You know, I’ve avoided openly saying “Man, if you’re going to pull stuff over on us, at least try” but sometimes I feel that way. I was much better at doing shit when I was a kid
Hang on, I’m taking notes. I like where this is going.
In all seriousness, I had my wife read the thread as well and we’re planning on talking to him again this evening and trying to work on a mutual solution that he has some input into and investment in. She thought the point about him wanting control over his space was a good one so we’re hoping to leverage off that.
It’s a single level ranch (with a no food in rooms policy) and his room is right off the main hall. That said, I think I’ll save the door embargo for when he’s doing drugs or hiding immigrant children in his room. A big part of my starting this thread was to find disciplines/solutions that fit the “crime” and left us with room to escalate for larger problems.
Do either of the adults in the house have an issue with throwing things in the garbage, because they think someone else will just pick it up anyway? I’ve heard SOOOOOO many women say that their husbands leave the trash AROUND the trash can, or their clothes AROUND the laundry basket, etc. I’m sure there are women who do that too.
I’m hopping on the mixed messages train. So is your son allowed to eat in his room or not? It sound like hes not but yes he is if he cleans up. What is your son supposed to eat? Sandwiches and not junk food but then again, “No junk food” isn’t actually a rule is it?
So I just ate a Pop-Tart which I may or may not be allowed to eat maybe in my room or maybe not. And you wonder why he hid the wrapper?
No, the rule is clear that he is not to eat in his room. Period.
“Normal” food for meals, snack foods in between meals or in conjunction with meals. Seeing a chip bag in the trash means nothing more than “Hey, kid had some chips with lunch or later school”. However, when I’m throwing away a nearly full pack of spoiled lunch meat, it’s apparent that he was not eating it for lunch and eating purely snack food instead.
Again, this isn’t really ambiguous in the house. Maybe it’s less than clear on the forum where I’m responding to various posts from various people and giving a patchwork story but I assume most people would find the food “policy” in the house to be rather standard and commonsense.
Maybe he just has a strong emotional connection to that Pop-Tart he enjoyed earlier and doesn’t want to lose his only connection to it. Time to get Matt Paxton on the case!
More seriously, does your son play video games or do other things in his room that he just doesn’t feel like interrupting? So he sticks the trash someplace out of sight thinking he’ll get it all to the trash can once he’s done doing whatever he’s doing and then it just doesn’t happen because teenager.
I’m certainly not most people, but I don’t find this to be common sense. I’ve been a teenage boy, had teenage brothers, teenage friends, and teenage sons, all this rule will do is cause him to eat in his room anyway when he can get away with it, and then cover it up (or is that a ridiculous conclusion?). IMHO a commonsense rule would be that if he eats in his room he has to clean it up. (see Rachellelgram’s post above for more explanation).
Obviously not commonsense enough since that didn’t work (as previously detailed). Which wasn’t just garbage but plates and glasses as well. We’re not installing a kitchen sink or a dishwasher in his bedroom next to the trash can.
None of the other posters have pointed out that having a smelly, bug infested room full of trash is punishment in itself. I mean, really, having to live in a room full of garbage seems like punishment enough. Maybe you could move some of the garbage to his bed when he’s away as punishment.
So your son is being a teenager. He’s doing something he shouldn’t be doing (eating in his room) and hiding the evidence. Plus the fact he’s supposed to have a sandwich for lunch and is eating junk food instead is more incentive to hide the evidence.
Look, you got a few ways to go. If your son won’t control what he eats then you control it. Don’t buy junk food. Do you know why I don’t eat junk food? My son will find it and eat it so we can’t have it in the house at all. If the trash is an issue then get him a trash can. If he still hides it, go crazy and dump the kitchen trash on his bed since “[he] loves living in trash so much.” Or let him eat in his room contingent on him throwing his trash away.
Yeah, that’s already the plan. The snacks were to supplement, not replace, the regular food. Since that’s not what’s happening, they won’t be purchased.
I am sort of a ‘punishment fits the crime’ parent.
My solution would be twofold:
He has to clean his room on garbage night and get rid of all garbage.
If he fails to accomplish actually getting rid of the garbage:
No fun food on Mom and Dad’s dime. If Mom and Dad usually have fun food this could be tricky, though. Also if kid has a well-paying job.
ETA: we have a no food or drinks other than water in your room policy. In fact, other than popcorn or chips with a movie, you are required to eat at the table. This was the same in my house growing up. Apparently, I am insane.
How about this: Give him some plastic bags (kept next to the Playstation or whatever). Each night when he comes out for dinner, have him bring out his daily bagful of trash and the dirty dishes. You’ll be able to know right away if he doesn’t bring anything out, and you can ask him to go back and get it.
Ok, sorry I missed that previously. I had the mistaken impression that he wasn’t allowed to eat in his room at all. If the clean-up rule is in place then I don’t see anything wrong with enforcing that rule.
And I understand how tough it is to find a solution, simply taking away video games could just lead to the power struggle. Personally, I find video games to be a terrible thing in the sense that they substitute entertainment for productive activities. The cure for me as a teenager (aside from Mom yelling and screaming) was getting interested in electronics, woodworking, and eventually after school jobs. What I needed to learn were the rewards of being productive, but I don’t know how to apply that to modern kids, or if it applies to your son at all. How much do you and your son do together? And how well are you two communicating right now? I think for me this was a problem in my life when I hit a low point in socializing, and for what had been for a long time no useful participation in my life from my father. Maybe it’s a good time to practice the guy thing of talking while working on something together, maybe even if it’s doing the cleaning together to start. Anyway I’m just guessing because there are so many details only you would know about, but I’ll state the obvious, fatherhood is challenging. Best of luck with this, and I’m sure this won’t continue forever.
Since he’s home for two and a half hours before you all get home from work, let me bring up the roof. Have you told him not to climb up and walk on the roof when you’re not there? Because we didn’t think to and our son did. :smack:
Lots of times I like snack food more than real food. How about stuff like string cheese? It’s easier and more fun to eat, but still good for you.
He probably is busy in his room so isn’t going into the kitchen to eat. He’s growing up; maybe that seems like a now-childish constraint but he doesn’t know how to bring it up without it being a big deal.
You mentioned deceit and not taking responsibility. Is that just about the hiding trash in his room? Because them’s some pretty big guns there and if the issue becomes a habit…I’m just saying, people have a tendency to become what they’re told they are and it might do more good to praise him for not walking on the roof.
I’m still not seeing how people don’t see the need for trash cans in their bedrooms even if they don’t eat in there. They never write something down in their room and have to toss out an old note? They never blow their nose? They never find a sock with a hole in it? They never have to pick hair out of the hairbrush and toss it in the trash? They never find a loose thread?
Do they wander down the hall with these things in their hand to throw away somewhere else? Doing it in front of your parents is like the march of shame. Then, you want him to do it for things he shouldn’t be doing (eating only snacks)? Double the shame, no wonder he isn’t doing it.
I’m just not getting the reasoning behind not putting a trashcan in the bedroom.
He’s a teenager fer chrissakes, he’s going to use tissues and need a trashcan, and he’s going to have to throw away papers from school when they’re outdated. I’m surprised you haven’t found a mountain of used tissues and scribbled notebook paper behind all the chip bags.
Talk with him about his room being a dump. Then take him to an actual dump. Walk around and point out the piles of rotting garbage, the rats, the seagulls. Let him smell the smells. Then look him in the eye and tell him, “so I’m gonna leave you here tonight. It’s for your own good. I’ll be back in the morning, well go home and never speak of this again. Do you understand?”
You’ll thank me next week when he’s polishing his bed frame and lysoling his walls.
