Preemptive Strike: I want this job!

Mundane Pointless Stuff I Must Share (MPSIMS)
#1

I’m applying for a position in a different part of the company for which I work. I would bet that many, many people have applied for this specific postion and I want to stand out from the field. My idea was to write a letter to the hiring manager. Body is below. Any feedback from you smart Dopers about content and grammar would be highly appreciated.

Dear Ms. X:

The purpose of this letter is to emphasize my interest in your open Communications Consultant position. When I read the job description and minimum qualifications, I got so excited! They both seem to suit my work style perfectly. It appears as though my positive outlook, direct communication style, excellent organizational skills, and love of public speaking would all be utilized very effectively in this position.

It is my hope that I am being considered for the vacancy and that I will hear from you in the near future about scheduling an interview.

Sincerely, Gazelle

#2

Looks good to me; it’s short, sweet, and gets your point across.

I’ve always thought cover letters should be succinct anyway…it’s not as if the employer has all this time to read through pages of blather, y’know?

#3

Thanks bittersweet; it’s an internal position so she already has my application and resume… Hopefully this letter will put me ahead of the competition.

:smiley:

#4

I would lose the “I got excited” and the exclamation mark. They read pretty informally, like a letter to a friend. Even if you know the interviewer, this is a formal letter.

I could see placing the “I got excited” before “when” in the same sentence if you really like it though.

Your letter does a good job of conveying your interest in the position. Could you add in a paragraph about how your specific skills would be an asset? I mean, beyond what you’ve already done, which is nice but a little general. Maybe give an example or two of something you’ve done, and how it would apply to the new job. Don’t let it get too long, but maybe fill out a sheet of letterhead a little bit more. Go ahead and expand on something that’s already in your resume.

Julie

#5

Sorry. Just kidding. I couldn’t resist. (Unfortunately, only one in ten will understand why I just wrote that.)

Here’s my real suggestion. I pretty much agree with bowert.

#6

I like the excited part. Screw all the formality we are all just people anyway.

So what if you get a little excited about work? THATS A GOOD THING!

#7

I liked it as is, don’t see a need to change it. The way I got my current job was through enthusasim…I let them know right away and without any doubt that I wanted the job bad, and if they gave it to me that I would work hard doing it.

#8

I love you guys.

Algernon: What?

#9

I have also had very good luck putting my cover letter and resume on paper of a different, soothing color. Last time I was job hunting I used a good-quality dove gray with light, light marbling. Stationary stores often sell quality paper by the sheet.

Heck, I’ve got a stack of resumes on my desk right now. Let’s see: white, white, bright white, white and pale blue.

It’s pretty incredible how much that blue stands out amongst all that sharp white. It’s more soothing on the eyes to read, too.

#10

Regarding “excited” vs “professional”. I was going to say something about this, but forgot.

I don’t think there is a universal right or wrong answer to this decision. It depends entirely upon the culture of the organization you’re in. Fortunately, since you are an employee, you have some sense about which approach would be more appropriate. If expressing your excitement does not seem out of place, then by all means, go for it. In a more conservative organization though, it might condemn your letter to the circular file.

I also neglected to say…

Good luck!!

#11

Actually, I’d put “I peed myself” after “I got so excited.”

No, not really.

Seriously, something halfway between the informal excitement of your original and the serious formality of the smart mouse’s revision feels about right to me. Depending on the company’s culture, as sez the mouse above, which you know better than any of us.

#12

Another vote for keeping the excitement – I think it’s refreshing. I would lose the “seem” and the “it appears that” – no no! Your skills would be a great fit, and you know this absolutely. Don’t be wishy-washy when selling yourself. (So to speak.)

ALGERNON’s version is perfectly correct, but I think a little stiff.

#13

I’d do a bit of rewriting:

I haven’t worked in HR or anything, though; my only qualification to critique the letter is that I’ve currently got a job. Well, I also used to teach composition, and I’ve worked a a copy editor.

#14

Oops, posted before finished. I’d also take “minimum” out of “minimum qualifications.” It sounds like “Hey, I could squeak by in this job!” I’d leave it as “When I read the job description and qualifications…”

Oh, and as long as I’m double-posting, that should read, “I’ve worked as a copy editor.” What a thoroughly embarrassing place for a typo.

#15

I sent the original letter; thank you all for your feedback.

The same position has come open in a different part of the company… The same title but a different job description and minimum qualifications. They’re requiring a four-year degree, I don’t have one, but I WANT IT! Can I get some feedback on my revised letter?

#16

Hmm… Updated paragraph three in order to keep the information in the same order as they are in paragraph two.

Hmm… Too wordy?

#17

BTW, haven’t heard anything yet on the first job. But I’m optimistic.

#18

Here’s a cheesy line that has helped me get a couple of jobs:

#19

Duly stolen, jjimm. Many thanks.

#20

I hope it’s not too late to chime in…

How about a first line of:

That is, drop the “I am writing to…,” for of course you are writing. (I forget which style manual I saw that in.)

I concur with “excited” along with a professional context. Showing strong enthusiasm is always a good thing.

Best of luck, Gazelle!