I’m guessing some of you smart and practical people have done this. (There’s a 2006 thread on the subject but it was quite short.) What have you set up?
I put “after-death arrangements” in quotes, because those might be a funeral, or a cremation with no funeral, or a blowout at a local bar… or just nothing.
I don’t have any kids, siblings, or any other family. Just my late husband’s son. We’re quite close, but I’m not his mom and I didn’t raise him. I don’t want to burden him with any expense or even with making arrangements using my money. It’s bad enough that even dealing with my demise will fall on him, but there really isn’t anyone else. (If he predeceases me… I don’t know what. I’ll make the management here at The Home aware of the arrangements I’ve set up and I guess they’ve faced this situation before in their 50+ year history.)
I’ve heard of the Neptune Society. Has anyone made arrangements with them? Ballpark cost? I’ve browsed their website, but it would be helpful to hear from actual customers.
When my mother was in assisted living and in her final months, I went to a local funeral home and prepaid for cremation. I don’t remember what it cost, but I’m thinking ~$3,000. (Cost is not a primary consideration. OTOH I do need the $$ to live on until I don’t.) I’m thinking I could set it up for myself like I did for her, and just give my stepson the paperwork so he’ll have it when the time comes.
I just want to make it as easy as possible for him. I’m going to tell him that I don’t want a funeral and even though I’m eligible to be buried with his dad at the military cemetery, I absolutely do not care whether he follows up on that. I don’t have any interest at all in what happens to my remains after I die. As far as I’m concerned, he can abandon my ashes at the funeral home and never pick them up. (I’m assuming people do that…)
As for my possessions, let’s don’t go there for the purposes of this thread. That’s a whole 'nother discussion.
Mine is a similar situation to yours. I have one daughter, and she will shoulder the responsibility of dealing with things after I die. We’ve talked about it quite a bit, so she knows my wishes. I plan to pre-pay for my cremation, just like my parents did. My parents used Neptune Society, which made it fairly easy for me to simply pick up their ashes so I could then scatter them. I checked a little while back, and I think the cremation cost was between $1,000 and $2,000, but that was a number of years ago, and I’m sure it’s gone up since then. Speak to your step-son about it to see if he is willing and able to handle things when you’re gone. So people would refuse to have anything to do with it, and you need to know that now. You get credit for taking care of it and paying for it before you need it.
You can name a lawyer as your executor and not burden your stepson. I’m not sure what happens when cremains are left at the funeral home, but I’ve wondered that of late. We’ve arranged for the cremation of my husband’s youngest brother and if I’m widowed, I don’t want to be burdened with his ashes. I suppose I can scatter them in a state/federal park like we did with MIL and FIL.
My husband and I have opted to donate our carcasses to the state anatomy board for whatever they do - I’m guessing med schools. When they’re done doing whatever they do, the cremains will be returned to our daughter, tho I suppose we could have the board deal with the ashes themselves. In any event, there’s no prepaying involved.
I’ll probably just go through the system and let the local chevra kadisha (burial society) bury me. It’s fast and mostly free, after all, and I want to be cleaned, wrapped in shrouds and buried properly, with a good slab and headstone over my bones.
Maybe I’ll write down some suggestions for headstone design, although I trust my wife or son to commission something appropriate.
I also wanted to wrap things up as much as possible before my demise & researched several options, including Neptune Society. They were the most expensive for my very simple “disposal” requirements (no casket, simple cremation). I ended up buying an insurance policy (which is how you pay for death related expenses in advance apparently) with a local funeral home. I think it was about $1700 and the Neptune quote was around $3000. Neptune still sends me ads in the mail.
I’m not a customer but reading Wikipedia, they’re not a non-profit, but instead are owned by Service Corporation International, which owns hundreds of funeral homes and listed on the New York Stock Exchange.
I hadn’t heard of them but am very disappointed that they offer cremation services. I’m not sure of the source of their name but given that it corresponds with the Roman god of the sea shouldn’t they offer burial at sea instead of cremations?
Whatever arrangement everyone makes, please make sure to discuss them with the living, so they know what you want to have happen. My father did me a lot of favors in terms of arrangements of his finances before he died, but he did not discuss other things because those topics are sort-of taboo - like, ya know, what he wanted to have happen to him. Important stuff like that - it was left to me to decide at a moment I really did not need. I beg you - please do not leave any surprises for the living, whatever you decide.
As for pre-payment of things, he did not do any of that, but he did grant me access to his checking account to write checks, which I used to pay off his last bills, and for his cremation. I suppose he could have prepaid it, but I don’t recall the cost being a significant issue, even with his modest savings. If he had wanted a funeral and all that (which is a scam, IMHO), then the costs would have been more of an issue and pre-payment would have been prudent.
All my parents and in-law parents did this (in Nebraska) with the state anatomical board. They were given the choice of reviving the ashes back or having them buried by the receiving medical institutions after the donations were finished in use. There was always a memorial service yearly and a joint monument placed where the ashes were buried, all done very gratefully and respectfully. All four parents elected to be cremated and the cremains buried with all the other donors, so all the survivors needed to do was decide whether or not to attend the very well done memorial service held yearly.
You can no doubt contact your anatomical board and ask if that is an option, to not receive individual ashes back. You may have to re-sign the donor forms.
I intend to do the same for myself, to make it as easy as possible for my kids and grandkids. No service, gathering, obituary, no outrageous expense.
For me, as an atheist: once I’m dead there is no ‘me’: I’m gone.
But of course I wouldn’t want to leave a mess for my surviving family to clean up. Or require expensive arrangements. My wife knows this, but it’s a point: I don’t think I’ve actually put it in writing anywhere…
I made all of my burial arrangements last year. I was able to fill out paperwork stipulating that my life insurance policy will pay for the burial expenses. I believe it was called Confirmation of Collateral Assignment.
It was a little more complicated than I anticipated but it went smoothly between the funeral home and the insurance agency.
I have an attorney and 2 cousins who are aware of these arrangements.
I purchased a green marble urn for internment at the grave where I already have my tombstone carved out except for my date of death.
Purchasing the marble urn eliminated the need for buying a vault.
The cemetery advised that it was a bit cheaper to be buried on a weekday as opposed to a weekend and I have informed my cousins of this fact.
Exactly! My mom was aghast the my inlaws didn’t have any sort of service and we just sprinkled their ashes in the Great Smokies National Park, per their wishes. Our family has always had viewings and funeral masses and receptions afterwards. I have no idea what it all cost, but was given the impression that it was crass to talk about money when it came to funerals. I’d prefer that whatever money I may have left when I die will be used for something other than an overpriced funeral.
To my understanding the ‘no matter what you sign’ is the dicey part. At least in CA whoever is ultimately tasked with disposing of your remains is legally bound to follow your written instructions provided A.) it’s practical (you probably can’t compel someone to dispose of you in a volcano, the devil would be in the details) and B.) you provide sufficient funds to pay for it. You can’t compel someone to pay for your funeral out of their own pocket, though certainly lots of people do. Funds can be covered by either paying in advance or your estate just having enough money in it.
What you can’t do is require anyone to follow any verbal request or alter your already signed written request verbally. So if you had directed in your will that you were to be cremated, but on your deathbed tell whoever you want to be buried under the old oak tree in the backyard instead, legally they cannot follow through on your dying request. Similarly if you never left some written instruction but instead died intestate, even if 70 people witnessed you telling your kids you want to be buried under the old oak tree they can 100% legally ignore that request.
Man are things different here. Funerals are a big business here and the role of the chevra kadisha is just body prep and prayer until the funeral. A plot and internment are CAD$5000, caskets are used at every funeral I have attended and the funeral homes charge thousands on top of the casket cost.
After my in-laws divorce, my mother-in-law went to make arrangements and was very unhappy with how she was treated at one of the big Jewish cemeteries. She ended pre-paying everything with a secular funeral home, including cremation. The package sits in my safe until it is eventually needed, hopefully not for many years.
Nope, didn’t make or pay for any arrangements. My husband and kids know my wishes which are basically anything they want to do as long as they don’t spend a fortune on a casket. Funerals are for the living , so if they want to have a funeral and bury me, that’s fine. Also fine if they cremate me and put my ashes in a cardboard box.
I have a will and my stepson is the executor, but I don’t expect probate to be necessary, given the type of minimal assets I have. I definitely don’t have an “estate” large enough to justify a lawyer or law firm to handle my stuff.
After reading y’all’s comments, I think I’ll go to the funeral home that handled my husband and my mother and see what they have to offer.
My mother was very careful with her finances and also very conscious about bequeathing the inheritance to my older brother and myself while allocating an appropriate amount for funeral costs that she wanted to be minimal, all of which was carried out in accordance with her wishes.
Sadly, I’ve been far less organized and am only now in the process of preparing a basic will and POA. I’m not sure I see any value in pre-allocating funeral expenses in my particular situation as there is only one beneficiary so there’s essentially just one pot of money (and it isn’t taxable in this country).* I’ll just stipulate that I want funeral expenses to be absolutely minimal. They can cremate me and throw the ashes in the garbage for all I care.
* Actually, now that I think of it, there is actually some value in doing that if much of the estate is tied up, for instance in real estate, and there’s not a lot of liquid cash. Then there may well be value in establishing “after-death” arrangements in the form of a cash fund to avoid a drain on a beneficiary or executor.