Tired of being mounted by ETF, her horses decide to mount her.
With hilarious, and gruesome, results.
So it is printable in this forum!
Please let me die with the Tarzan guy (new WB show)…I’m watching it now. Oh, my, my.
I like your style! 
OH MY! :eek: SanguineSpider, if I may quote Ponder Stibbons, you are solely responsible for “My best death yet!”
You are the richly red arachnid queen of morbid and deathly verse! Thank you!
I think you could give that Edgar Allen Poe fellow a run for his money.
Meanwhile, Blonde is swinging from tree to tree chasing down her man, Tarzan when she loses sight of him. She’s so preoccupied on finding him that she slightly miscalculates the distance to the next vine just as she releases her hand-hold on the previous one. For a moment, Blonde is suspended in midair. Then, those pesky laws of physics take over and she plunges to the ground.
SPLASH!
She lands feet first in a cauldron of boiling water where the native cannibals were preparing Tarzan stew.
Sorry. I know that’s probably not the way you wanted to die with Tarzan.
Why thank you, peritrochoid!! You’re quite the inspiration. It just sorta clicked. I won’t be able to top it, though.
The deaths of SanguineSpider and [peritrochoid**: Nasty, brutish and short.
Nasty: Stuff that had been in the refrigerator WAAAAAY too long past its expiration date.
Brutish: The short-order cook who slapped it together into slumgullion.
Short: The period between ingestion and expiration. A sad end to a short date!
It is impossible to say how how the idea entered Peritrochoid’s brain, but, once conceived, it haunted him every day and night.
My neighbor’s stereo is too damn loud, he thought…and so he made his mind up to take the life of the old man, and thus rid himself of the nuisance forever. He scaled the balcony to the old man’s apartment - and found the door unlocked.
Ha! would a madman like Peritochoid have been so wise as this? he asked himself (when you’re insane, you tend to talk to yourself in the 1st person.)
Lowering himself down into the dark room, Peritrochoid saw the old man, who had been lying awake ever since the first slight noise.
The old man took out his shotgun, and blam!
Peritrochoid pondered as the the dark night overtook him:
His stereo will trouble me no more.
With sincere apologies to the master Edgar Allen Poe!
Um, delete one “how”.
I’ll predict my own death: starting a thread in the Pit that somehow ends up having the same posters as Reeder’s thread.
Noooo!!
Blonde finally got a call from HIM! The GOD of her dreams, the Adonis in the gym, the man of the hour! Oh JOY, she bubbled happily as she was drying her long, silky tresses with a nubby, cotton towel after her leisurely soak in the bath. Finally… she sighed dreamily. He was just so darned yummy!
The candles flickering softly in the corners of her bedroom caught her eye and she smiled to herself, wondering if he would notice all the effort she had put into making the evening perfect. The warmth of the bath lingered, just like the soft perfume she had dabbed behind her ears and in the hollow of her neck. Would HE like it?
Blonde set the towel aside and wandered over to her closet. So many choices, what would he like best? Tapping one perfectly manicured finger on her chin, she drew out a long, burgundy velvet dress. Yes… she nodded to herself. The velvet… she would make sure to wear a lipstick to match. He had commented on her lips just the other day, in fact. He would have to be blind not to notice her smallest efforts.
Blonde had barely slipped the dress over her head when she heard the phone ringing. Trying not to run to answer, she caught it on the second ring. Fool, she chided herself mentally while she greeted him on the phone in her trademark whiskey voice. He was calling to tell her he’d be early and she hoped that her eagerness wouldn’t announce itself over the phone to him and embarrass her. It was just fine, she preferred every moment she could spend with him. Him! Oh joy!
Hanging up the phone, Blonde hurried into the bathroom to finish applying her make-up, picking out the deep, rich burgundy from her kit and brushing it over her full, soft lips sensually. Dabbing lightly with a tissue, she smiled at her reflection. Any minute now, he would be ringing her doorbell! God, how she had wanted this from the moment they’d met!
Tilting her head, Blonde decided the damp look wouldn’t do and fished out a hairdryer to become the tousled haired vixen she wanted to be. For this night, for Him… her Adonis from the gym. Plugging in the cord, she received a little shock from the dryer zzzttt. Damn! She’d forgotten the cord was slightly frayed. Shoot, no time to have it fixed now. He was coming! She turned it on anyway and felt the warm air caress her cheek and neck as she worked a hand through her locks to style zzzzttt. Shit, another zap of the dryer, that one had hurt!
Frowning, Blonde muttered a curse and continued drying. HE was gonna knock any second now, he lived only a few blocks away, damn the stupid dryer anyway… she flipped her hair and turned the unit on high ZZZZZTTTT!. She yelped and saw a spark fly out, throwing the hairdryer down on the counter in fright. The sink hadn’t completely drained due to some of her hairs clogging it and as she threw the smoking dryer down, its cord slipped into the water. Not letting go fast enough, Blonde felt the worst shock of her life speed through her body as if she was being fried from within! ZZZZTTTT!!
Smoke, rising from the ends of her hair, her scalp sizzling softly, Blonde stood rigid, hairdryer finally free of her hand. The doorbell buzzed once as the candles in her bedroom flickered invitingly. The air, no longer sweetened with the fragrance of white lilies, held the faint scent of burning hair and cooked flesh as the door buzzed again. Amoment later, there came a knock but Blonde couldn’t hear. Blonde didn’t care… not anymore, and she wouldn’t ever again.
Eh, was that TOO gross?
So - I didn’t even get a glimpse of Tarzan? Drat! Eh, I think there’s no definition of “gross” in this thread, it’s pretty much open to whatever evil things enter our minds. I only say that because my very first death was merciful and involved an elephant and a servant. (But, he wasn’t Tarzan. We need to fit that.)
Okay, we get Tarzan into it.
Tarzan has fallen madly in love with Blonde. He swings in on a jungle vine, scoops her up in his powerful arms, and carries her off to his treetop hideaway.
Unfortunately, as he lands on the veranda of his arboreal abode, Tarzan is bitten by SanguineSpider. No, not a poisonous bite; but it festers quickly into sepsis and poor Tarzan keels over dead – right out of the tree and splat on the ground.
Blonde is left to starve in the treetop, unable to get down to the jungle floor. Just as she’s given up all hope, a chimpanzee appears and helps her scramble down to safety.
Well, it was safety till the herd of elephants ran over her.
Oh, by the way – Tarzan did manage to stomp the spider into mush for biting him before he succumbed to sepsis.
I wouldn’t want SanguineSpider to feel left out. 
Eddy liked firearms;
Didn’t know betta.
Killed when he goofed around
With a Beretta.
Teddy was psycho
Kind of like Oedipus.
But he dallied too long
In front of a city bus.
Now Freddy, the last,
Might have lasted much longer,
If only the python
Hadn’t been so much stronger.
When MonkeyMensch got into smuggling drugs, immigrants, and fake designer perfumes, he didn’t think it was going to be a dangerous profession.
Alas, he never saw the Mary Kay Commandos coming…
Ponder Stibbons decided to go to the Zoo this morning. Packing a healthy and somewhat tasty lunch, he hummed the theme of “Jeopardy” as he prepared his meal. There! He had himself a tasty treat! He skipped into the bedroom and dressed while singing “FunkyTown”. Buttoning his shirt and then his pants, making sure to tuck in his polka dotted, pink and purple boxer shorts, he stretched indulgently and sighed a deep sigh of supreme happiness. The ZOO! He giggled and skipped into the livingroom where he found his car keys and his packed lunch. he was almost ready to go! JOY!
Feeling his left buttock for a moment, he frowned. Wallet? Where was his wallet? He turned frantically, searching the room with his eyes. Ah, there! On the bookshelf… whew! Joy, joy joy! He bounced over to the front door, gathering up his lunch and his coat. Skipping outside, he locked the door with a loud click and made his merry way over to his polka dotted, pink and purple VW bug. Joy! The Zoo… he could almost smell the gorillas (his favorite exhibit EVER)!
He turned on the car and tuned his radio, humming the theme of “Cats” and smiled as the engine purred like one. He was on his way, oh joy! He zipped along in his VW bug, happy as the day was long, humming and singing with the radio. This was going to be so much fun, he told himself. He waved to the people who passed him, staring, as he drove and drove. Finally reaching his destination, Ponder Stibbons parked as close as he could to the zoo’s entrance and beamed! The ZOO! The ZOO!
He made sure to lock his precious car and skipped towards the zoo’s main gate. People stared at him as he passed but he was oblivious. He was HERE! He beamed at the ticket lady as she handed him his ticket and skipped inside. Joy joy joy! He skipped quickly over to his most favorite of favorite exhibits, almost knocking people out of the way in his complete and utter excitement. Gorillas! JOY! There they were, sitting in the happy sunshine! Oh, joy! Eating green leafy stalks and picking bugs off one another, walking around and then sitting again. JOY! He sighed dreamily and leaned on the outer fence. Gorillas… sigh
Ponder got very excited when one of the gorillas noticed him in particular from the rest of the crowd. JOY! The gorilla got up from its hanches and meandered over close to where Ponder stood, nearing wetting himself in his eagerness to be near his most favorite animal in all the world. Gorilla… oh yes… come closer, he thought.
The gorilla squatted a moment and then reached down to pick something off the ground. Ponder leaned closer, very curious and the gorilla launched the something at him with all it’s might! FLING!
Ponder was still smiling happily as the poo hit him full in the face! It covered up his nose and mouth, and he fell over stunned. Hitting the ground as the onlookers gasped in surprise, he hit his head and blacked out, unable to breathe due to the gorilla droppings that still covered his face. An ambulance was called but poor Ponder expired before it ever reached the zoo grounds. Alas, he died with the smell of gorilla poo still in his nostrils…
Let that be a lesson for the rest of us. Stay back from the poo-flinging gorillas lest ye too wish to die a poopy death!
Montresor had been verbally abused by Ponder Stibbonsfor as long as he could remember, and he egan to plot his revenge.
Niether by word or deed did Montresor give Ponder Stibbons reason to doubt his good will, and he smiled in his face.
But Ponder Stibbons had one a weak point, although in other regards he was a man to be respected and even feared. He prided himself on his connoisseurship in wine.
One evening during the carnival season, Montresor encountered his friend. He said to him: “My dear Ponder Stibbons, you are luckily met. How well you are looking today! But I have recieved a cask of what passes to be Amontillado, and I have my doubts.”
“How? Amontillado? A cask? During the carnival season? Impossible!” said Ponder Stibbons.
“I have my doubts,” replied Montresor. “And I was silly enough to pay the full Amontillado price without consulting you first. As you are engaged, I am on my way to SanguineSpider. She can tell me-”
“SanguineSpider cannot tell Amontillado from sherry. Come, let us go.”
“Whither?”
“To your vaults.”
Ponder Stibbons took Montresor’s arm, Montresor put on a mask of black silk, and they hurried to his palazzo.
Montresor had given the servants explicit orders not to stir from the house, as he knew that would be sufficient to ensure their immediate disappearance as soon as his back was turned.
They took two torches and passed down a long and winding staircase. The gait of Ponder Stibbons was unsteady. “The cask?” said he. “It is farther on,” said Montresor. “How long have you had that cough?” “It is nothing,” Ponder Stibbons said.
“Come,” said Montresor, “We will go back, your health is precious. You are rich, respected, admired, beloved; you are happy, as I once was. You are a man to be missed. For me it is no matter. We will go back. Besides, there is SanguineSpider…”
“Enough,” he said. “The cough is nothing, it will not kill me. I will not die of a cough.”
Montresor knocked off the neck of a bottle. “Drink,” he said. “A drought of this Medoc will defend us from the damps.”
They drank to Ponder Stibbon’s long life.
“These vaults,” Ponder Stibbonssaid, "are extensive.
“The Montresors were a great and numerous family.”
“I forget your arms.”
“A foot in a blue field crushing a serpent.”
“And the motto?”
“Nemo me impune lacessit.”
“Good!” he said.
Ponder Stibbons coughed again, and once again Montresor begged him to go back. He refused.
At the most remote end of the crypt there appeared another room less spacious. Its walls had been lined with human remains, in the style of the great catacombs of Paris. Three sides of the interior crypt had been ornamented in this manner. From the fourth the bones had been thrown down, and lay in a mound on the earth. Within the wall thus exposed, there was an interior recess, about three to four feet in depth and in height six or seven. It seemed to have been constructed for no special use, but merely formed the interval between two of the roof supports, and was backed by a wall of solid granite.
“Herein is the Amontillado,” said Montresor.
Ponder Stibbons stepped unsteadily forward, Montresor at his heels.
In an instant Ponder Stibbons had stepped in the extremity of the niche. A moment more and Montresor had fettered him to the granite. Ponder Stibbons was too astounded to resist the padlocks and chains.
“Once again I must implore you to return. No? Then I must leave you,” laughed Montresor. Throwing aside the mound of bones on the floor, he uncovered a quantity of building stone and mortar. Montresor had scarcely laid the first tier of the masonry when he noticed the intoxication of Ponder Stibbons had worn off. He laid the second tier, and the third and fourth,then heard a great rattling of the chains from Ponder Stibbons . Montresor took a break that he might hearken to it with more satisfaction. He then finished the fifth, the sixth, the seventh, the eighth, the ninth, and the tenth tiers.
It was now midnight, and there was but a single stone to be placed. Montresor struggled with its weight, but then…from the niche sounded a sad voice he had trouble recognizing as Ponder Stibbons.
“Ha ha! A very good joke indeed-an excellent jest. We will have many a rich laugh about it at the palazzo over our wine.”
“The Amontillado!” said Montresor.
“He he! Yes, the Amontillado. BUt is it not getting late? Will they not be awaiting us at the palazzo, the lady Ponder Stibbons and the rest? Let us be gone.”
“Yes,” said Montresor. “Let us be gone.”
“For the love of god, Montresor!”
“Yes. For the love of god.”
To which there was no reply.
“Ponder Stibbons!”
“Ponder Stibbons!”
No answer still. Montresor thurst his torch in through the opening, and sealed in the tomb with the final stone. Against the new masonry he re-erected the old rampart of bones. For hlaf a century no mortal had disturbed them. * In pace requiescat! *
[Aside]
A double do-in! I am honored. You all are coming up with these long intricate dooms and all I can come up with are these quickies. Alas!
[/Aside]
This next weekend it SanguineSpider and BellaDellaItalia will get it into their heads that a really great prank would be to dress up as deer and go out and fool the hunters. They’ll be right; it will be quite hilarious!
Le ouch… I love this thread!!
Me too! Hey, you know what…I think peritrochoid promised to predict my death…and never did…for that, I will not speak to him, wherever he is. until he kills me. Is that fair? I think so! SanguineSpider, did I already kill you or not? I can’t remember…