Portal/Portal 2 Non-Sequitur thread (now with Combustible Lemons! Cake not included)

Inspired by the Monty Python NS thread, I figured I’d start one inspired by the Portal series

any and all quotes welcome, be they from GlaDOS, any of the Personality Cores, turrets, the Companion Cube, Wheately, Cave Johnson or Caroline

There’s far too many to single out one particular favorite, some of my favorites though…

I mean, have I LIED to you…I mean in this room…

Neurotoxin… [cough] [cough] So deadly… [cough] Choking… [laughter] I’m kidding! When I said deadly neurotoxin, the ‘deadly’ was in massive sarcasm quotes, I could take a bath in the stuff, put it on cereal, rub it right into my eyes. Honestly, it’s not deadly at all. To me, You, on the other hand, are going to find its deadliness a lot less funny.

This next test involves turrets. You remember them, right? They’re the pale spherical things that are full of bullets. Oh wait. That’s you in five seconds. Good luck.

Cave Johnson;

Greetings, friend. I’m Cave Johnson, CEO of Aperture Science - you might know us as a vital participant in the 1968 Senate Hearings on missing astronauts. And you’ve most likely used one of the many products we invented. But that other people have somehow managed to steal from us. Black Mesa can eat my bankrupt–

There’s a thousand tests performed every day here in our enrichment spheres. I can’t personally oversee every one of them, so these pre-recorded messages’ll cover any questions you might have, and respond to any incidents that may occur in the course of your science adventure. Your test assignment will vary, depending on the manner in which you have bent the world to your will.

Those of you helping us test the repulsion gel today, just follow the blue line on the floor. Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I’ve got some good news and some bad news…

Bad news is we’re postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we’ve got a much better test for you: Fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You’ll know when the test starts.

If you’ve cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That’s normal. We’ve been shooting you with an invisible laser that’s supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it’s working.

Just a heads up: We’re gonna have a superconductor turned up full blast and pointed at you for the duration of this next test. I’ll be honest, we’re throwing science at the wall here to see what sticks. No idea what it’ll do. Probably nothing. Best-case scenario, you might get some superpowers. Worst case, some tumors, which we’ll cut out.


Holmes versus Moriarty…Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!

And of course all the Personality Cores in Portal 2 are brilliant, especially the Fact Sphere

Here’s a good link with quotes and sound clips

Name’s Rick, I’m an adventure sphere. Whoa, you fighting that guy? Situation’s looking pretty ugly… And for such a pretty lady.

Dad, are you space?

-Yes, son, now we are a family again.


Here come the space cops. Here come the space cops! Space cops, help!
Guilty! Of not being in space. Go to space jail!

Wanna meet the sun! What’ll I say? Hi Sun!

I’m the best at space!

Star! Star! Star! There’s another star. Getting bored of space. Wanna go to Earth. Wanna go to Earth. Wanna go to Earth. Wanna go to Earth. Wanna go to Earth. Don’t like space. It’s too big.

Actually, if you read to the very end of this thread, there will be cake.

Speaking of curiosity, you’re curious about what happens after you die, right? Guess what? I know. You’re going to find out first hand before I finish explaining it, though, so I won’t bother.
Here’s a hint: you’re gonna want to pack as much living as you can into the next couple of minutes.


Do you know the biggest lesson I learned from what you did? I discovered I have a sort of black-box quick save feature. In the event of a catastrophic failure, the last two minutes of my life are preserved for analysis. I was able – well, forced really – to relive you killing me. Again and again. Forever. You know, if you had done that to someone else, they might dedicate their life to exacting revenge.

And a quickie favorite…

“If I’d known you’d let yourself get captured this easily, I’d have dangled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling.”

I don’t hate you.

You monster.

Smelly humans.

Are you still there?
Target lost.

Burning people! He’s saying what we’re all thinking!

Hey, you’re good at murder…

If you feel lightheaded from thirst, feel free to pass out.

Put me in the game, coach!

Maybe you’ll find someone else to help you.
Maybe Black Mesa. (That was a joke…ha ha, fat chance.)

Please note that we have added a consequence for failure. Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an “unsatisfactory” mark on your official testing record, followed by death. Good luck!

Hey, nice potato!

At the conclusion of this test, you will be baked. And there will be cake.

I, uh… don’t have any bullets. Are you gonna give me any bullets? Are the bullets up there?

Obviously this isn’t motivating you, so let’s try this her way. Fatty. Adopted fatty. Fatty-fatty no-parents.