One thing is for sure, while there is some argument as to how, NoClueBoy definatly has till next Thursday.
As for Dread Cthulhu, I’m so terribly sorry, but you probably shouldn’t have had that ham sandwich for lunch. You have 3…2…1…oh, well.
Eats_Crayons, one day, after working your way up the mafia hierarchy, you’ll be told you’re going to be a “made” man. You’ll be driven to a house by a couple of top mafioso for your ceremony. As you walk through the door, you find the house empty. The last thing to go through your mind will be a bullet from a silenced gun.
Sorry, lifes a bitch eh? 
Well, it all started when you were putting away the groceries. You found that you were out of cat food and had forgotten to pick any up. And you have 6 cats. But it was raining and you thought you could wait until morning to buy kibble for the kitties.
You were wrong. Geez, sucks to be you!
sounds like a porno flick gone awry.
What’s the old saying? “First against the wall when the revolution comes…”
Angel thought that it would be fun
to go see a stage magician
quite deranged was the mage
when he dragged her on stage
he sawed abaca into two sections
Eww, I hate termites. Next poster might want to check and see if anyone got skipped in the rush rather then do me again.
Yeah, that is one weird-ass simulpost for NoClueBoy. Stay home next Thursday, dude. And maybe you need a trustworthy spotter that day just to be on the safe side…
Never fear, Fern Forest – no termites for you!
You’ll be engulfed in a wave of ticks fleeing a forest fire, and then pecked to death by hungry flocks of beady-eyed, creepy-looking guinea hens in a massive feeding frenzy for their favorite insect.
Damn. I’m scheduled to go skydiving next Thursday. Right after my bomb defusing class.
NoClueBoy, stay away from moving vehicles next Thursday. And no operating heavy machinery.
No skydiving either!
NoClueBoy, in the lab for Bomb Defusing 101, studies the device laid before him. He picks it up, examines it closer, and turns it over to get a better look at the underside, only to discover …
KABOOM
… oopsie, it was wired with a mercury switch!
Class is cancelled for the remainder of the day while the cleaning crew sweep up NCB and ship him off to the airport so he can, at least, fulfill his skydiving appointment. No real need for a parachute I suppose.
Death by Snu Snu. It’s always been a reliable punchline in the past…
But trust me, you won’t be laughing.
ArchiveGuy was tragically killed when he circled after stepping on the sit-n-spin in his living room while talking on a corded phone.
What did your mother tell you about sticking forks into electrical outlets?
Blacked out the entire neighborhood.
Way to go.
As irony would have it given his name, Mr Blue Sky will be struck by an errant lightning bolt on an otherwise perfectly sunny day.
Tripler
But he won’t black out the neighborhood.
Tripler, Christopher Robin’s favorite cousin, was having such a splendid day in the Hundred Acre Wood. It was uncanny, the resemblance between he and CR, and it was not uncommon for the gang to confuse the two. Tripler had noticed things were terribly quiet. Usually, he and Tigger would bounce around and terrorize Piglet until he peed, but not today. A while later, he came upon Kanga’s and Roo’s house. “Funny,” thought Tripler, “Kanga usually invites me in for a mid-morning ‘snack’. I wonder why she’s not home.” Just then, he hears a low growl. He turns to find Pooh, eyes lit up like fire, and shaking like a madman. Pooh, mistaking him for CR, shouts “But … but … I finished you off!” Tripler innocently moves toward Pooh to try and comfort him, but Pooh, in his rabid psychotic state, lifts the axe above his head one last time and swiftly puts it between Tripler’s eyes.
Thanks to AA Milne’s Pooh Goes Ape Sh!t for the inspiration
Oh, no fair! I’m trying to get out of “the family.” I swear, I am! But every time I thought that I was out, they pull me back in!
Herge, you of course will meet the ghost of Tintin. He’ll stab you with his pointy hair. Milou will eat your entrails. Your body will never be found.
Peritrochoid-You always vault over the stairs don’t you, you silly,silly neophyte.
The walk has iced over and you cannot escape it 38 days from today, 9:30am, as you slide forward on the ice of the sidewalk,knock your head on the post and freefall backwards onto the stairs, bonk, bonk, bonk goes your skull as blood seeps out the sides of your drooling mouth.
NVME77
Eats_Crayons: - it is December 10, 2010. You’re strolling along the office supply lane of your local grocery store…and whoa! That 80-color box of crayons catches your eye. As you reach out to get it, you see a shadow out of your left eye - and one of those pesky birds that’s somehow made it’s way into the store stabs you in the neck with it’s beak, leaving you bleeding on the floor (surrounded by the lovely hues of your Crayons).
Quoth the Raven…nevermore…
Please let my death be painless, OK?