Any good jokes, guys? I’ve been like this for months, perhaps they’d help.
Well, I think that’s a lot of pressure, and no one wants to post the first joke to try and break your depression, cuz what if the joke isn’t funny enough to you?
So anyway, there are lotsa good jokes threads here, try these for starters:
Hope you find a coupla funny ones in there. Happy joking!
…
A WWII American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on this feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. “Could I please sit in that seat” he asked. The lady was insulted; “you Americans are so rude” she said, “can’t you see my dog is sitting there”?
He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. “Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down” he said. The lady replied “you Americans are not only rude you are arrogant” she said. He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said “lady, I’ve been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your dog?” The lady replied “you Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious.” With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the widow, and sat down. The lady was speechless.
An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. “Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady’s description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”
There was an explosion in a bookstore. A rescuer found a semi-conscious man on the floor. When the man was revived the rescuer said “Gee mister you are one lucky guy. If you hadn’t been wearing your revolver, this Bible would have been blown right through your heart !!!”
There’s this fellow who’s a huge football fan, and his entire life it’s been his dream to go to a Super Bowl. One year he finally decides it’s time, so he saves his money, and he gets his ticket order in early and so on, and he gets a ticket. He’s thrilled! The seat is in the top row, behind one of the end zones (i.e., worst seat in the house), but he doesn’t care; he’s going to the Super Bowl!
So he goes to the game, equipped with his binoculars, and starts watching. He’s so excited he can hardly stand it. But as the game goes on and he’s watching through the binoculars, he notices something strange: There’s an empty seat, just a few rows up from the field, at the 50-yard line (i.e., best seat in the house). He’s shocked; the Super Bowl sells out months ahead of time, but there’s an empty seat? And one of the best seats, no less?
He keeps watching, and no one sits there. Finally at halftime he decides to take a chance, and he walks all the way down to the empty seat. There’s an old man sitting next to it. The fellow says, “Excuse me, sir, but is anyone sitting here?”
The old man says no.
“Would you mind if I sat here?”
“Be my guest,” says the old man.
The fellow sits down; he can hardly believe his good fortune. He speaks to the old man again. “Boy, I can’t believe no one’s sitting here at the Super Bowl!”
The old man says, “Well, that was to have been my wife’s seat. She and I attended every single Super Bowl together, since the very first one in 1967. But she’s passed away now, and this is the first time I’ve gone to one without her.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” says the younger guy, “That must be terrible for you. But couldn’t you find someone else to come with you? A friend, or a relative?”
The old man shakes his head. “No,” he says miserably, “they’re all at the funeral.”
One balmy evening in Rome the Pope decides to take a walk.
He slips out the rear door of the Vatican and is walking
through the back alleys of Rome when he sees a ten-year-old
boy smoking a cigarette. The Pope gently says to him, “Young
man, you’re much too young to smoke!”
The kid looks up at the Pope and says, “Fuck you!”
The Pope is completely taken aback. “What?” he says. “You say
that to me, the Pontiff, the Vicar of Christ, the head of
the Roman Catholic Church? I am the spiritual leader for
millions of people, young man, the representative of God,
and you dare to say that to me? No, no, no, kid, fuck YOU!”
A love it or hate it joke really. It leaves some rolling on the floor, falls completely flat for others.
Okay, this one is not a good joke, but it always makes me laugh with its awfulness:
A muffin-tin full of muffins is sitting in the oven, baking.
One muffin goes “Wow, man, it’s getting really hot in here!”
The other muffin says, “Holy shit! It’s a talking muffin!”
I was rolling on the floor the first time I read that joke in a Maxim magazine, Zsofia. Matter of fact, I probably would have mentioned it myself had I remembered. I have all kinds of awesome jokes…I just can’t remember any at the moment.
Dark Side of the Floyd, read the first few pages of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas here. The introduction to this book always makes me smile. It’s wonderfully twisted.
This woman went to a gas station and she was filling up her car and smoking a cigarette and she got some gas on her arms. Then she accidentaly dropped the cigarette and her arms caught on fire.
She was panicked and ran around screaming, help me! help me!
Not to long after that a police car comes racing into the gas station and the woman thinking they could help ran towards the police officers,waving her arms and screaming “HELP ME!”.
The rookie cop got out of the car and shot her.
So his partner asked him “why the heck did you shoot the woman?”
and he said “I had to, she was running at us waving firearms.”
^ Nice
[spoiler]What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken[/spoiler]
A bit offensive, both in subject matter and how groan inspiring it is. Don’t blame me if you highlight it and are offended.
What do you call a short dog with steel balls?
Sparky
There’s a long line at the airport counter to get boarding passes for a flight. Suddenly a man barges up to the front of the line and says to the woman at the counter “I want my pass and I want it now!”
“Sorry, sir, you’ll have to wait in line,” says the woman.
“I want my pass and I want it now!” the man yells.
“Sir, you’ll have to wait in line like everybody else,” the woman tells him, so he yells “Do you know who I am?”
The woman picks up her microphone and announces “Ladies and gentlemen, we have a man up here who can’t seem to recall who he is. Can anyone identify him?”
“Fuck you!” the man snarls, turning to walk away.
“Sorry, but you’ll have to wait in line for that too!” the woman announces.
So Samuel Beckett and his friend are walking through the park one bright beautiful spring day. The sky is blue, the birds are singing, the butterflies are fliting from flower to flower…
The friend says, "My god, doesn’t a day like this just make you glad to be alive!!??
And Beckett says: “Almost”.
Sorry, that’s just my favourite depression joke. And I’ve found when you’re depressed (and I am :)) anything too cheerful just makes you feel worst. Of course that might be just me :).
betenoir - that’s hilarious!!
Damn, Aesiron already posted the joke I was going to tell. Um…
The following Ad appeared in an Atlanta, GA, Newspaper:
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity
unimportant. I’m a very good looking girl who loves to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck,
swimming naked in the pond, hunting, camping and fishing trips,
cozy winter nights lying by the fire. I’ll be at the front door when
you get home from work wearing only what nature gave me.
Call (404) XXX-6420 and ask for Daisy.
Responses!
Over 15,000 men
found themselves talking to the
Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old
black Labrador Retriever.
We men are so…
easy! (Not cheap, mind you … but sooooo easy!) 
Q. How many depressives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. You go off and enjoy yourself, I’ll just sit here in the dark.
An optimist thinks that we live in the best of all possible worlds. A pessimist thinks that that is indeed the case.
Things I’ve Learned from My Children (from jokes.com)
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Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
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A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
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If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
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If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
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When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
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The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
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When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late.
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Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
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A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
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Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.
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“Play-Doh” and “microwave” should never be used in the same sentence.
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Super glue is forever.
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No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
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Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
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VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
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A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
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Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.
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You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
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Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
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The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
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Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.
How do you sell a deaf guy a chicken?
YOU WANNA BUY A CHICKEN???!!!??