Ollie on even though she is outsized by a weight factor of 2. This occurs particularly after Ollie “force grooms” her for awhile and she gets fed up. She also refuses to drink water in any way other than by dipping her paw into the bowl and licking it.

Both cats are OBSESSED with getting inside the dishwasher (oooh, such good smells coming from there) Oh, and needless to say, after several catless years we are learning again not to leave out half-full glasses or dishes of anything. (Particularly with Miss Dipp’n’Drink floating around).

Still and all, having cats around again makes me realize how much I missed 'em. Although this feeling is a bit of a mystery at 3:00 a.m. when they are tearing around with their Kitty-roman wrestling routines…:rolleyes:

5

Yay for stoopid pets! :slight_smile:

Another thing Porkchop seems to have trouble with is spatial orientation. Whenever I’m at my computer, she comes over and jumps on my lap, suddenly DESPERATE for affection. She’ll purr, rub, and generally make a nuisance of herself until I drop everything and pet her vigorously for a few minutes. Then, satisfied, she’ll attempt to lie down on my lap and go to sleep. What she really does is flop over, missing my lap altogether, and plunges to the floor below. Her look of desperation as she drops into the abyss is priceless.

She then gives me a look of profound contempt, as if it’s ALL MY FAULT, grooms herself nonchalantly, and promptly springs across the room full-speed headfirst into my apartment door.

Dumb cat.

6

I’ve been known to chase tail…just not my own!
heh heh

Great post OGRE! I needed a good laugh today.