“Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.”
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
Here are some that I added:
If you are experiencing delirium tremens, allow the pink elephant to press the button.
If you are sociopathic, hit an innocent bystander with the telephone.
If you have Thripshaw’s disease, press defenestration.
If you are a megalomaniac, have one of your countless royal servants complete the call for you.
If you are a kleptomaniac, put the phone back this instant!
If you are suffering from Tourette’s syndrome, press F,U,C, and K.
If you have an inferiority complex, you probably wouldn’t push the right button, anyway.
If you have penis envy, press 0 with your pinky.
I tried to do one for an Oedipus complex, but I couldn’t thnk of anything that worked.
Modest? You bet I’m modest! I am the queen of modesty!
The psychiatrist polished his glasses and said to his patient, “It will help me understand your problems better if I may set up some free associations. Please answer the following questions with the first thought that comes into your mind. First, what is it that a man does standing up, a woman does sitting down, and a dog on three legs?”
“Shakes hands,” the patient replied.
“And what is it that a dog does in the back yard that produces something you would not care to step into unexpectedly?”
“Digs a hole,” the patient replied.
“And what part of you emerges stiffly out of an opening in your pajamas when you wake up in the morning?”
“My head, of course.”
“Well,” said the psychiatrist, “your responses are perfectly normal, but you wouldn’t believe some of the wierd answers I get.”
– Sylence
And now, for my next trick, I will talk in spooky half-references.
A couple of inkblot test-related pranks I saw on alt.shenanigans:
Whatever the psychiatrist shows you, just say it looks like an inkblot. No matter how hard he tries to get you to fantasize, insist that that’s all you see.
When the psychiatrist asks you what the inkblot looks like to you, answer “sex”. Repeat for everything he shows you. When he says “You are over-sexed” or something to that effect, reply: “Me? You’re the one with all the dirty pictures!”
A couple of years ago Ayesha and I used the lines in the opening post as the message on our answering machine.
After about 6 months or so we got tired of all the calls from people wanting to hear the message.
We were getting calls from total strangers.
Being day sleepers all the calls got to be a pain.
