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The BBQ Pit
1

Undoubtedly there are blogs, message boards and discussion lists all over the web that don’t have a clue about how to stop the endless plastering of comment spam all over the landscape. My blog is not one of them. Every damned comment is moderated, every trackback must be approved. By me. And I’m tired of being prompted to approve over 1,000 spam links every Monday, after letting comment moderation get away from me over the weekend.

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Not a single one of these fuckers makes it to my public website. Not one. It all gets filtered out by my comments moderation. Yet, you fuckers persist in jamming up my database with irrelevant, annoying shit that does nothing for your marketing program.

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You’re squeezing no Google juice from me or my website. You’d think that somewhere along the line, you’d write some sort of script to figure out whether the kajillions of comments you send out ever make it into HTML. But noooooooo. Instead, you waste my bandwidth and yours with several hundred comments a day that never boost your PageRank and never get a single click from drooling fucktards who buy shit via spam.

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You’d think that since I’ve completely removed the economic incentive for you to spam my website, you’d eventually stop after finding out it’s no longer worth the bandwidth to send 1,000 comments over the weekend and get precisely zip in return. But you haven’t stopped, which makes you a tremendous throbbing dick.

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It kills me that you can’t figure out your comment spam isn’t seeing the light of day, yet you’ve seemingly figured out how to hack Trackback to turn it into yet another channel for you to tell the speds of the world about Porn, Online Poker and Boner Pills. Every Trackback you send generates an e-mail to me. All Trackbacks are moderated just like comments and no, they never see public HTML either. Yet you’ve sent me at least 75 of the damned things today.

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All you’re doing is making a mess. No one sees your crappy ads except me. And I’m going absolutely fucking nowhere near that fugly-ass mishmash of shitty scripting you call a website, so there’s not a snowball’s chance I’m buying any of your crap.

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Yes, I will calm down for now. I will take a break from cleaning up the endless stream of digital diarrhea you’ve been splattering all over my database. That’s hershey squirtage that need not exist, since it gets you nothing and it simply wastes my time and patience. So take a fucking break, spam-boy. Fribbles and Fishamajigs are on me at Friendly’s if you simply take two minutes to re-evaluate this little campaign’s return on investment with respect to my site and cut the shit.

2

Ooooh, Girlz N dogs… I’m gonna check THAT out!

3

Man, all of those sound like great names for country songs.

Daniel

4

The shotgun approach is cheaper than any kind of selective send. Same thing happens with hardcopy spam.

5

I object to your characterization.

Neither Caribbean Stud Poker nor Three-Card Poker is “Poker.”

6

My characterization? Blame the script kiddies.

7

I keep getting offers for Wiagra. I can’t help thinking that Mr. Checkov has really come down in the world.

8

I agree. Those fuckers.

Have you tried different filters? I’ve had lots of luck with Spam Karma for Wordpress.

9

I thought the same thing, but then I thought about it a bit more.

There has to be some sort of upper bound on how many blog spams and trackbacks a typical “mom’s basement” spam operation can reliably place in a given period of time. Given this, wouldn’t it make sense to replace the blogs that don’t get results with ones that do?

Let’s say for argument’s sake you can cover 5 percent of the blogs that use Movable Type as a CMS in a given week. Common sense dictates that if you can’t get through on certain blogs, you’ll cover more by concentrating on the universe of blogs you CAN get placements on, so that you’ll effectively cover more eyeballs with the resources at hand.

10

You set up a machine to spam. You buy a list of addresses. You load the list of addresses. You start the machine spam spam spammin’ away. Money rolls in from the fraction of a percent success rate. It does this month after month. After a while, the amount may decrease, but you just buy another list of fresh addresses to spam and the figure goes back up.

Now, it might be good business sense to keep track of the good addresses and the bad addresses… but all that network and computational power used to keep track could be used for spamming instead. And since you know “more spamming = more money”, why would you muck about in all this untested monitoring business? That sounds suspiciously like working.

And I really don’t think the “H3rb4L v14GrA!” business model is built around efficieny and accountability.

11

Maybe you aren’t troubled by them, but the single most prevelant spam I get is offers to refinance my mortgage. About half of them have subject lines that suggest mortgage --often of the “Your offer has been accepted” type. THe other half have subject lines like “Hey!”. The good news is that I can screen most of them by skimming the subject lines. The other good news is that I average 5 -10 a week. And the best news is that most of them come to me by way of a small listserve which I only expect to be on for another month.

12

Man, I thought this was going to be an invitation to the world’s best party.

13

As the CEO of a company that works hard to provide our customers with only the finest H3rb4L v14GrA, I’m extremely offended by your characterization of our business as inefficient or unaccountable.

The fact is that H3rb4L v14GrA is a popular product, with thousands of customers just like you who wish to impress their g1rLfr3indz and w1v3z with their g14nt r0ck-h4rd er3ct10nz. We use commercial email services to contact potential customers, because it’s important to us that everyone has the opportunity to bUy ch34p dru6s w1th0ut a d0ct0r’s pr3sCr1pt10n. And the internet provides us with a medium to reach customers that we simply could not afford to contact through the old media.

Not only do we conduct our business with the best interests of our customers at heart, but we do so with a constant eye toward improving efficiency in order to ensure that our customers can always obtain the l0w3st pr1c3z po5s1bLe. As a business, H3rb4L v14GrA ‘n’ h0t t1tz, 1nc. depends upon its reputation above all else, and our customers clearly appreciate our efforts. With a greater than 90% customer satisfaction rate, you can be sure that our company will always remain your best source for a b1g h4rd c0ck that will impress your w1f3 or g1rlfr1end.