Background: My son is high-functioning autistic. He’s very smart, and very autistic. He attends a regular middle school, and “mainstreams” with all the other students for all but one class. The additional class is called “Social Learning” and it is for the autistic kids in the district.
Several weeks ago, my son became suicidal (he’s 12). He already had a psychiatrist and a psychologist, and it was all hands on deck. It was rough for a while. A common thread for him was that he was a failure, and always would be a failure; that he would not pass high school and would never go to college. He is no longer suicidal, but he still believes these things about himself.
Problem: During his counseling session today, we realized that his Social Learning teacher has spent this entire school year making it a point to tell the kids how hard real life is, how hard they will have to work to ever have a chance to succeed, and how difficult it will be for them to have meaningful careers. She even had someone come in from the Juvenile Justice Department to talk to them about what would happen to them if they broke the law. I was aware of some of this, but did not put it together until today what a constant drumbeat it was and how negative it was.
Question: How do I most constructively get this to stop? I know and like this teacher. I believe whole-heartedly that she has the best intentions, but this can’t continue. These kids are in middle school. In talking to my son’s psychiatrist today, she indicated that it wasn’t until 9th or 10th grade that the type of abstract thinking capability to fully deal with this sort of thing would develop. Class time now would more productively be spent on things like social etiquette and building emotional awareness. Should I talk to to the teacher? Talk to the principal? Talk to her and the principal at the same time? I am comfortable talking to her, but I want to make sure that the school is aware of this issue as well.
Any suggestions from anyone on how to handle this would be welcome.
tl;dr My son’s special ed teacher spends a lot of time telling the kids that life is really hard and they won’t succeed in the real world. How do I get this to stop?
Wow, that’s terrible. Is the school aware of your son’s mental health situation? I would think that you could have him removed from the class at a minimum. But I would probably want to tell the principal what is going on.
If he has a guidance counselor, I’d start there. Set up a meeting* either with just them or with them and the teacher. If you happen to know any of the other parents of kids in that class, you might want to pick their brain a little and see this is one of those cases where it’s just your kid having an issue or if other kids have been having issues with this teacher as well. Don’t get me wrong, if no one else has had an issue, that’s fine, but at least for me, I have a little more confidence going into these situations when I know I’m not the only one feeling this way.
Like I said, I’d start with the guidance counselor. I’d skip right past the teacher, they’ve had 6 months to get a read on your kid and haven’t. Also, I think someone of authority needs to tell this teacher that they can’t go around tell any students that how difficult life is going to be, even more so for an LD teacher to be saying this to LD kids. The scared straight thing, on top of everything else, seems way over the top to me.
*Whatever meeting you do set up, I’d ask if ‘we could meet today’, of some other ‘very soon’ time. There’s only like 7 or 8 weeks of school left. If your kid can spend his days with someone better, that’ll be a big help, especially so he doesn’t spend the rest of summer thinking about all this.
PS, I don’t know anything about your school, so meet with his counselor or the principal or VP or whoever would be next above the teacher. If you can’t make any headway, someone on ‘the board’ or with the district (ie Superintendent) would be next.
If nothing happens, I’d look into pulling him from the class. I’m sure they’d let him spent the rest of the year in a regular class or study hall instead of with this teacher.
Sounds like she had good intentions but subjects like that (difficulty of the real world) probably really need to be treaded lightly, with a balance of positivity, and the reaction of how the kids take the info more closely monitored. Maybe she’s unaware of the effect this is having on the kids and needs an eye opener. If she’s defensive about it that’s the point I’d take it to someone over her.
I’d suggest talking directly to the teacher 1-on-1 first in person. Since you say you already know and like the teacher, that makes this a good step first. (If it weren’t that way then you wouldn’t want to go to her directly.) Explain to her that making sure kids have a realistic understanding of how tough life is is good, but in her case it’s excessive and for someone like your son, it’s really excessive. Does she know and understand how autistic people think?
ENugent Yes, the school is aware of his mental health situation. They’re watching his computer searches, among other things, since he was researching ways to kill himself at one point.
Ambivalid definitely. Maybe even extend that and include the psychiatrist in a meeting? It’s a good thought.
JoeyP you’re right. It needs to be fast. I know both the principal and the vice principal and could probably grab either one of them. I do know some of the other parents. I’ll reach out today and see what they’ve noticed.
Hampshire yes, I agree. Hitting the kids with negative messages about the future is not a good approach.
Velocity she doesn’t have specific training with autistic kids unfortunately. It’s an interest of hers, so the district moved her into the role last year.
I can understand why you’re upset, and I agree: this needs to be addressed ASAP.
I taught high school for over 25 years and raised two kids of my own, so FWIW, here’s my perspective: Start by sharing your concerns with the teacher about how her comments have affected your son and include his psychiatrist’s observations. I recommend doing this by email because you want a paper trail. I’d tell her in the same email that since this is so critical to your son’s emotional health, you’re going to request a meeting with her, the Special Ed teacher who handles his IEP, and (if possible) his psychiatrist. If the psychiatrist can’t be there, have him or her right a letter and bring hard copies to the meeting. If his guidance counselor has worked with him, he or she should be there, too, but this is primarily a special ed issue since that’s the class that’s causing problems. CC all those people.
Don’t wait to hear back about a meeting. Contact the Special Ed teacher who has his case file, and request the meeting through her. She may want to invite others (an administrator, SpEd dept. chair, etc.).
And don’t worry about offending this teacher, whom you say you like. She’s there to do what’s best for your son. You seem caring and diplomatic. I’m sure you’ll come off that way in addressing this, but as you already know, your priority is your son.
Hope this helps. I’ll be cheering on you and your son from here.
Jeez, that is horrible. My kid, though not autistic, would have found that talk very upsetting. Some kids are more sensitive about recriminations and negativity. On a daily basis it’s akin to torture. Talk to the teacher, but pull him from the class. Fix what you can with her or her superiors after your son is safely out of her hands. Will he have a different teacher next year in that class?
nelliebly This teacher IS the special ed teacher who manages his IEP. sigh I’m still waiting for a meeting that I requested in mid-March. Talk, followed up with email might work.
Beck She’s the only Special Ed teacher at this school. This is where the district sends all of the high functioning autistic kids. This means that he will have her again next year unless we find another school somehow. I don’t know how. Maybe a district swap with the next town over?
Yes, all of this. This is excellent advice and it also ensures that everyone that needs to be is in the loop instead of facts and details getting mixed up, turned around and distorted. I’m not saying that would happen, but we all know what can happen when someone doesn’t hear a first hand account of a situation. Many hugs to you and please keep us posted. I wish all the best for your son.
From what I understand about high functioning autistics, they don’t seem to have much of a forgettery. Anything that goes into their heads just stays there and gets piled onto other similar items, and any conflict causes disruption that needs to be reconciled before they can get it all to be quiet and cool in there. Neurotypical kids, on the other hand, are so “in one ear and out the other” that endless repetition has been inculcated in teachers as the only way of having any chance of making an impression on them, let alone modifying their thinking or behavior. Which is just what you DON’T want to do to an autistic kid–you overwhelm them with negative messages and they don’t have much in the way of coping mechanisms to put that into perspective. I’m thinking the Special Ed teacher is trying to teach in the usual manner for neurotypical kids and is inadvertently causing conflict and stress in the autistic kids–which I’m sure is the furthest thing from her intention but that needs to be addressed PDQ.
I’d be all up in the “meeting, NOW” mode until something shakes loose because a suicidal middle school kid is a goddamned emergency that needs to be seen to. I’m not sure how to push this urgency, but I’d probably be inclined to go waylay the teacher after class to make it clear just how necessary it is that she make time to speak with you.
What about asking her supervisor to be in attendance? I don’t think that would be out of line or over the top. You are the parent and have every right to ensure the physical, mental, and emotional security of your son while he is under the care of your school district. It’s obvious the special ed teacher, even though she is most likely oblivious to it, is causing him mental and emotional anguish. Good luck! FYI, by supervisor, I don’t mean just the principal, I mean the special ed supervisor for the district.
I agree with Velocity: If you think that this teacher means well, then start by talking about it with her. A multiple-person meeting as a first step, or starting by going straight over her head, is going to come across as confrontational, and that’s not going to lead to good results for anyone. If you can convince her that there’s a problem in the one-on-one talks, and then suggest bringing in other people to look for a way to solve the problem, that’s going to be much more productive.
As for what that solution might be, I don’t know. I have a lot more experience in dealing with autistic kids than it might look like from my resume, and I can usually handle day-to-day issues, but this is beyond anything I know. But there are experts out there who would know more, and you want to get the teacher wanting to hear from those experts.
Kudos to you **SD **for taking a moment to think about how to best handle this and then approaching it calmly and rationally. Teachers can use more parents like you!!
Before you talk to anyone, you need a clear picture of what you want. The negative talk to completely stop? For negative words and phrases not to be directed at your son? A particular set of words and phrases to stop? A different teacher? It’s a lot to ask her to overhaul her whole teaching style–but it it’s a matter of life or death, then you want to make sure she understands that that is what you are asking for. Seeing as she’s new to this sort of classroom, she may be very open to the idea that the approach that is appropriate for some other population is exactly wrong here.
Parent of a spectrum child that is not as functioning but mainstreams part time in 7th grade. Sorry this has happened to your son.
I’m thinking this thru as I compose this. Neillebie had a great reply.
One of my rules of thumb in life is to at least attempt to reach out directly FIRST. It’s a one strike rule.
I think I would
paper trail.
email this teacher and insist you need to meet ASAP this week. Tolerate zero delay. Be upfront that you have concerns to discuss and the psychiatrists documentation. Ask the teacher if she would like to invite anyone else (counselor, principle) or meet 1:1 first? And if she can’t make time, you’ll be contacting the principal directly.
During the meeting, ask to understand what her intent was. Break it too her that your son, and autistic kids in general, don’t need a lesson in the school of hard knocks, and in fact that is very counter productive. Can understand what the teacher was trying to accomplish, but this has veered way off the rails.
Now hopefully teacher recognizes this is a problem and then proactive about how to resolve this. Even better if you agree these are the follow up actions. Either you or the teacher need to write these up (personally, even though its a pain in the butt, I like to write up meetings and the action items to get what I want), agree who else in the school needs to be copied, and send it out. If you send, the teacher needs to come on top of it agreeing with the content. If the teacher sends, you need to come on top of it agreeing or adding in input.
If you have the time, sit in on the class in question. As a parent with an IEP child, you should be able to go in an audit a class anytime. (Not 100% sure if this is a federal guideline or just the practice in my district)
At your meeting, agree for a follow up meeting within 1-2 days that includes a senior administrator. Again, the approach is to fix the problem, avoid making the teacher defensive, and fingers crossed get a good outcome.
If the teacher will not make time to meet you THIS week, go nuclear. Email the Principal and maybe the district so there is a paper trail and it triggers the proper protocols that this be taken very seriously immediately.
At least at my daughter’s school, and our district, they would take this very seriously. It’s a small school, so I can just show up and meet the Principal, Vice Principal or counselor pretty much any time. Last year I emailed the spec ed teacher directly about some 6th grade boys inappropriately staring at her chest and making comments in the lunch room as reported by big sister’s classmate. I didn’t copy the Principal. That said, I got a reply from the teacher and the principal within the hour, and a meeting was offered the next school day.
Best of luck and do report back on progress please
I hope you can sort it out very soon.