I was on my lunch break expecting nothing out of the ordinary to occur as I went to wash my car.
I got in line behind a large white econoline van. As the van rolled into the bay, I astutely noticed that the height limit bar, that hung from a chain was rolling across the top of the van. As the van entered the bar fell down showing that the van was about 4 inches too large.
I’ve had great experience being four inches too large, and harkening back to my days as a Gigolo in Monte Carlo I could project what the consequences were going to be for the van and the automated car wash.
Sure enough the car wash starts and starts colliding with the top of the van in it’s effort to squeeze it’s 6’ “10 orifice around a 7’ 2” van. It would collide with a grinding sound, retreat and try again.
At this point my past experience useless as no amount of lube was going to help that van.
Thinking quickly after while apprising the situation I continued to watch the mechanized carnage with some humor.
Then, as the apparatus retreated for another fruitless attempt at penetration, I saw the door open to the van. A lady tried to get out, and then quickly retreated as she was sprayed by suds, and the car wash again collided with the top of the van.
This time I had to act.
Moving with the speed that you would pretty much expect from a bemused spectator, I walked up to the back of van and rapped on it sharply several times.
Shortly the door opened, and I offered to help the slightly unstrung lady, who gratefully accepted. I noted that she was rather attractive, if somewhat distressed.
I manuevered into the driver’s seat, put the van in reverse while the machinery retreated for another attempt, and backed it up about 6 inches.
This had the desired effect of turning the car wash off. The light on the car wash changed from “stop,” to “please proceed forward.”
Fortunately, I wasn’t fooled by this invitation.
I warned the lady not to trust the sign, exited the van, and she backed out.
She never said thank you, but just drove away into the distance, her van covered with suds, and not a few bumbs and scrapes.
I never saw her again.
Nor, did I hold it against her. As I said, she was somewhat unstrung.
Besides. I was next in line. I got a free six dollar superwash with wax, underbody, tire shine and blow dry off of her tab.
No need to shower me with adulation, friends. I am nothing if not modest about my heroism.
And that’s how it happened this day.