zoogirl worked hard at her job in the Royal Bestiary of Nornaria – cleanng cages, feeding the strange heraldic beasts their favorite meals (bloodworms and rutabagas were especially tasty), and showing around any members of the Royal Court who happened to drop by.
One day, the Royal Fool (oddly enough, named Jester – it was a hereditary position) came to the Bestiary, and as usual zoogirl took the visitor from cage to cage. As they strolled among the cages, they felt a sudden surge of attraction for each other.
zoogirl wanted so badly to win the Fool’s heaart that she rashly boasted of how she could control any of the beasts. The Fool, blinded by sudden love, believed her – and asked her to show off the gryphon’s paces.
A tiny voice of sanity in the back of zoogirl’s mind said “Don’t do it, you lovestruck idiot!” but she ignored it, so powerful was her passion. She threw open the gryphon’s cage and, as the terrible beast leapt out, she bade it kneel and allow her and her lover to mount.
CHOMP. CHOMP.
As the gryphon cavorted to freedom, a shabby little black bird in a nearby tree chortled quietly. Then the Mind-Reaming Mynah cast about for its next victims…
EddyTeddyFreddy decided to see how easy it was for Santa to go down chimneys. So, one day, she went to a neighbor, got onto their roof, and went down their chimney.
Too bad she forgot to check if the fireplace was in use or not.
Ah, we’re back to Tarzan monkey sex sort of deaths, are we? Heh.
EddyTeddyFreddy lamented often that she had never visited the wilds of Africa…and next spring she decides to take the trip.
**ETF’s ** guide will be drop-dead gorgeous - He strolls up and says in a low, husky voice “Hello, lady - shall I show you the wild side?”
Looking shyly up at the magnificant man before her…EddyTeddyFreddy is awakened by a massive coronary.
and Blonde decides to go brunette and through no fault of her own, has a horrible hair dying accident. Hair dye? No, hair “die”… we will all miss her very much.
Of course she is! Spider females are always the most dangerous. (so are human, and every other species for that matter. Oh, well, I guess I have no point).
But this time the eating him after nuptuals fails. Well, not fails, exactly, but the happless little fellow manages to catch in her throat. She chokes on the carnally exhausted corpse of here most final conquest.
Governor Quinn’s great legacy would be Disneyworld’s adoption of the “No use of hallucinogenic substances(even if they were prescribed by a doctor) while riding It’s A Small World” It’s amazing how quickly a trip goes bad when one is subjected to puppets of all nations singing together in harmony. When the ride broke down he took the only escape route available. Unfortunately he did not know how to swim, and was too high to realize that the water was only a foot and a half deep.
Mickey Mouse did, however, show up at the funeral, so his children weren’t overly disappointed.
Governor Quinn died slowly and painfully, losing far too much blood during a routine face shave. Hearing his most favorite Spice Girls song on the radio, he slipped on some shaving cream he’d flicked to the floor unknowingly whilst trying to 'Funky Chicken" his way to bliss.
A rather large gash was noted on his neck from which he bled profusely and fainted, all while the Spice Girls’ song was playing merrily in the background. He is survived by his goldfish Warren and two ferrets, Ralphie and Bob.
Well, Governor (your excellency?) you happen to have been observing the mating habits of the little spider when she “expired”. The look on your wife’s face as she also watched causes you such nightmares that you die in the night pitifully sqeeking<help me!> <help me!>
Governer Quinn was sitting at the Govermental desk, signing Govermental papers with the Govermental pen when it happened.
The Gov was sending a miserable missive to a former political pal. Said pal had dared to cross the Gov over a bogus bill, and was now recieving some wrath.
Such was the Governer’s apex of anger, that during a particularly nasty notation, the Gov stabbed down the pen, missing the paper and driving the ink deep into the Govermental hand.
Governer Quinn chortled softly. His plan was working! All his political enemies - zoogirl, Stentor, Sanguine Spider, pervert - were convinced he was a goner. Finished! Done for! Ah, but His Governessity had other plans!
Governer Quinn pressed the hidden spring that opened the secret compartment in his desk. From the drawer that slid open, he removed a slim book, bound in black snakeskin. Turning its age-browned, brittle pages with care, he searched for… Yes! There it was.
Now to assemble a few ingredients, and follow the directions exactly…
Precisely at midnight, snug in their beds after an evening’s celebratory partying, zoogirl, Stentor, Sanguine Spider, and pervert suddenly jerked awake. What was that sound? An eerie howling, a slavering snarl…
AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!
Next morning, Governer Quinn spoke to the news media about the terrible, mysterious demise of his enemies: “Though we had our political disagreements, still I respected their opinions, and I shall not rest until the fiend or fiends responsible for their dreadful deaths has been captured.”
Which was a mistake to vow, since the Powers upon which Governer Quinn had called for his revenge took him at his word. Governer Quinn expired of extreme sleep deprivation a week later.
EddyTeddyFreddy took a trip to Happy, Texas on June 17, 2004 – “howdy, y’all!” she said to the locals as she settled into her lovely cottage. Ignoring the MOOO of the cows in the distance, ETF thought it would be a really great idea to take a brisk walk on that fateful night. The sky was clear and the stars were shining…and then she heard a whisper:
“But my heart it is brighter
Than all of the many
Stars in the sky,
For it sparkles with Eddy—
It glows with the light
Of the love of my Teddy—
With the thought of the light
Of the eyes of my Freddy.”
“Whatever!” EddyTeddyFreddy says out loud - “I didn’t care for Poe in high school, and I’m not about to start now.”
And then she fell to her death into the cattle guard.
Ok, technically you could only break your leg if you falled into a cattle guard. But, there were monsters with sharp teeth awaiting ETF, you see.
I call FOUL! you cannot post your own death. The gods of SDMB become so incensed that they command the English teacher to kill you with a 20th century participle clause. It takes 40 years, and you are begging for death by the end.
Very well, pervert. I - a proofreader by trade - will see to the demise of Blonde. I’d say buried by the collapse of a display pile of dictionaries at the local bookstore should do the trick.
Meanwhile, the gods of the SDMB become incensed at pervert for attempting to usurp their authority by crying foul on another poster in MPSIMS - get thee to the Pit if you want to do that! Thus, pervert finds that all his posts are eaten by the hamsters and never appear on the board. In an agony of frustration, he hurls his computer out the window, neglecting to notice that the power cord is looped around his ankle. The fall wouldn’t have been so bad if someone hadn’t left a cattle guard standing on end right under pervert’s window.
EddyTeddyFreddy died suddenly and unexpectedly last Sunday evening, sitting slumped over her computer. The speeds at which she had been typing were quoted by the investigators as “incredible”, “inhuman”, and “unnatural, just bloody unnatural”.
We, the posters of the SDMB forums, can only ponder about the situation in which EddyTeddyFreddy was responding to since none of us were there. It’s obvious she felt she had to type so quickly as it was labeled the cause of her demise and she was found at her trusty ol’ computer, hands on the keyboard until the very last. She will be sorely missed by us all.
ALRIGHT, Dopers! Which one of you out there pissed her off!?
The cats showed very little interest in her body, but directed their glowing eyes to her computer screen.
I took that picture 5 minutes ago! The dark one is 10 yrs old, the white one is 7 months old…OK, I’ll stop now.
ETF gnashes her teeth in despair. She’d been so sure she would win the cute cats sleeping photo contest with this photo – and now Blonde has trumped her best!
To add insult to injury, SanguineSpider has once again killed her off, mocking – yes, mocking her poor-but-honest™ efforts to contribute her mite to the SDMB.
There’s only one thing to do, and ETF does it.
Ladies, you should expect a package in the mail very soon. Yes, it will be making a pleasant ticking sound – it’s a lovely new wall clock! Don’t waste a moment opening it.
