So I’m riding the train home yesterday and just as it got quiet, some kid in the back of the car started blowing off one of those 300-decibel compressed air horns at random intervals.
What do you think I should have done?
Depends on your train situation; we have conductors on our trains that I would have gotten hold of and informed of the situation. If there wasn’t one, I’d probably just move cars. The more primal urges in me say I’d just rip the thing out of the kids hands and fed it to him, but honestly, I read the news too much, and who knows what else the kid is packing (not to mention the possibility of him ripping off one in my ear at close proximity.)
Taken it from him, blasted it in his face, then stepped on it. At least, that’s what I would have done. Even better if the kid’s parents are with him.
I would have cried “What about the whales, man? The whales!” 
Now, if the kid’s parents were with him, I almost definitely would have had words with them. That’s an entirely different matter.
I would have stood in front of the kid and jerked off every time he blew the horn.
That would make him stop.
Or it might just make him more horny.
Posed the question to my son, the conductor.
Ask to knock it off, politely.
Second time around, the kid gets off at the next stop.
Case closed.
Funny, I was just thinking of starting a thread similar to this. I’m wondering what I can do about the Jamaican Jesus-freaks that plague the NYC subway. Two days in a row I’ve had to listen to them preach, and I cannot fucking take it any more. However, some of these people are obviously insane, and I don’t necessarily want to tell an insane person to shut up. There has to be a better solution than just sitting in the subway car and trying to ignore it.
“I’ve got an air horn… for each of you.”
It depends. Are we talking about a little five-year-old kid in a Lord Fauntleroy suit and a big lollipop? Or a big seventeen-year-old 200-pound whiskery kid with a switchblade?
The kid was way in the back of my car, and I didn’t look back at him (because you know that’s exactly what he wanted everyone to do.) I just heard some laughter from a group of kids that could have covered the whole range of ages. If he was five, he was probably only packing something light, and I could have gotten the horn away from him before he had a chance to get off a shot. (My train runs through South Central).
Avumede Findout what sect they are. Begin preaching a different sect to them. Hand them literature from that sect. EG Convince them that they haven’t accepted all of Christ’s teachings, and tell them about the Book Of Mormon.
Or just preach the dark gospel of Cthulu. ‘He waits and dreams in the deep! And the cities of man shall fall before him!’ Make sure to study up in case people ask you questions.
Or invent a new religion. “There is but one god. His name is Uncle Walt. He did not die. He merely sleeps in the ice. One day, he will return and lead the Mousketeers to Promised Land!”
Good answer! Barb and I, with completely straight faces, regularly witness to Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses about Episcopalianism – for some reason, they always seem to find a reason to leave when I get going about the Apostolic Succession and the importance of the Epiclesis in the Eucharist! 
You could always sing show tunes at them.
Tracy: That is the best answer ever, isn’t it? I once dispersed a crowd of homophobes by getting a metro-carful of gay men to sing an accapella chorus of “I Will Survive” at them. Seriously, they got off at the next station.
Matt MCL
I think this would have worked better.
Matt- You folks better have your umbrelllas. Because . . . According to our sources
Metrocarful of gay men-What sources now?
Matt-At just about half past ten
MCFOGM-Half past ten?
Matt-For the first time in history, it’s gonna start raining men!
MCFOGM-It’s raining men!
Matt-Hallelujah!
MCFOGM- It’s raining men!
Matt-Amen!
Together-I’m go out and let myself get absolutely soakin’ wet.
MCFOGM-God bless Mother Nature!
Matt-She’s a single woman too!
I don’t care what your orientation is, the Weathergirls achieved immortality with that song.
Matt – When I read that, I was rather upset that my city has neither a very strong religious right, nor a proper subway from which they can rant. Don’t get me wrong, 99% of the time, Portland is the place to be. But damn, when you’ve really got a hankering for some righteous gay show tunes…
matt_mcl, it will be a deep and painful tragedy if we don’t meet at some distant RealDope / TrannaDope in the future and do this, dammit. 
Honk!
Honk!
Honk!
Honk!
Honk!
Honk!
Honk!
Honk!
Honk!