So, a bunch of friends go to a Chinese restaurant for dinner. They are having a good time, and decide to have Peking Duck. However, before they order, one of them pipes up that Peking is the old name for the city, it’s now called Beijing. Shouldn’t it be Beijing Duck?
They go back and forth about this, some of them saying the the dish is called Peking Duck, whatever the name of the city is. Others insisted that the dish is duck prepared in the style of the capital city, which is Beijing, so it should be Beijing Duck. Someone else pointed out that Beijing and Peking are just different ways of writing the Chinese name of the city in English, and they should just try to pronounce it properly. They couldn’t come to an agreement about this, and one of them finally suggested that they ask the waiter.
So, when the waiter came over to take their order, they started by asking, “How do you promounce the capital of China?” The waiter looked at them as if they had all lost their minds, and answered, “Taipei.”
Pretty pathetic, but the only joke I can ever remember under pressure. My friends have learned to smile indulgently and keep going.
A man and his wife are out golfing when the man hits it well to the right behind a shed. He is getting ready to simply hit out sideways into the fairway when his wife says, “Wait honey, if I open the doors on both sides of the shed you can hit it through.” She goes up and opens the door and the man decides to give it a try. Unfortunately he mishits it and strikes his wife dead in the temple and she dies.
Several weeks later the man makes it back to the golf course where he is paired up with another single player. They get to the same hole as before and the man does the exact same thing, hitting to the right begind the shed. Just as he is about to hif safely out to the fairway his playing partner suggests, as his wife did, that he hit though the shed.
“Oh dear, no. I tried that last time and it didn’t turn out well.”
So, someone had this great idea for a website. Companies with skilled, expert personnel in one technical area could arrange to swap ‘experts’ with other companies whose expertise complemented their own. This exchange of ‘experts’ could work to their mutual advantage. So they gave the site a name and set it up, and were baffled to get lots of emails from people seeking the very best in gender re-assignment surgery. Then they looked at the name again:
There’s this energy company called Powergen. They are involved in most European countries, and have offices in each country. So there’s a Powergen UK and a Powergen Francais and so on. When they set up the website for the Italian office, they began to receive emails from fetishists that they neither expected nor wanted. Then they looked at the name again:
Ole and Lena were getting up there in years, and wanted to put the spark back into their sex life. Ole said he had heard that some folks eat breakfast in the nude, and suggested they try it. Lena thought he was crazy, and told him so. But the next morning she agreed, and found herself pleasantly surprised.
“Why Ole, you were right!” she said. “I feel wonderful! In fact, my breasts are tingling!”
“It’s no wonder,” Ole replied. “You’ve got one in the oatmeal and one in the coffee.”
Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Exactly where you found him.
So, three blondes go to heaven (yes, a blond joke, somebody had to do it),
and find themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, “Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast
and we give thanks and eat turkey.”
St. Peter said, “Noooooo,” and he banished her to hell.
The second blonde said, “Easter is when we celebrate Jesus’ birth and
exchange gifts.”
St. Peter said, “Noooooo,” and he banished her to hell.
The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said “So,tell me.”
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples
when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans
hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a
tomb behind a very large boulder. . . . .
St. Peter said, “Verrrrrry good.”
Then the blonde continued, “Now every year the Jews roll away the
boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more
weeks of basketball.”
If you’ve got a strong stomach and an “interesting” sense of humor, you might try…
(WARNING: Extremely offensive humor warning. If you’re sensitive, or have suffered any loss in the family, you probably shouldn’t read the following.)
…Dead Baby Jokes.
Those are the grand-mothers of all sick jokes. If you can’t trigger a laugh as a means of dealing with the horrific and macabre using those, nothing will.
Carlos calls his boss and says, “Ey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work.” The boss says: “You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me some tail. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that.” 2 hours later Carlos calls: “Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house.”
[spoiler] One fine gloomy night in England two female vampires walk into a bar. Everyone but the barkeep slinks out sensing the new threat. The bartender casts a prolonged, uneasy glare at the two creatures of the night untill one of them opens her mouth:
“Two glasses of hot boiled water please”
The bartender nods in agreement, and sets out to retrieve this order. Although scared out of his wits, he was also befuddled as to why two vampires would want anything to do with his bar, and why they hadn’t sucked his guts out yet. Once he had the vampiresses orders ready, his curiosity got the best of him.
“Excuse me?”, interrupted the gentleman while pouring the boiled water, “It’s been brought to my attention that you are both vampires. Why are you asking for hot water and nothing more? Shouldn’t you be terrorizing the locals? what do you want with me and my bar”
And with that, one of the vampires pulled a used tampon out of her bat bag and replied: "It’s Tea time ". [/spoiler]
There was a young vampire called Mabel
Whose periods were very unstable.
One night by the moon,
She pulled out a spoon
And drank herself under the table.
A man who owns a business hires a new employee. He starts work on Tuesday, works like crazy all week, but calls in sick on the following Monday. “No problem,” says the boss, who lets him have a day off.
The man works his butt off all week but when the next Monday rolls around he calls in and says “I’m sick.” The boss thinks this is a bit odd but lets him take the day off.
The man comes in the rest of the week and works like crazy. But sure enough, the next Monday he calls in and says, “I’m sick.”
The boss lets him take the day off but by this time he is really concerned about his new employee’s habit of calling in sick on Monday. On Tuesday he calls the man into the office and asks him what is going on.
“Well, it’s like this,” the man explains. “My sister is going through a messy divorce and every Monday morning I go over to her house to try to cheer her up. She’s real cute and one thing leads to another and the next thing you know, we’re having sex!”
". [/spoiler]