Dear Mrs. *****,
I’m sorry I wasn’t able to come to class yesterday. My son was constipated so we had to take him to the emergency room. It was a mess, but fortunately everything came out okay. Please let me know what I missed in class.
Dopers, does it get any better than this? 
Dear Student,
Please note, for next time, “family emergency” will suffice. I urge you to acquaint yourself with the initials T M I.
Tell your colleague not to bother giving the kid detention. Just reading the letter to the rest of the class should be good enough.
Dear student,
Please try to catch up on the assignments, otherwise you’ll be backed up all semester.
haha I actually used this one to try and get out of a playing test for guitar class:
“dear mr. si***s,
please excuse john from his playing test because he fucked up his wrist playing shot-punt dodgeball.
-johns doctor M.D.
p.s. im currently in the middle of switching offices so unfortunatly you will not be able to contact myself. thank you”
I wrote that on a cue card and i used my fathers wrist brace from when he had carpol tunnel. Long story short, it didn’t work:p
Reminds me of my favorite Bulwer-Lytton entry. I wish I could remember who wrote it (it wasn’t me and it didn’t win):
Diarrhea runs in my family.
Wow. I actually did have to take my 3yo kid into the ER for constipation once, but I don’t think I’d tell my professor that.
Clearly not a math class…
But did everything come out OK?
Agreed. This was a college student, though, so no detention.
Boyo Jim: A student once left me a voicemail message saying that he’d “had diarrhea on the freeway.”
I do pity the clean-up crew…
A friend who worked for a temp agency once had someone call in to announce that he’d be late for work because he’d had an accident on the freeway–and then clarified that the accident in question was diarrhrea related and not a car crash. That would have been bad enough, but the person in question felt the need to explain the details at length.
At least the gross ones aren’t quite as insulting as the one I got via voicemail years ago…The student left a message saying that she was going to miss class because she was getting her hair braided.
Reminds me of the constipated math student.
He worked it out with a pencil.