For me, Dinsdale, I don’t think it’s a good idea to get too harsh because of the chances of escalating the situation into a big power struggle and the kid developing Issues, as they say. I’ve known a few people who have tried strict discipline, only to wind up with a four(or five, or even older)-year-old who poops in his pants on purpose and who refuses to cooperate in any way–or perhaps develops horrible constipation from holding it in, or whatever. It seems to happen most often when they try to force their kid into training too young–maybe they tried to start him/her at two, and forced the issue too much–and if they’d only waited six months and relaxed a bit, it would have gone fine.
Anyway, that’s why I don’t think it’s a good idea–it might work, as it did for you, but then again it might backfire Very Badly Indeed.
For me, it’s an ideological thing. Potty training should be the child’s accomplishment, not a matter of obeying me. It’s the start of mastering his own body and should be an internally driven process. At the end of the day, it has to be the child’s choice. I’ve often said, children have automatic control over only two things in their little lives: what goes in their mouths and what comes out their bottoms.
I’ve had to take kids to the hospital with impacted feces, and it’s not a pretty sight. It can, in fact, be deadly. And it’s only happened, in my experience, when parents turned potty training into a battle of wills.
This isn’t about wills yet. It’s a game. There’s giggling and running and chasing going on. It’s still possible for the child to make his choice without it being all about Mommy. He can choose to use the potty or be uncomfortable in a wet pair of underpants. I’d go a step further and make him clean his soiled underpants in the sink (obviously then washing them again in hot water with bleach) so he understands that the consequence of wetting his underwear is more work. It shouldn’t be more work for mom, it should be more work for him, since it’s his choice.
I’m not 100% against spanking in all circumstances. But I don’t think it would work for my family for toilet training.
I’ll be the 50th person to suggest dumping the pullups. My son was 3 1/2 when we finally got him trained and it happened about 2 days after we put him in Gerber training pants, which are cotton on the inside and plastic outside. He wet the bed exactly once after he was trained and it never happened again (he insisted on sleeping without diapers). It seemed that as soon as he understood what “wet” was, he was very interested in the potty. Now he tells my 22-month old how he’ll be going on the potty soon too.
I’d agree with what WhNot said. Make it an accomplishment, not a matter of obeying the parents.
Now, if he stood up on the coffee table, ripped his diaper off and deliberately ‘wrote his name’ on the sofa, then that would get him a swat on the backside and a time-out.
Cool.
Thanks for the responses.
I guess I figure the kids will have plenty of opportunities for accomplishments – in this one area I was content to settle for compliance.
I certainly don’t advocate hitting your kid out of anger.
JMO.
Huh. This was about the only area where I had absolutely no problem with Kid Kalhoun. He was day-trained at 17 months and completely trained at 2 years.
My sister, however, had a battle with my niece. She would have accidents occasionally, but I think they were actually deliberate. I think all the suggestions are good here. Let him know you disapprove, you’re not going to clean up after him, and he will lose privileges until he shapes up.
And a visit to the doctor wouldn’t hurt, either. Might be something else altogether.
Animal behaviorists will tell you not to punish a dog or cat for inappropriate elimination, too. The problem is that they might associate punishment with elimination, not just with inappropriate elimination. That can make, say, a problem with a cat’s not using the litter box worse instead of better. A kid who gets negative associations with using the potty can get health problems as a result.
This is the part that stood out to me. I’m not a mom, but this reminds me of the way my Jasper dog will grab something of mine and then run so I will chase him*. It’s a game to him. Your kid has figured out how to compel you to play a fun chase game – fun for HIM.
Don’t play. He’s calling the shots, and he knows he can make you play, whether by running away, or by screaming until you give in. Don’t be manipulated by a 4 year old.
Not flaming or anything here. That’s just what it looks like to me.
*We play chase only as long as I want to play. Then the dog has to drop what he has, or bring it to me. My game, MY rules.
We had very similar issues with one of our boys. He’s always been independent, and I think that this was something that he knew he had complete control over.
A couple of days before his 4th birthday, we started making a big deal of how he was about to turn four, that he was going to be a big boy, and that big boys used the toilet, not their pants.
Do keep in mind that all kids are different. When we tried the naked thing with my daughter, we simply cleaned up the floor for three days - she was as happy squatting where she was as she was going in her diaper. When we tried to let her sit in it, she was happy as a clam - didn’t bother her and she didn’t notice the relationship between dirty diapers and diaper rash.
I will guarentee you two things:
Whatever works, it will be the last thing you try.
Eventually, you’ll wonder why you worried so much over this.