Zombie squirrels stealing it & using it to draw other squirrels into their zombie lairs.
Those squirrels are zombies? Ewwwww.
I’m trapped in a workplace where I am the math and computer genius. I am terrible at math and only have basic computer knowledge. Either my intelligence increases at my workplace or everyone else is dumb, but that can’t possibly be true so it must be the intelligence thing.
Ooh, that gave me chills. Or … um moves away from the air conditioner nevermind.
I’m drinking coffee. I just called my twin sister and she is drinking tea. What can explain this?
I sneezed 13 times today. Is that an odd number to you?
It’s an odd number to everybody. 
We’re having a thunderstorm here right now with lots of lightning, and my power is flickering off and on. How do I get rid of these poltergeists?
Twins usually have some kind of psychic link. You two evidently don’t, which should make you wonder: which one is adopted?
Sigh. It’s not poltergeists, and if you just sacrifice a bottle of gin to Thor he’ll stop it. DM me for Thor’s address… he has a PO Box in Minneapolis I can give you.
Whisperer responded pretty well to this one, so you might want to sneeze once more to get even.
I went to Trader Joe’s today and every item I needed was in stock. How long will the planets align in my star sign?
I get in my car to drive somewhere, and kick myself for not bringing down a Rush CD to listen to. (I usually don’t feel like walking back up to my apartment for just a CD.)
I instead tune into the local classic rock station (KZEP - San Antonio), and they end up playing a Rush song.
I swear it’s happened dozens of times. It’s spooky.
Q: Whenever I look at Russian porn sites, my computer gets a virus. Is it some weird form of electro-herpes, virtuAIDS, or just plain old demonic possession? I’m leaning towards virtuAIDS since Russian chicks are so nasty.
regarding the miniskirt hypnosis: Obviously, it must be the Xanthian underwear effect:
“Because underwear is so closely tied to sexuality (even more so than nudity in Xanth), men become automatically “freaked out” when they view panties.”
Tako’s and AWB’s experiences compel me to believe they are simply in a matrix-like virtual reality that is geared to reinforce their satisfaction with the hallucinations while they are suspended in simple syrup and their juices bled for fuel to the gigantic machine that produces their so-called “Trader Joe stock” and “Rush music.” Check closely the background textures for bitmapping.
Same thing with Super’s porn, but the virus is probably coming from the matrix itself and not the program within it that convinces you are using a computer.
Whew, thanks. I’m really scared of virtuAIDS.
Q: I’ve been practicing for weeks now to poop in the shape of a “Q.” However, some strange force is causing my bunghole to pinch them off after only a few inches, so the best I get is an “H” or “iiii.” I suspect it’s Log Cabin Republicans.
I grew up believing I had been married to Joe Stalin in my past life. Stalin was known as the Red Tsar. Years later I met a guy and we became friends. The only problem was that this guy’s name literally translates into “Red King.”
So is Stalin going to follow me around forever? And can he cure my sciatica?
Sometimse things seem to change so that they have always been that way. For example: a woman I’ve known for over a decade is a vegetarian and has been since childhood, but I’d swear I remember seeing her eat a hamburger. But she hasn’t eaten meat for longer than I’ve known her. What could this be?
Ferris is dead?
I’m trying to think of a mundane but funny thing to type and nothing is coming to me. Why is that?
I once went to MacDonalds thinking it would be great to scarf on some fries. But when I ordered I forgot the fries. The guy behind the counter then asked me “Would you like some fries with that?”. That was the last time I went to MacDonalds. I don’t care if it lets them provide better service but I don’t want anyone reading my mind!
Super, I suspect there is a very small gnome living in your bowels who is trying to send you a message.
He’s causing the sciatica, and he’s pestering and antagonizing you because you are the reincarnation of one of his enemies. Kruschev, maybe? What day were you born?