Bloody keyboard!
Mourn these dear posters and forget not the reason. The clock, it is ticking and short is our “season”
S is for dear SanguineSpider
A Doper of great delight
Who played with verve and vigor
Our games, both day and night.
0h, mundane and pointless the threads
She frolicked among, so witty
Till a wayward Pit denizen’s treads
Ran her over – the horror! The pity!
HUH? Someone spoke ill of me in the Pit? Oh, I cry now…
Naw, I just made it up for the rhyme. There, there…
WHEW! You almost scared me to…
Bwa-hahahahahahahhaaaaaa!!!
Well, I was running out of creative deaths for you. There’s only so many ways to stamp out an arachnid, eh?
I suppose I could spray poison on your web, a slow-acting poison that would gradually dissolve yor exoskeleton until you fell to pieces that dribbled to the ground…
And I could pray to the Goddess, Lolth, to enhance my spidery powers, and transform myself into a huge but elegant black widow. As this huge but elegant black widow, I’d climb up to your window and skitter inside, finding you peacefully slumbering 'pon your comfy bed and spin a silky web about you before you woke up. I’d gather you into my arms and steal you away before the hour of dawn, taking you to my giant web where I’d slowly suck out your bodily fluids without ever waking you and leave you a dry, dessicated husk of a human shell to wither away to dust in the wind. How’s that for a death, eh? EH?
As I ride down a narrow woodlands trail, the sun shining softly, often and often I see a thin sparkling line across the path ahead of me. Usually, it’s above my horse’s head, but right in line to brush against my chest. Some poor hard-working spider has toiled who knows how long to cast her silken strand across the (to her) yawning gulf. I trot on through, breaking the spider’s thread, tumbling the arachnid to the ground, where my horse’s steel-shod hooves can trample it into the mud.
So, SanguineSpider, how’s the thread-spinning going lately?
Eddy prances in
joyous glee. Doesn’t see the
falling satellite.
Gyrate found me out.
I must do away with him.
Woodchipper maybe?
GrizzRich meets demise
Spreadeagled on nail-studded
Red-hot coals. Horror!
EddyTeddyFreddy wanted Carrot Top and there were no two ways about it! She had clipped his every clipping, recorded his every television show and phone commercial, bought every tee-shirt he had ever graced with his image, attended every live performance he had ever done and still she wanted more!
She decided that she’d attend his next show with the intention of showing him just how much she loved him. Ahhh, Carrot Top!
(night of the show)
Dressed to kill in a tight red leather dress that plumped up her cleavage just so, EddyTeddyFreddy, ticket in hand, gained entrance to the club very early in the evening the night of Carrot Top’s performance and waited. She studied the layout of the place carefully and decided she wasn’t going to be close enough. Seeing some doors near the back of the stage area, she walked swiftly toward her goal. Two big men with many muscles were lounging near and at once, they stood, barring her path.
“I need the ladies room”, **EddyTeddyFreddy drawled sweetly, hoping to play off pure innocence and flirty daring. They smiled to see her tight red dress but shook their heads as if they shared a brain between the two.
“Honeycakes, you can’t pass through these doors”, one said and the other nodded. She pouted playfully. “But isn’t this the way to the restroom?” she asked, twirling her hair playfully.
Again, they shook their heads, smiling because she was so darn fetching. She tilted her pretty head and pouted again.
'I gotta tinkle", she cutely announced but still the two muscle men denied her entrance. She felt the flames of righteous anger swell and burn into her stomach. They weren’t understanding her at all!
'Let me through, baby", she begged softly and went to grab the door handle but they held her back. She growled fiercely!
“You don’t get it!” she shrieked, struggling in their huge arms. There was no way they were going to let her go now and they would RUIN her plans! HOW DARE!!
“Back off, honeycakes. Carrot Top don’t have no groupies and even if he did, we can’t let them back behind the stage area”, the other fellow told her. The men couldn’t believe this girlie’s strength. She was incredibly strong and they reached for their firearms just in case. EddyTeddyFreddy howled in utter RAGE, stomping on their feet with her spiked heels and bit at their hands.
'YOU don’t get IT!" she growled, pulling and tugging in their grasp. “I am his number one FAN!”
'Ya ain’t getting back there!" they told her and scuffled some more. Boy, was she strong!
“I have to show him how much I love him! He’ll understand and he’ll see we were meant to be together FOREVER!” she hissed and finally broke free. Running past the two guards, she got hold of the doors and pulled them open. Just as the doors began to move, a shot rang out in the quiet club.
(silence)
EddyTeddyFreddy saw Carrot Top standing in a swirling mist. Smiling she held out her arms to him and he moved toward her. The fog was getting thicker and she couldn’t see him clearly, he seemed almost hazy but she kept her arms out for him. HE would find her, HE would see how much she loved him, HE would marry her and whisk her away from everything! Oh, how she loved him so! The fog obscured her eyes and she knew nothing.
(an hour later)
The show was wrapping up, Carrot Top was nearing the end of his crazy one-liners, the audience laughing and clapping. The two muscled guards were talking to some police outside the club as the ambulance took EddyTeddyFreddy away to the hospital.
So sad, they said, she went nutty. Got all crazy and wild on them, they said. Never seen such a fanatic for Carrot Top, they said. The police officers took it all down in the notebooks, thanked the two, and assured them there would be a investigation into the matter of the crazed fan. Alas, Carrot Top, due to his celeb status, never even knew what had taken place.
Bold will be the DEATH of me, GRRRRRR!
Alas, poor SanguineSpider! In her struggles to master the coding for BOLD, she slaved over a hot keyboard hour after hour, day after day, until she wasted away to a mere mandible and fell off her web into the waiting mouth of a guinea hen.
After a long career as a bootlegger, EddyTeddyFreddy was arrested by the Chicago police for her role in smuggling liquor into the US from Canada on July 14th, 1930, and taken to a lumber yard on the East Side (the part of the city bordering Indiana, not the lake).
At least, they were wearing police uniforms.
The body was never found, except for the head, which was found in a suitcase in South Chicago on July 23rd, 1930.
No arrests were ever made, and the crime remains unsolved.
Governor Quinn was unable to shake off the song in his head:
COME ALL WITHOUT, COME ALL WITHIN
YOU’LL NOT SEE NOTHING LIKE THE MIGHTY QUINN
I LIKE TO DO JUST LIKE THE REST,
I LIKE MY SUGAR SWEET
BUT GUARDING FUMES AND MAKING HASTE
IT AIN’T MY CUP OF MEAT
EV’RYBODY’S 'NEATH THE TREES
FEEDING PIGEONS ON A LIMB
He chose to strangle himself with the tape from an 8-track cartridge.
Ya know, now that I’m not high - I must say, those lyrics make absolutely no sense whatsoever!!
Alas, poor Blonde – in a dogged attempt to make sense of popular song lyrics from the '60s and '70s, she inhaled. And inhaled. And inhaled until her lungs collapsed and her cranium imploded.
At the funeral, they played “The Fool On The Hill” and “I Am the Walrus.” Somehow, it seemed fitting.
Blonde discovered that the Tupperware container that had been at the back of her refrigerator for God knows how long, was still there. She looked at it and thought for a moment.
'You have been in there for a long time, what should I do with you?" she asked the covered bowl, giggling to herself because honestly, a covered Tupperware bowl cannot talk and Blonde knew this but she asked anyway.
“I think you should open me up.”
Blonde, startled at the sudden voice coming from out of nowhere, shot straight up, hitting her head on the edge of the refrigerator and she winced.
“FUDGE!” she croaked painfully and rubbed her temple. Who had said that? There was no one else at home and she couldn’t imagine herself imagining a voice for no good reason. She looked around the kitchen and rolled her eyes. Good one, you dork she thought to herself and started to close the refrigerator door.
“NOOOOOOOOoooooo!” a voice cried out and this time Blonde jumped out of her skin (not literally, 'cuz that’s just nutty) and swore as her heart skipped a beat. Whirling about, she saw no one in the room. “What the hell!”, she shouted and grabbed a knife from the drawer, just in case. She looked around very slowly, seeing no one but she peeked in the pantry, just in case.
Nothing… nobody… nada!
Sighing deeply and hoping she wasn’t becoming a fruitloop, Blonde started to close the door again and this time the voice called out, “Please, please don’t leave me in here!”
Blonde leaned down to look in her fridge. “Huh?”
The Tupperware container looked back (not literally 'cuz that’s just nutty). Blonde grabbed the covered bowl and shut the door. This was just too weird.
The bowl sat in her hand, still and silent. She stared at it and thought a moment. Open it up, huh? Hmmm, maybe…
She popped up the lid and set the bowl on the counter, wondering just when the exact moment was that she had gone nutty.
“Thanks, thanks so much.”
The voice was coming from the bowl. The Tupperware bowl. The Tupperware bowl that had been in the back of her refrigerator for months. What the hell was this?
“You talk”, Blonde said matter-of-factly. She stared at the bowl, stared at the green, mossy growth that covered the unidentifable food that was in the bowl. Nothing moved that she could see but it definitely had spoken.
“Yeah, I learned from the TV.”
Blonde squinted at the bowl and wondered just how bad the food had become to be able to actually converse. It had intelligence, it had life.
“You friggin’ talk!” she announced and eyed the bowl again. “You learned from TV.”
"Yeah… "
OH, BOY… she was insane!
“TV is very educational!”, chirped the bowl happily. Blonde wondered what nuthouse she’d end up in and grinned.
“TV sucks… too much sex, too much violence… too many damned commercials”, she replied. The bowl agreed after a moment. “But I like Mr. Rogers”, it said.
“He’s dead now.”
The bowl sighed. “Yeah, he’s dead.”
Blonde thought about calling her sister and decided against it. This was too weird to share, way too weird.
“You were saving me.”
She turned back to the bowl and nodded, “Yeah, I was.”
“You left me in here for sooooo long.”
'Yeah, sorry."
“Why did you leave me for so long?”
She shrugged. “Don’t know. Does it matter?”
'Yes… that’s just mean."
She grimaced and shuffled her feet. “Sorry.”
(silence)
“You can eat me now.”
(blink)
“What?”
“Yeah, you can fix me now.”
“Yeah, right”, Blonde muttered.
“Honest… you can heat me up and eat me. I’m still good.”
She laughed. How absurd!
“You’re green.”
“Only a little.”
She smiled at it’s persistance. “I’ll get sick.”
“No, just scrap off the tiny bit o’ green and you’ll be fine.”
Blonde laughed louder. “No.”
“You love your mom’s cooking! You wanted me enough to save me.”
She grinned ruefully. Yes, she had saved the food. Yes, she did love her mom’s cooking. There was only a little bit of green on top. Maybe if she nuked it REALLY good, she’d be ok. She had planned on fixing a meal before the bowl had started to talk anyway.
“You aren’t lying?”, she asked, narrowing her eyes. The bowl didn’t move.
“I wouldn’t lie.”
It did sound like an honest bowl. Who was she to judge? Blonde picked up the bowl and scraped off the green growth, flinging it into the sink before popping open her microwave. Setting the bowl inside, she shut the door and punched some buttons. The oven lit up and the bowl turned. Numbers counted down to zero and she heard the food start to sizzle and bubble after a few moments went by. The heat was on high and she waited until the food in the bowl was crackling and popping like crazy before she dared take it out.
Grabbing a pot holder, she fished out the simmering bowl of leftovers and popped the microwave shut. She stirred the food in the bowl with a fork and waited for it too cool.
“You really are still ok”, she told the bowl because the smell of her mother’s leftovers made her mouth water. The bowl was silent. “You still there?”, she asked and still there was no answer. Bt honestly, that was just fine because Blonde didn’t think that hearing the food talk anymore would keep her appetite up.
She waited some more for the food to cool enough for eating. After another few moments, she dipped her fork into the bowl and hooked a bite. Here goes, she thought to herself and ate the bite from the fork. It was still very warm but the taste was just fine. She ate more and got a Diet Coke from the pantry to wash it down. YUM! It was just fine! The bowl hadn’t lied.
(hours later)
Blonde had settled down on the couch to enjoy her evening programs when a bit of gas made her tummy rumble.
“URRRP!” she belched loudly and covered her mouth in surprise. Oh well. She didn’t think anything more of it and settled back down to watch TV. Her tummy gurgled and it made her laugh. If only her SO were here to hear that. She’d be embarrassed and he’d make a cute joke.
“URRRPPPPP!”
Whoa… that was a big one! She giggled and blushed. Thank God she was alone. Her SO would surely pick on her for this gas attack. He’d not let it go for a while! She sat and watched, watched and sat when her tummy suddenly rumbled very loudly. Her stomach hurt! She tried getting comfy but the pain wouldn’t let her find a good spot. “URRRRRRRRP-RAAAARCK!!” Holy GOD! Her tummy was almost swelling with all that horrible gas! OW! It wouldn’t settle!
“UUUURRRRRP-RAARCCCCCCCCK BRRRRAAAACCCCCCCCCK!!!”
Her tummy wasswelling now! Oh, it hurt so badly and she kept belching so hard! The food! It must be the FOOD!
Blonde tried dialing for an ambulance but she couldn’t get ahold of the phone because the burps were ripping out of her throat with incredible force! “UUURRRR-RRRRR-RRRRP!!! UUURRRRAAAACCCKK-KK-KKKK!! BRRRRACCCKKKK!”
She fell to the floor, holding her swollen stomach, belching until she couldn’t breathe! Her final belch was so violent, she passed out (and possibly farted to boot).
The green growth in the sink cackled evilly and slid down the drain as Blonde belched to death. It had finally gotten its revenge.
I know I am very odd, you don’t have to tell me…
wanders in aimlessly
i came here seeking a peaceful, perhaps humourous death, but no, i am cursed with immortality instead. 
still, i am developing a morbid interest in this thread but i am not creative enough to contribute. since i can’t die the next poster can skip me and deal with SanguineSpider instead.
shijinn, weary unto death (HA!) of his immortality, sought for some way, any way to escape his cruel fate. His disconsolate stream of electrons raced desperately through all the forums, seeking some way out.
Neither Cecil nor the Staff could find an answer, and the Teeming Millions in GQ were stymied, too. Cafe Society offered to make a film noire of his story, but wouldn’t give him a cut of the profits. IMHO held a poll and voted (by a large majority) that he should go on suffering since it was becoming quite entertaining. MPSIMS became overloaded with joke threads about his condition till the mods cracked down on the hamster abuse and locked them all.
At last, heartsick and half-crazed, shijinn flung himself into the Pit. There he waited, hoping someone would flame him out of existence. But everyone was too busy attacking their favorite targets, and his tattered shade was ignored.
What to do? What to do? Finally, at his wits’ end, shijinn realized the only way to get any attention was to attack a popular and blameless Doper. So he started a thread lambasting SanguineSpider for making her deaths too long and elaborate.
It worked! But too well. Suddenly every Doper online rushed to condemn, despise, denigrate, and hurl invective at shijinn. The hamsters screamed! The SDMB shuddered, on the brink of catastrophe! At the edge of disaster, Cecil, our Perfect Master™, stepped in and with a wave of his hand banished shijinn from existence. The board shuddered once more and settled back to its usual level of semi-stability; the hamsters returned to their wheels and took up their toils once more; and all was well, in SDMB-Land.
Except that, in all the excitement, someone stepped on a large, handsome black widow spider who’d ventured into the Pit to see what all the rumpus was about…