There Is No Joke I Love To Tell More Than This One

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Sam Clam and Larry Lobster

Sam Clam and Larry lobster were the best of friends living at the bottom of the ocean. They were practically inseparable, which explains how they both got caught in a lobster trap together and died together.

Larry Lobster found himself at the Gates of Heaven talking to Peter.

“Larry, welcome to Eternity. Here you will be eternally happy before God.”

Larry was overwhelmed by the glorious sights, but one thought crept in, “Peter, I am overjoyed to be allowed the glories of the Kingdom of Heaven, but where is my friend Sam Clam. I wish to be with him at this happy time.”

Peter looking a bit puzzled started paging through a large book. After a few minutes he closed that book and pulled out an even larger, thicker black book. Finally he stopped and stabbed at the page, “Ah-ha! Sam Clam is in Hell.”

“Hell?” asked Larry Lobster, incredulously. “There must be some mistake, Sam and I were together all the time. How could I and not…”

Peter cut him off, “Apparently Sam lied once and once had an impure thought. Please, Sam is not worthy of you or of this place. Take pleasure in all of the glory.”

“Can I at least visit Sam and say goodbye?”

A horrified Peter responded, “Of course not! You cannot visit Hell, you are in heaven. Please Larry, go get your robe, wings, and harp and take refuge in the beauty which awaits you.”

Larry acquiesced to Peter, but he remained despondent and sad, despite being in Heaven and all it promised. Larry frequently requested the opportunity to visit his friend Sam Clam. Each time Peter rebuffed him. Larry’s depression was so extreme that others in Heaven were not enjoying the afterlife as they had been promised. Eventually God heard of this and summoned Peter.

“Peter, what is wrong with Larry Lobster?” And Peter explained. “Did you tell him it was not reasonable to go to Hell once you had attained Heaven?” And Peter explained that he had. “Then I guess we must make an exception, under certain conditions…” and God explained to Peter what Peter explained to Larry.

“Larry you may go to Hell to visit your friend, Sam Clam. However, you must return before the clock strikes twelve, you must not damage or lose your three Holy possessions: your robe, your wings, or your harp. Do you understand?”

“Oh yes, yes, thank you! Thank you!” and with that Larry rushed down to Hell to visit Sam Clam.

When he got there he was startled to see Sam Clam running a disco. People were dancing and drinking and it was dark so Larry could not find Sam right away. Then from behind he heard “Larry Lobster is that you? I thought you were in Heaven?”

Larry turned around and saw his old friend Sam Clam, dressed to the nines, “Sam I just came to visit and to finally say goodbye.”

The two of them talked and reminisced for hours. Larry was enjoying himself immensely, totally oblivious to the time when Sam Clam said “You had better go, it is almost time”

“But I want to stay here…”

“No Larry, this is not your place. There are things here I won’t mention. Go back to Heaven and be happy.”

So with tears in their eyes they said their good-byes. Larry rushed up to Heaven and reached the Gates just as the clock struck twelve. Peter was waiting.

“Larry, you barely made it,” said Peter.

“I know but I…”

"And your robe is filthy, " said a disgusted Peter.

“I can explain, you see…”

“And your wings! One is ripped and the other is practically fallen off,” chastised Peter.

“Funny you should mention that, because…”

“And your harp, Larry, where is your harp?” asked a disappointed Peter.

“Oh dear,” answered Larry, “I left my harp in Sam Clam’s Disco.”

2

Hey! Get the name right. :smiley:

3

::coughs and listens to the silence::

WHAT?!?!

4

A lady gets on the bus and sits next to a guy whose leg is
shaking uncontrollably.
She asks" What’s wrong with your leg?"
“Oh, I stepped on a land mine in Vietnam,” he replied.

So she gets up and sits next to another man, whose mangled arm has a violent tremor.
“Whats the matter with your arm?”, she asks.
“Oh, I forgot to let go of the hand grenade in Vietnam,” he replies.

So she finally sits next to a man twitching his index finger.
“You get that in Vietnam?”, she asks.
“Naw,” he says, "I got that outta my nose! "

5

:regresses to age 10:

Hey Tretiak, that’s so funny the last time I heard that I fell off my dinosaur! :stuck_out_tongue:

6

um… ok… can the OP please explain the punchline to me, did he like hell? is that why he left his harp there, so he could go back? I’m confused, did I miss a pun? please this is eating me alive.

7

::Sings:: I left my heart in San Francisco…

8

ohh

9

Larry lost his eye in a horrible farming accident. Being of modest means, he carved his own replacement out of wood. He was always self concious about it though.

One day he and his friends went out to the club. All his friends picked up chicks and were dancing, and laughing, and just having a great time. Larry, being self-concious about his lost eye, couldn’t work up the nerve to ask any of the young ladies to dance. Dejectedly, he was about to leave, when he saw a bee-yooo-tee-ful woman in the back of the room. It was lust at first sight. Larry screwed up his courage and crossed the floor to ask the enchantress to dance. When he got close, Larry noticed than with all her radiant beauty, she had but one flaw, a slight hare-lip. Not to be discouraged by trivia Larry went right up to her and asked “Would you like to dance?”

She replied breathlessly “Oh! Would I?”

“HARE-LIP! HARE-LIP!” Larry shouted back.

10

A young couple gave birth to twins, and realising that they did NOT have the wherewithall to care for two babies, decided to give one up for adoption.

After puzzling and arguing over WHICH baby to give up, they finally decide to give up BOTH babies…

One is adopted by an Arabic family and is named “Amal”…

The other is adopted by a Hispanic family and is named “Juan”…
Years pass…
One day, the (now much older couple) are eating dinner, when there is a knock at the door… they open the door, and standing there is a strong, handsome young man! “I am Juan!” he says, “And you are my true parents who gave me up for adoption Lo! These many years ago!”

With a happy cry, the couple invite Juan inside, and begin to ask about his life… it seems that the Hispanic family that adopted him were very kind, and very wealthy! Juan had a wonderful childhood, went to the best college, and now is a Doctor practising at a major hospital! A happy, productive life!! It seems that the couple made the RIGHT decision in allowing him to be adopted!

Eventually, after much talk, Juan leaves (agreeing to keep in touch, etc.)…

The couple go to bed.

Shortly before sleep, the wife turns to her husband. “Honey,” she says, “Now that we have met Juan, and know that he had a good life, if wish that we could meet his twin brother! I want to know about his life!”

Her husband turned to her and asked: “Why, darling? They were twins…”

(Wait for it!!!)

“Once you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal!!”

[sup]Thank you! Thank you! I’ll be here all week! Be sure to tip your waitress!![/sup]

11

This man had a strange psychological disorder. He refused to wear clothes and instead, would only allow saran wrap to touch his body. Every day before he went to work, he wrapped himself in saran wrap and out the door he went. Time for dinner? More saran wrap and out to get some food.

Finally, his family couldn’t take it anymore. They insisted that he seek psychiatric help.

So, he wrapped himself up in the usual garb and went to the psychiatrists office. He sat down on the sofa and said to the doc, “What can possibly be the matter with me.”

And the doc replied…

“Well…I can clearly see your nuts.”

Get it?

12

Ohhhhh! Sexywriter… that was BAD!!!

And I thought MINE was bad! Yours was much worse!!!

13

What? How can you tell me you didn’t think that was humor at its finest? I was thinking of quitting my day job and going on the road as a comedian. You’ve crushed my dream.

-L

14

A cat and a horse are walking through the forest. Suddenly the cat slips into a pit of quicksand.

“Help me Ed!”, says the cat, “Quick, run home, get the Corvette, cruise back here tie a rope to the back and throw It in so you can pull me out.”

“No way.”, exclaimed the horse, “There isn’t enough time. I’ll back up, get a running start, jump over the pit while my dick drags in the quicksand. You can grab it and I’ll pull you out.”

“That’ll never work!”, said the cat.

“Well dude, you’re sinking fast, you don’t have much of a choice.”

“OK, dude, go for it.”

The horse backed up and ran toward the pit. At the last second, he jumped and let his dick drag in the quicksand. As it passed the cat, the cat grabbed it and, miraculously, was pulled out of the quicksand.

The moral of this story?

If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Corvette to get a little pussy.

heh

15

Hey kids! Here’s one sure to get me flamed no matter how I phrase it. So…go for it! Have fun flaming me! I’m putting on my asbestos undies now.

Q: How do you keep a Republican from drowning?

A: Take your foot off his head.

:slight_smile:

Now can I have my dream back?

-L

16

(A new SD rule, instituted by me, Astroboy) DO NOT let me crush your dreams! I am an idiot!

Ask my friends! Ask Astrofiancee!)

By all means, SexyWriter go on the road!! You’d be way better than most of the so-called comedians out there!!

But, xploder sucks…:smiley:

17

How do you know a woman has no brain?

She doesn’t have a weiner to keep it in.

18

A man and his son are in the park and the kid sees two dogs having sex. “Dad,” asks the boy, “what are those dogs doing?” “Well, son, those dogs are making puppies.” “Oh, ok,” says the boy.

Later that night the little boy wants a drink of water and goes into his parents’ bedroom. The parents are in a hot and heavy session of love making and don’t notice the kid for a minute. “Dad,” asks the boy, “What are you and mommy doing?” Startled, the Dad thinks quickly and says “Well, son, we’re making you a baby brother.” Withoug missing a beat the kid says “Dad, could you roll mom over 'cos I’d rather have a puppy.”

Another that never fails to slay me - all the more so because Gracie Allen and George Burns used it in a movied in the 30s (it seems pretty harsh for that time period):

Gracie Allen is a nurse and George Burns is a man visiting the hospital - “Nurse, have many children been born in this hospital lately?” “Why, yes they have. Just last week we had a woman who had triplets one day and twins the next.” “Triplets one day and twins the next, I"ve never heard of such a thing!” “Yes, well, one of the babies died.”

19

A guy walks into a bar with his dog.

“I’m sorry,” the bartender said, “we don’t allow dogs in here.”

The man smiled and patted the bartender’s arm. “It’s okay. Larry here is a talking dog.”

The dog nodded. “It’s true; I can talk.”

The bartender rolled his eyes. “I’m not impressed,” he replied. “We get ventriloquists in here all the time. Take your mutt and leave.”

“Look,” said the man, “I’ll prove it to you. I need to go across the street to the ATM anyway. I’ll leave Larry here and you can chat while I’m gone.”

So the man left the bar. Larry jumped up on a barstool and asked, “Could I have a whiskey sour please?”

Now the bartender’s impressed. “Wow, you can talk!” He mixed the drink, poured it into a bowl for Larry, and then smiled broadly.

“Listen,” he said, “the drink’s on the house if you’ll do a little favor for me. My wife is a waitress in the restaurant next door. She’d get a real kick out of meeting a talking dog. Here’s a ten. If you go next door and order coffee from her, I’ll let you keep the change.”

“Fine,” said Larry. He took the sawbuck in his mouth and left.

Moments later Larry’s owner returned. “Where’s my dog?” he exclaimed, briefly alarmed at Larry’s absence.

“It’s okay,” said the bartender. “I just sent him next door to meet my wife. Come on, we’ll go over there together.”

So the bartender pulled on his jacket and left with the man.

As they were crossing the alley separating the bar from the restaurant, they looked into it, and there was Larry, enthusiastically having his way with a French poodle.

Larry’s owner is shocked. “Larry! You’ve never done anything like this before!”

Larry looked up at him. “I’ve never had money before.”

20

So this guy gets stranded on a jungle island.

For days and days he searches for natives, but can’t find a single one. He stared out over the ocean for weeks hoping to see a boat that he could signal. But it was all for naught, he was irrevocably stranded. Forever.

Once he came to terms with this fact his life got much better, as he decided to make due with what he had available to him. He built himself a beautiful home made of grass. He decorated it with anything nice he found, vines, furs, anything that caught his eye. And when he learned how to hunt he could eat like a king. Things were going great, he was finally beginning to enjoy his quiet life.

One day, while exploring, he found a huge stone throne left behind by some ancient culture. It was beautiful. Engravings covered most of it, an odd language covered the rest. He was enchanted, and determined at that moment to bring the throne home, no matter how difficult the challenge.

It took him nearly a year to move it. He considered putting it on the first floor, but couldn’t stand the thought of further cluttering his living room. He decided to put it in his bedroom on the second floor, no matter how difficult the challenge.

It took him another few years before he could create a working system of pulleys, levers, and wheels. But with much perserverence, and not a small amount of elbow grease, he was able to put it in his bedroom.

He decided to cook himself a feast in celebration of his achievement, but as he got half way done with cooking the throne burst through the bedroom floor and crushed the man.

The moral of the story is:

Don’t stow thrones in grass houses.