I'm really depressed. Do you have any good jokes?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

The queen is being taken on a tour of a recently opened state-of-the-art hospital in Scotland. After making the rounds of the pediatric ward and the oncology ward, she wanders into a hall where she’s met by a normal-looking patient who greets her by saying:
“My love is like a red, red, rose, that’s newly sprung in June.”
Taken aback, her majesty continues surveying the room, when she’s approached by another patient, who says"
“O wee, cowrin’ sleekit, timrous beastie, what a panic’s in thy breastie.”

Startled, she turns to her guide and says “What is this place, the psychiatric ward?”
The guide says “No, your majesty, it’s…”

(wait for it…)

“…the Burns unit.”

:slight_smile:

Did I win?

42

I don’t know.

Can somebody explain it to me?

43

http://www.rabbie-burns.com/index.cfm

44

The other night I was invited out for a night with “the boys”. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight …promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realised she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when pissed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o’clock. She didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shit,” cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.”

45

An injured dog limps into a bar and up to the bartender, and says;
“I’m looking for the man that shot my pa !”
{This is one silly joke, I know. But it cracks me up every time. When I think to repeat it to someone, I usually can’t hardly stop giggling long enough to get all the words out. As a result, it gets huge laughs. But I’m not sure if it’s the joke or the delivery.}

46

Well, if by “good” you mean “really awful”:

An old man boards a bus one day and asks for a ticket to New York. “That’ll be $15.80,” says the conductor, so the man hands him a $20 bill. “Change?! Change?! You want CHANGE?!!” shouts the conductor, and throws the old man off the bus, whereupon he is immediately run over by a passing car.

Luckily, a nearby cop is on hand to arrest the conductor, and he is tried and convicted for murder, and sentenced to the electric chair. There is no appeal, and he seems to accept his fate calmly. When the day of execution arrives, the guards ask if he has any last requests. “I’d just like a large bunch of bananas, and copies of Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and Women’s Weekly please,” he says. The guards look at him a little oddly, but his wish is granted.

As soon as he receives his items, the conductor mashes up the bananas and smears them all over his body. Then, he rips up the magazines into small pieces and plasters them all over the bananas. “Right,” he says, “I’m ready to face my punishment.” So he is strapped into the chair, and the switch is flicked. 10,000 volts pumps round the circuits, but the man is apparently unharmed. They increase the power to 15,000 volts, but the victim just sits there smiling. Even on 20,000 volts, he is absolutely fine.

Convinced that the man is some kind of supernatural being, perhaps the second coming of Christ or something, the judge decides to free him. “But tell me,” he says, “what’s your secret - how did you avoid certain death? Is it the bananas?” “No, sir, it’s not that.” “Then it must be the women’s magazines?” “Nope, it’s nothing to do with them. I’m just a bad conductor.”

47

What can a bird do that a man can’t?

Whistle through his pecker.

48

Ok, here’s an attempt to redeem myself slightly, inspired by the various “How do you know if there’s an elephant in your fridge? Footprints in the butter” jokes:

How do you put an elephant in the fridge?

Open the door, put the elephant in the fridge, close the door.

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

Open the door, remove the elephant, put the giraffe in the fridge, close the door.

The lion, king of the animals, decides to hold a conference. All the animals attend except one. Which is it?

The giraffe - it’s in the fridge

You have to get across a river in which man-eating crocodiles live. There is no bridge or means of transport to do it in. How do you get across?

Just swim across - all the crocodiles are out at the conference.

49

Four blondes were trapped on an island. They looked around for a way to escape, when one of them found a bottle in the sand. They rubbed, and a genie popped out.

“For rescuing me, you each get one wish,” said the genie.

The first blonde said, “Well, I wish I were smarter so I could figure out a way to get off this stupid island!” So POOF! Then genie turned her into a redhead. The redhead then got in the water and swam away.

The second blonde said, “Well, I wish I was smarter than the redhead!” POOF! The genie turned her into a brunette. The brunette then found a log, dragged it into the water, and swam away using it as a floatation device.

The third blonde said, “Well, I wish I was smarter than the brunette!” POOF The genie turned her into a black-haired girl. The black-haired girl then gathered some logs and some vines, tied them together to make a raft, then attached a pole and a palm leaf onto the raft and set sail off the island.

The fourth blonde said, “I wish I was smarter than the black-haired girl!” POOF! The genie turned her into a man.

So then he got on the bridge and walked off the island.

50

Well, since we’re doing TMI vampire jokes:

Q. What did one lesbian vampire say to another lesbian vampire?
A. See you next month.

And here’s a non-TMI one:

One day Joe stops by his friend Bob’s house, and Bob isn’t home but his wife is and she answers the door. They get to talking and he says, “you know, I’ve always thought you have the most beautiful breasts. I’d pay you $100 if I could see one.” So she thinks for a minute and then agrees. After he puts a $100 bill on the coffee table, he says “you know, I’d pay you another $100 if I could see both of them.” So she agrees and he puts another $100 on the coffee table.

Joe leaves and a few hours later Bob comes home. “Your buddy Joe stopped by today.” “Oh yeah,” Bob replied, "did he say anything about the $200 he owes me?

51

My new favorite:

What did the number zero say to the number eight?

Nice belt!

52

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Why the long face?”

53

Two men decide to go camping in the woods. After spending the night in the woods, they decide to go exploring. One man goes north, another goes south. They meet later at their campsite and begin to tell each othe what they found.

Man1: “I walked south for a few miles and found the most beautiful valley I have ever seen. The trees, flowers and animals were just incredible, it was amazing”.

Man2: “Wow, sorry I missed that!”

Man1: “What did you find?”

Man2: “Well I walked north a few miles and found a women tied to a rail road track!!”

Man1: “What? what did you do?”

Man2: “Well I freed her of course. We made love for hours in the grass, it was the most amazing sex I have ever had we did things I only read about in magazines!”

Man1: “holy crap! did you get a blowjob and everything?”

Man2: “No, I couldn’t find her head.”

:slight_smile:

54

A rope walks into a bar. The bartender takes one look at him, shakes his head, and says, “Sorry sir, but we don’t allow ropes in here.” The rope leaves, but he really wants a drink. He thinks for awhile, then ties a knot in his middle and frays his ends. He goes back into the bar and the bartender says, “Hey, aren’t you that rope that was just in here?” “No,” the rope says, “I’m a frayed knot.”

What do you call two blondes in a freezer?
Frosted flakes.

Why was the blonde’s belly button bruised?
Blonde men aren’t so smart, either.

This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices that the man is in obvious pain because he is holding his throat and can barely talk. He gives the man his beer and he guzzles it down. The man asks for another one, then another. Finally, the bartender can’t resist, and asks the man what happened to him.
“Well,” the man says. “I was out golfing today when I sliced it into the woods. I was searching everywhere for my ball when I spotted a dead cow that looked like it had a golf ball stuck in its ass. I walked over and lifted up the cow’s leg to get a closer look, but the ball wasn’t mine. Just then, a lady walked into the woods and she was looking for her ball, too. I lifted up the cow’s leg again and asked, ‘Hey lady, does yours look like this?’ She hit me with her nine iron.”

picker, I’m probably going to hell for laughing at your joke. Thank you for that.

55

I have no idea why I thought this stupid thing was funny, but for some reason I laughed for about two or three days whenever I thought about.
Why was Helen Keller such a crappy driver?

Because she was a woman.

Disclaimer:

A note to she-Dopers: I have absolutely nothing against women [even though my mother is one] and I am perfectly aware that women are statistically better drivers than men- I just thought the joke was funny because it’s so absurd and unexpected. Please don’t Pit me.

56

Along the same lines, why can’t Ray Charles read?

Because he’s black.

57

Q: How many Freudian psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to hold the penis-I mean LADDER!

Guy comes home late one night. He’s been out with his friends, and he’s really tied one on. Now, he knows his wife is going to be ticked at him, so he tries to be quiet, but he’s so drunk that he runs into an end table, knocks over a vase, and clocks himself on the doorjamb.

He wakes up the next morning, all tucked into bed. On the nightstand is a glass of cold water, two aspirin, and a note from his wife:

“Dear sweetie,
Had to run to the store to get you more beer for the big game. Breakfast is on the table - your favorite!
Love,
Me”

Baffled, the man takes his aspirin and stumbles out to the kitchen where he does indeed find his favorite breakfast waiting for him. He starts eating as his son comes in and makes a bowl of cereal.

“Mornin’, Dad.”
“Mornin, son. Wow, I coulda sworn your mom would be angry as anything at me, the way I came in last night.”
“Nah,” the son shrugs. “She was, and she called me downstairs to help clean up, but when she was undressing you, every time she tried to undo your belt and pants, you’d smack her hands away and yell, ‘Cut it out, lady, I’m a married man!’”

58

Little Timmy is in the first grade. He keeps telling his teacher he should be in the third grade. Every day he waves his hand and yells at the teacher that his sister is in the third grade but he is smarter than she is, so therefore he should be in the third grade too.

The teacher gets tired of this and takes him to the principal’s office, where she explains the problem.

“Well, son,” says the principal,“Let me ask you a few questions.” He asks what 3 x 3 is and Timmy says that it’s nine. The principal asks what 6 x 6 is and Timmy says that it’s 36. He asks what 9 x 9 is and Timmy says it’s 81.

“You seem pretty smart,” says the principal. “I guess we could put you in the third grade.”

“Now wait a minute,” yells the teacher. “I’ve got a few questions for him. Hey Timmy, what does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?” The principal goes ballistic and starts yelling that she can’t ask a child a question like that but Timmy just says “Legs.”

“What do you have in your pants that I don’t have under my dress?” she asks. Again the principal gets mad but Timmy just says “Pockets.”

“And what begins with an F and ends with a U C K and involves a whole lot of excitement?” the teacher asks. By this time the principal is apoplectic.

“Fire Truck,” says little Timmy.

The principal says to Timmy, “Kid, I’m moving you to the 6th grade. Even I didn’t get those last three answers right.”

59

Three golf buddies are playing golf one Saturday morning. As they walk off of the eighteenth green, one of them stops the other two. He tells them he won’t be able to make it the next week, because he’s going to be in surgery. He was born with both male and female genitals, and the surgeon is going to close up his vagina. His buddy tells him, “No, man, have them cut your balls off. Then you’ll get to hit from the red tees!”

Three buddies are playing golf one Saturday morning, when a funeral procession passes by on an adjoining road. One of the men, Bob, stops mid-swing, turns to face the procession, bows his head, and begins to pray. Moved, the others join him, until the procession moves away. As they resume play, one man says to the other, “Man, that’s the most moving thing I’ve ever seen. I didn’t know Bob had that kind of thing in him.”

The friend says, “Well, they were married for 20 years.”

60

A man walks into a bar and orders a pint. As the barman passes it over, he looks out the window: “Looks like rain”. The man replies: “Tastes like it and all”.