I really shouldn’t…but I will.
Here’s the background. I’m hiring a sales rep for our books and software division. I place the ad a few weeks ago and resumes are trickling in. I get one yesterday.
Check out this cover letter…
It came in via email so the formatting is the same as seen here.
Jesus, am I wrong here, or has she gone insane?
And the bad thing is that she has some pretty good experience in what I want. I’m bringing her in for an interview next Tuesday. Wish me luck.
Well, she sounds educatedly enthusiastic. 
And she’s obviously got a place in the shortlist, in getting an interview. But I don’t go as over the top with my cover letters.
Except for “proove”, I liked it. A bit too much maybe, but it does show she’s eager and fairly intelligent.
Yeah, but someone tell me what “proove myself in a new verticle” means?
When I called her for the interview she called me ‘sir’ about 20 times in 5 minutes. And she used the word ‘reiterate’ twice.
My staff wants me to bring her in just to see if she really talks that way.
Someone once told me that I used the word ‘reiterate’ too much. I started saying ‘iterate again’ or ‘another iteration’. I think I’m about due for a slap …
Well, heck! Want a sales gig?
I’d be wary of hiring her if the job is detail-oriented or requires a lot of writing. I count 4 typos plus grammar and punctuation problems. She definitely seems intelligent and eager, though I’d want to get down to brass tacks with her. I mean, it’s great to bring high-flying ideas about improving oneself and doing well at one’s job, but what abilities does she have to actually do the job?
Well, I used that phrase once, but I was auditioning for an adult film.
Gosh darn it, Jonathan Chance, I can write cover letters that describe my qualifications for the position sought without inserting a lot of meaningless, ungrammatical, and misspelled flowery phrases, yet all I get are form replies saying, “Thanks for the resume, get lost.”
Who do I have to blow to get a job interview in the metro DC area?
On the other hand, I can’t code a post properly for beans.
Apparently, Jonathan. 
See what happens when you skip my party, goboy? Bad bad things!
The thing is she DOES have experience. I’m kind of hoping that she’s trying WAY too hard to impress with that letter. And that, as with so many people, she doesn’t pay as much attention to spelling and grammar in emails.
It’s a sales gig and she’s done the work. But I think I better look at this one carefully.
“verticle”?
I had planned to go, but my company forced me to spend that weekend working on an emergency proposal, the same motherfuckers who made me miss a giant Christmas party to work on another emergency proposal, and then laid me off because the project managers lost a major project, so there wasn’t enough work to keep me on. [sub]Bastards![/sub]
Me, bitter? Nah…
Perhaps this person is not English-speaking by nativity.
Sounds like she’s fresh off a stint writing content-free, buzzword-compliant “About the company” pages for consulting firm web sites. Though she did eschew “empower”, “client-focused”, “synergy”, “leverage”, and “solution-driven”, to cite only a few chestnuts of the genre.
Those are the mistakes I found (I don’t know for sure that her use of “comprised” was wrong, so I didn’t number it). And notice that not once does she mention tangible job qualities or interests she has. She could just as easily use this paragraph for an interview to be a White House intern as she could an application fo Fresh Fields.
1: Success, though not always, can be measured in terms of being able to spell the words we use.
2: Simply? Uh, no.
3: Education is not the mark of using lots of big words but of communicating well to any audience using common words.
4: A person intent on knowing more will be delighted to hear that she does not use quotation marks appropriately; they belong, in American format, after the period rather than before.
5: Cut the bullshit.
6: Cut the bullshit. Also, you fail to mention this place wherein you’ll be learning about the “dynamics of life.” DO you watch a lot of Discovery Channel?
7: However open your mindset, you must close it to misspelled words such as “open-mindset,” else you risk looking like a fool.
Too late.
8: Should I really go into detail here about trying to interpret someone’s words, especially if that person is to be taken literally?
9: “I attempt” is not a good phrase to use here. Further, don’t use a semicolon there.
10: I’d guess proper spelling isn’t one of the achievements you’re seeking.
11: Don’t use passive voice there; it’d be better without.
12: Some people are so great they can prove without using two Os!
13: An industry you never actually name. This letter is not job specific. It could be used for anything, and as such bites hard.
Oh, and on another look-through I catch these other gems:
Question mark needed after the bit about corporate culture, persons, etc.
AN open-mindset, not A open-mindset.
“qualities in” is not a valid use of either word.
That verticle bit. Maybe venue?
Jonathan, might I suggest speaking computerese to her for part of the interview and see if she plays along? Might be interesting:)
Sounds like the poor dear has a truely warped perception of reality, too much time on her hands, and a Thesaurus fetish. Nice opening quote, but I’d be more impressed with someone who didn’t use one as a crutch. I’d have to give her extra points for enthusiasm, but I honestly think if you’re going to “sell yourself” to a prospective employer, a no-frills, direct approach to it is the best route. I hate dealing with know-it-all college grads and she sounds as if she’s just the sort I’d avoid if at all possible. If it were my decision, I’d look for the individual who really understands what it means to be a team player - not some bonehead who has memorized all the correct (and/or obscure) buzzwords. Good luck…
Yeah. Exactly, iampunha, but she may not agree with you on this point. In any case, how long would it take us to decipher her opinion?
God knows I’m a corporate warrior. I’ve said as much here often enough.
But those ain’t even current corp-speak buzzwords. The rest of the resume isn’t bad (I’m not posting it here, at least not until I decide I don’t want her. It’s too tight in the job market to take that gamble.). I admit, I’m tempted.
She does strike me as having a really bad dose of wrong example (whether at school or job) in her past. I’ve always taken the “I don’t need your job, why should I work for you?” approach in job interviews. I find that let’s me be more open and propsective employers know exactly what they’re getting. Here’s hoping that in her young life (she’s mid-twenties, no offense) she’s attained at least that much wisdom.
If you don’t want her, you can always give her a copy of this thread. That’ll educate her wit’ a quickness.
(And the advice here is really good, too. If she just learns that she has to tell you why you should hire her, not what she gets out of being hired, that’ll help a lot.)