And, then, there’s Lobsang - who will not believe what lurks behind door #1.
So - you should pick door #2. But, WAIT - what if it’s a clever trick, and they’re banking on you picking door #2?
You really should go with door #1, it’s clearly the safest choice.
Did I say 1 or 2? I meant 2…ooops!
Ah, Blonde… How many times have I shuffled you off this mortal coil? How many more ways can I find to extinguish your existence? What clever, creative story with a twist at the end can I come up with to perpetuate my lethal levity?
:: pondering ::
:: cogitating ::
:: ruminating ::
Oh, the heck with it. C’mere. Stand there. Good. Now turn your head just so. Perfect.
:: swings hockey stick ::
She shoots; she sco-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ores!!!
EddyTeddyFreddy wakes up in the morning, makes some coffee and heads to the computer, logs in the SDMB as every day and is shocked when she doesn´t see the expected pages, she panics and runs in circles around the computer, pulling her hairs off and screaming:
“Where´s my SDMB? what have they done to it!!?”
She can´t handle the change, jumps off the window and plumets 15 storys to the sidewalk.
This prediction has already half come true! Beware, we may all get deleted soon!
And Ale is the previous poster! An omen, perhaps!
“Death! Death! Death to the defender of the SDMB’s new look!”
The :mad: mob swirled and roared beneath Lobsang’s window. He crouched by his computer, trembling and whitefaced. :eek: Why, oh why had he ever tried to bring reason and patience to the volatile passions inflaming the Doperworld? :smack: Oh, if only someone would just Pit him and call him a :wally – that he could handle; that would be no big deal.
Lobsang crept toward the door, as the mob’s maledictions seemed to ebb. Perhaps they were leaving, to hunt down those responsible for the upgrade? :dubious: Perhaps it would be safe for him to emerge from his barricaded room, and seek shelter elsewhere?
Lobsang listened at the keyhole. Nothing… no curses, no pounding on the panels. Maybe this was his chance to escape! He gathered his courage and flung open the door, dashing out into
:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:
Their bloodlust satisfied, the skulkers strolled off in search of TubaDiva.
Oh, EddyTeddyFreddy, it is?
:::rubs hands together, grins:::
I have a few more deaths in store for you, my fine friend.
For example:
You always walk outside to pick up the newspaper each morning - but something made you pause before you opened the door on May 30, 2005.
But, there you went, despite your feline instincts. Walking down to the curb = easy. Picking up the paper = a breeze. Avoiding the incoming homecoming float careening out of control = impossible.
On the bright side, the float’s flowers looked just lovely lying on top of your casket.
:eek:
“I’ll get you for this, my pretty! You and your little cat too!” <evil cackling>
Sigh… what a shame. The bucketful of water missed the Wicked Witch, who’d been watching the umpteenth showing of The Wizard of Oz and knew when to duck.
The stream of fluid shot over her pointy-hatted head and landed full on Blonde, who sputtered and laughed.
And then froze in horror, as she began to melt and slump to the ground.
“Wait!” she cried. "I’m not the Wicked Witch! What’s wrong? Why is this happening to beautiful me… <fizzle> <steam tendril dissipates>
“Cut!” said the director of the Oz remake. “Didn’t I tell you guys to put the water in the black bucket, and the acid in the red one? Sheesh! Can’t anyone get things right around here? <sigh> But at least we got some good footage.”
Fine. Don’t kill me. See if I care. sticks nose in the air and walks into wall
… and hits the rusty nail she didn’t see, since her nose was in the air. Right through the eye and into the brain. Ouchie ouchie ouchie ouchie!!
Ponder Stibbons
Choked on red ribbons,
While opening his Christmas loot.
“I thought was licorice!”
“Oh, why did I do this?”
Well, his point was quite moot.
“I don’t mind dying, the trouble is you feel so bloody stiff the next day.” George Axlerod
Blonde, again? yawn 
So one day Bio-Genetics Corp. sets a lab next to your house, the building is pretty, the employees are friendly and your real state gets a value boost, until the genetically altered brain-eater squirrels scape from their cages; there goes the neighborhood! and Blonde too.
Alas! For the Doper named Ale!
He met with a fate oh, so bale-
Ful that none can believe
How this life he did leave:
Bungee-jumping, the anchor did fail.
:eek:
WHA!?
No way, I killed Governor Quinn like that several pages ago :mad:
Just for that, EddyTeddyFreddy chokes to death with a cat hairball.
The press issued the warning to cat owners to not lick their cats.
Ale explodes.
Well, that was… prosaic, wasn´t it? 
NoClueBoy (fresh meat, yeah!) was having dinner at an italian restaurant, minding his own business; a gorgeous woman is looking at him from another table, she smiles and raises her coup, NoClueBoy smiles back and concentrates on his cannelloni again. The woman sits up and walks towards him, takes the chair across the table and seats there.
Gorgeous Woman "This is a nice place, do you come here often?
NoClueBoy “No, first time” shoves some cannelloni into his mouth.
Gorgeous Woman “I love to see a man enjoying good italian food, specially when I cook it”
NoClueBoy munching “Huh, really, good for you”
Gorgeous Woman “You know, you could come home with me so we could talk more comfortabiliy”
NoClueBoy “Naw, I´m fine here, thanks”
Gorgeous Woman “Won´t you come home with me?, we´d spend a great time”
NoClueBoy “I´m a bit late, I have to get home early to do the laundry”
Gorgeous Woman loosing temper “What´s wrong with you?”
NoClueBoy “Me, what?, what are you talking about?; don´t you do laundry?”
Gorgeous Woman stands up and runs outside
NoClueBoy Shrugs shoulders and goes back to his cannelloni
10 minutes later a small group of men enter the restaurant, the gorgeous woman is beside one of them sobbing, points a finger at NoClueBoy
Gorgeous Woman “That one pappa, that´s the man that hurt me”
[Godfather voice]“Mario, Francesco, grease him”[GodFather voice]
Bang! Bang!
NoClueBoy implodes.
Poor Lobsang! He really shouldn’t have dropped in on the local church bazaar. At least, not when the nearsighted lady in charge of refreshments was about to brew an urn of tea.
[dimwitted biddy]
“What’s that? Someone’s brought me a large bag of Lapsang to brew? How nice!”
[/dimwitted biddy]
DUNK
AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!
ETF kept adopting poor, lil’ stray kitties because she had a big heart. She could not turn away any kitty needing a home because she loved them so much. Friends and family would bring her kitties daily because they knew she cared so very much for all the poor, helpless kitties of the world. It was her mission in life to save them all.
One day, ETF realized that she had now over a hundred kitties living with her in her two-story home. That was a BUNCH of kitties but she loved each and every one of her babies, had named each and every one a special name, and she spent every day playing, petting, feeding, reading, brushing, grooming, bathing, drying and scooping poo from kitty boxes for hours. She couldn’t go to work because her kitties needed her attention. Work took her away from her babies, darn it all, and she could NOT allow that to happen, by God!
ETF enjoyed her life at home and spending her time fully devoted to her kitties, and they enjoyed it, too. One morning a few months later, she got up to discover, much to her and her kitties dismay, that she had run out of kitty food. She looked in her fridge, finding nothing but beer and a small bowl of green moss that seemed to have grown rudimentary eyes blink. She slammed the door shut and tried to ponder what to do. The kitties were very interested in what their owner was up to for they were ALL one hundred of them starving! They sat in the entrance to the kitchen, meowing pitifully and loudly to get her attention but she was caught up in her ponderance of their plight.
Now, she had no money since she had stopped working a couple months back and even though she had planned and planned, her supply of kitty food had run out. The kitties watched her ponder, meowing and such, some of the kitties getting irritible and hissing at those who got to close. Several nasty fights broke out among the assembled kitties, the sounds of mad kitties striking up a terrible ruckus but still ETF pondered a solution to her problem. She was in a big mess and decided to have her family help her out with buying more food. YES! That was it! Her family could buy the food and bring it over, and somehow she’d pay them back later. YES! The problem would soon be solved.
By the time she had solved the food situation, all one hundred of her beloved kitties were royally PISSED OFF and starving to boot! They circled ETF like little hungry lions, tails twitching in frustration, growls and hisses growing louder and meaner. As she tried to step over the assembled kitties to reach the phone to call her family, all one hundred of her whiskered babies pounced upon her at once and knocked her to the ground! They tore at her flesh hungrily, raking their claws and hooking sharp teeth into her body to tear off bits of meat so hungry were they! Under four hundred paws she lay, whimpering because she was unable to call out for help, unable to shake off her crazed kitties because, dear reader, one hundred kitties are heavy if you happen to be under all of them at one time, and she was. ETF’s cries died out as they made a fine kitty lunch of her and after mere moments, her clean, white skeleton was all that the one hundred kitties had left of her.
No blood was found at the scene but the kitties looked very satisfied.
** EddyTeddyFreddy **:
The love of your life has promised to love you and only you forever and forever, a long lost relative has passed on and left you ten million dollars in tax free money, your boss has finally seen you for the hard working, honest person you are and makes you head of the company raising a golden plaque with your name on it for all to see…he has given you the rest of the day off, you are ecstatic, it’s a beautiful sunny day and your honey wants to go to the beach to celebrate… and just when you think life could not be better: A speeding car comes racing down the street, drags you five blocks and smashes you into a brick wall turning you into hamburger…and that, my friend, is how it will all end for you.
I’m sorry.
dabronx was disgruntled. Thoroughly disgruntled. Not even the teensiest bit gruntled. Indeed, one might say she was peeved. Perturbed. Pissed-off, even. :mad:
She’d seen the Barbie of her dreams on eBay, the one doll she needed to round out her collection. The bidding was steep, but she’d won in the end, posting the take-it bid in the last two seconds of the auction. Sure, it cost her two weeks’ salary, but it was worth it! Skank Video Barbie was a must-have!
Except… three weeks after she’d sent off her payment, she still didn’t have it. The seller’s reviews had all been fine, no problems. So where, oh, where could it be? :dubious:
dabronx emailed the seller, but the message bounced back as undeliverable. The phone number she’d been given was disconnected. What was going on? 
Finally, dabronx took a personal day to go to the seller’s actual physical location and demand her doll. She wanted her Skank Video Barbie, and she wanted it now! 
She found the house, which looked run-down and somehow creepy. When she knocked on the door, it swung open to… darkness. In the dim light seeping through the doorway, dabronx could just make out a red something crouched inside. The crimson shape lurched closer… closer… :eek:
“Yes?” said SanguineSpider. “What can I do for you?” “You can give me the Skank Video Barbie you sold me on eBay, that’s what!” cried dabronx. “Skank Video Barbie? Oh… oh, yeh. Yeh. Um, that was… er, that was sent off… um, two weeks ago. Yeh, that’s it! Must have been lost in the mail.” 
“LIAR!!!” screamed dabronx, who was cold, tired, hungry (she’d missed lunch for this?) and in no mood for lip from some double-dealing arachnid. “AM NOT!” shrieked SanguineSpider, who tried to slam the door on dabronx. But the outraged Barbie-buyer was too quick, and leaped for the sleazy seller’s throat. :mad:
AAAIIIEEEEEE!!! It was a terrible fight! (It’s said that footage of it was used in ROTK battle scenes.) Neither of the furious combatants would yield! Their thrashing brawl carried them throughout the house, smashing furniture and ripping drapes, until a sudden lurch by one carried both of them over the railing at the top of the stairs. Down, down they plunged, dragging the hall chandelier with them, and crashed at the foot of the stairs in a bloody – and very dead – heap. :eek:
Their bodies, entangled and blood-soaked, lay there as a large orange cat strolled out of the kitchen (where it had been raiding the refrigerator), hooked a Barbie-sized parcel from behind the couch (where it had batted it three weeks ago), and sauntered out the open door. 