Man: “Doctor I am feeling depressed, life seems unbearable, I can not find pleasure in anything any more, I am afraid I will do something drastic”
Doctor: “usually I would prescribe you Anti-depressants, but you are in luck, the Russian State Circus is in town, and they have Povlov the Great, the funiest man alive! If you see him you can not but feel reborn and happy again…Trust me”
Man(starts crying): “but Doctor, I am the Povlov the Great!”
After a life of nothing but disappointments, I was sure the worse was yet to come!
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
I don’t know that it’s funny to make jokes about mental health. I had to admit my brother because he thought he was a banana. Before they could cure him he rotted.
I’ve always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I’d eat my M&M’s one by one with a glass of water.
Psychiatrist to his nurse:
Just say we’re very busy. Don’t keep saying it’s a madhouse.
At a party:
‘Are you a psychologist?’
‘Why do you ask it?’
‘Oh yes, you are a psychologist.’
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. They’ve got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it has to want to change.
Here’s one from Rodney Dangerfield:
Guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office. Psychiatrist tells him “You’re crazy.” Guy says, “Do you mind if I get a second opinion?” Psychiatrist says “OK, you’re ugly, too.”
Before anyone complains about how depression isn’t funny and this thread is insulting blah blah blah… I have depression, and anxiety disorders, and a bunch of other fun things, and I say keep the jokes going!
Unless any schizophrenics have something to say on the matter.
My mental health jokes:
A bunch of guys are sitting in the waiting room of a psychiatric hospital. One guy turns to his neighbor and says, “Hi, I’m Napoleon.”
The other guy says, “What are you talking about? I’m Napoleon. God told me so.”
From the other end of the room someone says, “I did not!”
A man is sent to a psychiatrist because he thinks he’s George Washington. At the end of the session the doctor tells him to come back Wednesday.
The man says, “I don’t have time on Wednesday. I’m going to be crossing the Delaware to launch a sneak attack on the British troops.”
They make another date, and the patient leaves. As soon as he’s gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, “Hello, King George? This is Benedict Arnold and I have the plans.”
I went to a therapist for problems with my self esteem. He told me that I have depression, but that I shouldn’t feel alone because the condition is very common among losers.
Psych professor: “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”