Puzzle: Yet Another Spy Caper

The Game Room
1

You are expecting Special Agent Jones of the CIA to visit today. Whenever the CIA has a tough code to crack, they turn to You, the finest cryptologist in the land. Jones has been calling You with updates on three missing spies. This morning he rang and said the CIA might finally have something to go on. They would need your help again.

The three spies in question slipped through the hands of the CIA during a massive New Year’s Day roundup. The spies had come very close to world domination. These evil scoundrels even once had control of an alien flying saucer. [thread=542306]But You defeated them[/thread].

Now, as You wait for Jones, You think back to that time and the cast of characters:

Klaus: Megalomaniac leader of the remaining spies. He is obsessed with ruling the world. Currently on the lam.

Jan Sullivan: A nefarious and brilliant seductress. Men who fall under her spell sometimes do not live to tell the tale. Uncaptured at this time.

Andy Wilson: Klaus’ main henchman is a master of disguise. Still in hiding.

Emma Flanders: Beautiful and completely loyal to Klaus. Emma was destined to be his bride before You interfered. She is currently incarcerated and refuses to give any information.

Joseph Flanders: Brother of Emma. He is currently incarcerated but has been helping authorities.

Knock! Knock! Knock!

You swing open your front door and Jones enters. Soon both of you have cups of steaming hot Columbian coffee, and Jones begins:

The CIA has been trying to find the missing spies for the past two months, but the trail has gone cold. It is believed that only a handful of spies escaped the January 1st raid, so the spy network is mostly broken and likely lacking in funds to rebuild. Still, there is a major concern. The spies may have some alien technology.

Joe Flanders has informed the CIA that Klaus was very interested in certain devices found aboard the alien flying saucer. At one point he removed some of the technology from the craft and took it away from the gang’s hideout. This may have been part of some sort of “Plan B” in case the original scheme failed.

Klaus had been trying to figure out the purpose and use of the technologies on the craft. According to Joe Flanders, Klaus was particularly excited over one machine. He studied it for days before removing the device. Joe has no idea what the thing may do.

“And that’s where we stand,” continues Jones. “It is possible, even likely, that Emma Flanders knows about this alien technology. But she isn’t talking.”

Jones takes a sip of coffee and sets the cup down. “There is just a chance that we now have a break in this case. Yesterday morning there was a surprise inspection of Emma Flanders’ cell. A mysterious note was found under the mattress.”

“Let me guess,” You sigh. “It is a coded message.”

Jones gives a small laugh. “We’re not exactly sure what it is. Our codebreakers can’t find anything in it. Indeed, if there is a message, it is not like anything we’ve ever seen. So we’re bringing it to You. If there is something to be found in this note, You are the one to uncover it.”

Jones hands You a paper. You scan the strange page.

“Uh oh. Here we go again,” You think.

Jones takes his leave and You cancel your plans for the rest of the day.

Can You work out what is going on before trouble starts again?

^^^^^

GIFT UP NOAH CRUEL! FED AMP KEG TRIP BE TOLD BAY CUP FUN ROPES YE ZOO* OATH LAST EDGE KIT* UP COP* TOSS LASS DEADMAN ARISEN JURY JAM FLOWS DESERTS HELD OFF RID. TWO GO JUG* OF OJ HIM EVE BAG DUG TWO POLE MEN* A* SIGH WITH A LOSS* RUNT TORE HAVE BONGS* TIRE FAD* TEN RAVE MASK BELL WOW* HOP ME* BOARD PIE. BRONCO* WED MY OWL RAINED APE TUB MINKS* WIRE MOOD AT TICK BRUT PILL HAS TO SUNS* DOSE* WHAM SNOW IT SODA END A* RED MAD CAR. YEW OR MUG* HOP* WHAT ROW* HOW RAG* DEW HOT* FEMA DAD. SPY AN YO* BERMS GAS HICK A LADY BOOM LOAN MAIN ADE* DOG A* TRAITS JAW I-NK PAW IN TOW DOES MAID SOW WITH UP NO FEZ AH. MOP ADS A IN BIG FOUL RUM TOMB MASS LOW SHALL* I US* CATS THOU ART GAL GO UP.

^^^^^

2

Jones phones tonight with bad news:

Emma Flanders has escaped from jail.

Shockingly, it appears that the warden at her prison, a Mr. Roger Heinz, actually helped in the getaway.

Heinz went to Emma Flanders’ cell early this afternoon accompanied by an FBI Agent. They told the guards Miss Flanders was being taken “downtown for further questioning.” Emma was led to a car waiting outside the jail and the men drove away with the spy handcuffed in the back seat. None of the three has been seen since.

This “FBI agent” went by the name of Mr Andrew Steele. He is unknown to anyone at the Bureau. Cameras from the prison show a person who looks very much like Andy Wilson.

Heinz has a glowing record and was actually “Warden of the Year” in 2007. Hard to believe he was mixed up in this escape. Various reports say Heinz has been acting strangely for the past two days.

3

It is Monday morning and Agent Jones arrives with news. As more coffee is poured, Jones gives you the update.

Warden Heinz’s 2007 Kia Sportage was found parked in the woods several miles from the escape. This location is in a remote part of central Tennessee. Fingerprints taken from inside the car were not only those of Heinz and Flanders, but also those of Andy Wilson. This pretty much proves that FBI Agent Andrew Steele was, in fact, Wilson. The abandoned car was searched and only one clue was found— another mysterious message. It is supposed that Wilson had the note in his pocket, and that it fell out during the ride.

“It sure seems these spies are clumsy with their secret missives,” You observe. “Almost too clumsy.”

“That’s my impression as well.” replies Jones. “Almost as if the spies want You to find them. I wonder why?”

“It reminds me of the old Batman villain, the Riddler. Klaus wants to match wits with us AND defeat us with his conundrums. I think his ego will ultimately be his undoing.” You reach over and take the strange note that Jones hands to You. “I’ll crack this just as I have all the other Klaus codes. And this time he is going to jail for good.”

But can You be successful yet again?

^^^^^

POP JAG SNAIL GIVER BAIL GO IF NAVY T,OTAL FOIL COW TAB HIS SANE WHY GULL REFINE CLONE SO. SANTA FLEX ZEN EEK TOP DOCK PIP* TAG SHOE* TOSS PART SONGS YARN PRIM LONGER ZA ROADS NUT COIL ONLY* CLOD NO CUD SPAM BEER OF MA THY PITA MOVE HULK YO CAW SAW NO STOP VIA GOAL CHAT WOMB CHEWS GAG BAR. DEALING TINY FOUR KIDS YARD EGG SNOTTY UGH* TUMS LOTS YAK GRUB MOCK TOO LION WET PAIL COST OWE. OUST I DATE COT RAM RIB LINE* NERD* OPEN DISH SLOG BOW, ABE POT* TACT REF PESO POND YE POND HOT RUT FISH LIVE VOW* CIA SNIP COZY KID NOON WIT PAY WEARS EAT IF NOUN YANG FAIL MESS RAM OK. WADE HULA ON BOMB WAS I TRADE KIT* GIVE OY WAVY EYE JET BARK BAMBI DID FIG WOLF NUN OZ MANE* AT TOO* CLOCK* PICK DIKE KIA SNAG FEET TOPAZ DID GOOD BOUT LAV*A KAOS ROAM HAG.

^^^^^

4

Yet again Agent Jones is at your door with more information.

A couple of weeks ago some lottery winner in Tennessee got the bright idea of taking a video of himself swimming naked in a hot tub filled with $100 bills. He posted his crazy plan all over the internet. The foolish man even put out all the details about the scheme. Seemed he wanted to be famous as well as rich. The money was scheduled to be brought to him early today.

At about 2am this morning an armored car carrying this nearly 3 million dollars vanished in Tennessee just outside of Memphis. The car was guarded by two off-duty policemen. At one point the car stopped at a rest area so that one of the guards could use the restroom. When this man returned from doing his business, the truck and the other guard were gone.

This afternoon the armored car was found on a remote road about thirty miles away. The money had, of course, vanished.

Also, late this afternoon, the missing guard was found wandering around the streets of Bethesda, Maryland. He did not know how he came to be at that location. Indeed this guard remembers nothing since visiting a popular bar in Knoxville this past Tuesday night.

“Do you think that this is somehow connected with the missing spies?” You ask.

Jones nods his head. “Jan Sullivan’s fingerprints were found on the outside of the armored car. And beneath the vehicle was another coded message. My guess is that it ‘fell out’ of someone’s pocket while the money was being transferred to another car.”

You are feeling queasy. So suddenly the spies are not so broke anymore.

You look at Jones and accept the folded note he offers. Both of you sense that terrible things will be happening soon… unless You can figure out these mysterious messages!

^^^^^
SHOCK JOT HOP FINER ALSO DARK TENTS* BOZO ITEM GREED STAY TO* ATE CUT PEAR LOT TOOT EMUS TUBA DRY PEZ CORPSE ID COD. FIRM WED QUAKE OVAL RIOT LIDS FOG GUN SNUG TO GO FEES HO,OT THAW HOST OWE FROZE MEL*,TED PROW HUE BI,TS SEWS* MUTE MOP. WADERS REFER DAD BLUNT OM SCANT TROY SAD NEAR* A MAP NAG ASS NO YUCK FRY RIG CUP SENT! WHAM GAGA BEDS ADO SMOCK PAX SHACK SKY EWE RID ALARM SARS*, WADS PUT WITH MEMO YORE PAIN BEAT HIDE DIED YOWLS* DUD PAGE PITCH SAP LIKES WAD KINE. WADE LASH SINS GEAR QUIZ GALE TRUNK BOTH FLOP DAD COP FLASH SHATTER VIVID HAZE DOWN TAN* BONE BUB TOUT SOME POOL SAY FUSS YEW TO TAX S*PICY BUSTY.

^^^^^

5

Shocking news this morning!

Ex-spy Joseph Flanders was slain in his cell by his own lawyer!

Arch Conners, a reknowned attorney who had been representing Flanders went to the prison Friday evening to meet his client. Somehow he smuggled a knife into the jail. Conners is a highly respected lawyer who is somewhat famous for representing criminals who eventually work with the government and the police. No one saw this coming.

Conners entered Joseph Flanders’ cell and at some point slit the poor man’s throat. The lawyer then attacked guards and police and was eventually gunned down. Less than an hour later this homicidal solicitor was DOA at a nearby hospital.

News of the bizarre attack has stunned everyone. The only clue comes from Conners’ wife, who says her husband did not call her Thursday evening. She says this is odd because Conners’ always calls every night when he is out of town on a case. She can offer no other explanation for this tragic event. She says her husband was “among the gentlest of men.”

6

Nothing.

Nothing in these messages makes any sense. Is it even code? Perhaps this is all some kind of sick prank. You can’t make anything of these words strung together in a seemingly random manner. And what of those asterisks? Could there really be anything legible in all this mess? Doesn’t seem like a fair puzzle at all. How does one even know what to do? Can the secret of these recent spy crimes really be revealed from this tripe?

Knock! Knock ! Knock!

“Coming.”

You slowly put down these vexing papers and answer the door. To your surprise You find a young street child at your stoop.

“I was paid ten dollars to deliver this,” says the waif. He hands You an envelope and quickly runs away.

“Hey! Stop!” You cry. But the running urchin soon disappears around a corner and is gone.

Slowly You step back into your abode. Nothing remarkable about the blank envelope. Standard business type white.

You slowly tear it open to reveal a single page inside. As You read the message your blood runs cold.
±±±

Dear Codebreaker,

Well here we are again, You and I. Time and time again we’ve matched wits. Your abilities have astonished me and I have most enjoyed You as an adversary. I tip my hat to You.

But alas, I tire of our little game. Things must be ended. One of us shall go on. One shall not.

I will soon be in control of the world. But it can never be said that Klaus did not play fair. I am enclosing my most recent message. It was sent just yesterday to certain members of my team. All You have to do is figure it out. Solve this mystery and save everything You hold dear.

But I don’t believe You can solve it. This code is much too clever-- even for one such as You.

I will miss You. Goodbye.

Klaus

^^^^^

THAT JUG SPY UGLI TAU SOAP IT FAVOR HO:

HOW GAB* HOP SHOOT WILLOW UP DOPE MARK BELT FIT KNIT TOUR JAVA WITH KOAN TITO RAM DAB* HOTS SASH GUS. TUMS PARIS ZAG GULF BID POE SLUTTISH BROTH GAME KIT GIVE OAR BLOW HAIR FEAR FIDO NEAT OR ZIP. AMY NEW RUSH CARE LOCO DAY EAST SOUTH ZA DROWN FED IV ABUT CAR MEMO FELT SAY TENS FLAG GRAY FARM RIDE JIM WHEY. AT TOOL MASH GEL BAD POTTY PUG TAB HEM PUS POUR MEAL REPS FIST SLUMS VERY RAVE KONG ONE CONGO BLAB EVIL BASK ANY SEW RUB. WORMY BULB PEST SOB COY TED LAW SNOW* A GUM TO* CHAIR* MAZE IT IF SHARK YES* FLASH GAG* MAD CAB BAKED MAY H*OLY GO PISS YALE SPAM FULL SAG.

GOD YE IF A COATS NILE VEST HIGH COPE CONE… ABLE YOU CUR MUGS YEW SN*ORE PAIR FIE!

^^^^^

7

As usual when You are expecting a guest, You have started a fresh pot of gourmet coffee. The call from Agent Jones was rather cryptic, but he did say he had a possible lead in solving the latest spy caper. And right now, You can use all the help You can get.

You let out a sigh as you listen to the drip drip drip of the coffee maker.

This should be an easy problem. After all, how many ways can one encode or conceal a secret message in a string of short unrelated words?

And those stinkin’ asterisks. Perhaps Jones might have some insight there.

Or has there been another crime…?

Knock! Knock! Knock!

You let Jones through the door as he mumbles a brief “hello.” You can see this spy case is taking its toll on the CIA man. He looks terrible.

“What’s the word?” You ask.

“I better have some coffee first. This is tough,” says Jones in almost a monotone.

You head to the kitchen. The organic coffee is ready. You select a mug and begin to pour a cup.

“Has there been a ----?” You start to ask.

BANG!

The coffeepot explodes in your hand. You turn and see Agent Jones leveling his service revolver.

BANG!

This time the bullet hits your coffee maker, sending it flying into pieces off the counter.

There is no time to comprehend what is happening. You leap through the kitchen doorway and behind the couch as Jones again points the gun in your direction. Two more bullets tear through the top of your couch, only missing You by millimeters.

“Jones! What are you doing?” You cry.

“Time for You to die,” responds Jones impassively. Another two shots through the sofa again somehow miss their mark.

A terrible panic builds. You crawl around to the side of the couch and sneak a peek at Jones. The homicidal Agent Jones is calmly reloading his gun.

In a moment of desperation You notice Jones is standing on a long throw rug that runs up to the edge of the couch. Acting on survival instinct, You grab the end of the rug closest to You and yank as if your life depends on it. Which it does. The tug sends Jones toppling to the ground. He drops his just loaded revolver. Like a tiger You leap on Jones, trying to hold down the CIA man as You struggle for control of the deadly weapon. But the powerful Agent wrenches the revolver from your grasp.

“You will die now,” states Jones flatly.

But at that moment your hand finds a candlestick that has fallen from a table during this fight. With your last bit of strength You swing the candlestick, connecting with the side of Jones’ head.

The blow is a success and Jones falls back— now unconscious on the floor.

Rising slowly You pick up the gun and quickly dial 911.

And as You wait for authorities to arrive, You hold the gun, keeping it trained on the prone Agent Jones— your close and dear friend who has just tried to kill You.

8

“Is there anybody out there?”

You often listen to *Pink Floyd’*s “The Wall” during periods of mental frustration. The alienation, struggle and despair seem to mirror your feelings as You try and find answers to perplexing and vexing riddles. You feel You are banging your head against the “mad bugger’s wall.”

And You have every reason to feel despair. Your good friend Agent Jones is now locked away in a mental institution.

The police had thought You were the crazy one. When they first arrived at your home, the cops had trouble believing that the well-respected Jones had attempted murder. However when Jones regained consciousness, he immediately lashed out at You. Grabbing a letter opener, the deranged man suddenly leaped forward. Had the police not tackled Jones, he might still have succeeded in his homicidal rage.

Even as the police led the hysterical Jones away, he babbled loudly about his need to kill You.

And if Jones could be turned to a killer, who else? Might the mailman carry a kitchen knife? Could your neighbor’s teenage daughter brandish a loaded pistol? The bagger at the grocery store might suddenly attack with a sack of carrots. You don’t feel safe around anyone.

So now You are holed up in your home, the door bolted. You keep a gun at hand for protection…just in case. It’s just You, and a pile of impossible coded messages. You have never felt more lonely.

(Is there anybody out there?)

Riiiiinnnggg!

You turn off the stereo and answer the phone.

You hear the friendly voice of Agent Brown on the line. Young Brown is a good sort, if a bit wet behind the ears.

Brown: I wanted to call and update You on Jones. He seems to have come out of his mania. I talked to him briefly in his padded cell. Jones is mortified about what happened. He says he has no memory of the past week. His doctors don’t know what to make of it. They did say that Jones had recently had another trauma to his head in addition to the one You gave him with the candlestick. But that shouldn’t have caused him to go mad. And Jones has no idea how he got the first bump on the head, much less why he went insane. Poor Jones, he is so upset. However, the doctors don’t think it is safe to let him out of confinement.

You: Poor Jones indeed. I know that somehow the spies are behind this. If only I could figure out these puzzling messages!

Brown: That’s the other reason I called. Well…I thought that maybe I…well I’ve been trying to figure out the codes too.

Even in these desperate circumstances, You can’t help but smile. Brown is a good egg.

You: Made any headway?

Brown: Gosh. I don’t know. I figure it’s got to be one of two types of codes. Either there is a secret message hidden in the words, or this is just another letter substitution code. In the past the spies have always used the second method. So if history is a guide…

You: Okay. I surmise the same. Go on.

Brown: Well there’s problems with either method. If there’s a secret message, the computers should have been able to find it. I’ve tried first letters, second letters, third letters, etc. I’ve tried combinations of those. I’ve gone forward and backwards. I’ve even tried to let those damned asterisks change the pattern. But nothing. Not even close to anything.

You: I am impressed Brown. Go on.

Brown: I even supposed that maybe I’d have to change a letter or something. But that just doesn’t work. Any type of pattern of letter substitution destroys the “normal” mix of letters found in the messages. Say one is supposed to increase the letters by one. Then the code would probably have a lot of “F’s” in it since all the “E’s” would become “F’s”

Any automatic or mechanical change in letters would lead to an unnatural mix of letters. And all four codes don’t seem to have extra Q’s, or Z’s or X’s or anything else that would indicate such.

You: I agree, Brown. I feel that as attractive as such a hidden message might be…I don’t think our solution can be found that way.

Brown: But that’s the trouble. If this is a letter substitution code, then we have the same problem of the mix of letters. Furthermore, the words are almost all too short to be codes for other words. And for the life of me I can’t figure out how a word could be coded into another word. It won’t work. And yet I can’t help but notice certain letter patterns are repeated. The words seem almost forced…"

You: Brown, your analysis is very good.

Brown: Now consider the punctuation, which is occasionally very odd. Why is the punctuation as it is?

Add to that the asterisks. And did You notice? No two asterisks are ever right next to each other. And only a couple of times the asterisks are separated by a single letter…

You: Yes. And it’s always the same letter…

Brown: I also looked back at the Christmas code. For all its confusion, the solution was actually simple. The last word in each sentence was off by one letter. The second to the last word was off by two letters and so on. The code looks hard…but once the solution is discovered, it’s fairly simple. Most of these spy codes are not so obscure. Can this one be the same?

So what does this all mean? I think we’ve ruled out “hidden message” and are left with code. So here’s the question: How can one encode words with letter substitution…yet still get a normal mix of letters? How can one encode words…and still get words? It doesn’t add up. I don’t think you can…unless something is going on with those asterisks! With the asterisks…maybe…

You: Bravo, Brown! You’ve given me a lot to think about.

You say “goodbye” to Brown. Perhaps this young agent will get some more ideas. Perhaps this puzzle is not so damned impossible after all.

Feeling better than You have in days, You return to the stereo and your Pink Floyd. Maybe You can put two and two together. Maybe You can still defeat Klaus and company. But You don’t think time is on your side. The world is in deep peril.

Is there anybody out there?

9

Biotop I just noticed this thread. I have no solution at this time. I just wanted to assure you that people continue to be interested (VERY interested) in your puzzles.

Also, please promise to never commit suicide. Not only would it be a great loss to the world, there’s a chance we’d never be able to decipher your note.

10

Knock! Knock! Knock!

You stare at the door. Who waits at the other side? Friend or foe…or both? As You slowly walk across the room You stop to pick up the revolver from your coffee table. You reach the door, wishing You had installed a peephole.

“Who’s there?” You ask sharply.

From the other side: “It’s me, Agent Brown. Let me in. I’ve got more information for You.”

You: If it’s just the same, Brown, I’ll talk to you through the door. I’m sure you understand.

Brown: Of course. But I have news!

You: Tell me.

Brown: Well, I did some research on the alien technology. There’s so much information about alien mind control on the internet. Most of it seems to be posted by kooks, but it’s hard to know what’s crazy and what’s not anymore. Anyway, a common theme I found is that aliens usually have to implant something into humans to control their minds. That’s the first step.

Then, supposedly, they have a weird machine that controls their victims. The implant acts as some kind of receiver. That got me to thinking. So I checked with Jones’ doctors. They assure me he has had no strange operations. He’s free of implants.

You: Well, it was a good thought…

Brown: No, but listen. I read a couple of accounts that said that sometimes it is enough just to put something in the possession of the victim. As long as the subject is carrying the device, then that subject can be controlled by the alien machine.

You: Ok.

Brown: That got me to thinking about Jones. Maybe he had something strange in his possession. So I went over to the lunatic asylum. I figured they must have all of Jones’ possessions somewhere. Well, when I got there I talked to the man in charge of storing each inmate’s personal possessions. But the guy told me I was too late. He said an FBI agent had just picked up all of Jones’ possessions. An FBI agent named Steele!

You: Andy Wilson again!

Brown: Right! The thing is, Steele had just left. The attendant told me I might still catch this FBI man in the parking lot. So I ran outside, and there he was! I raced across the parking lot, but Steele saw me coming. He jumped into his car and screeched out of the lot. I wasn’t able to get to my car and catch him. Steele drove off too fast.

You: One step behind again.

Brown: I did find a clue, though. As Steele’s auto screeched away, a piece of paper came flying out the window. It was another coded message. I brought it to You.

You: All right Brown. If you would just slide that message under the door, please.

You see a page slip through the crack at your feet.

You: Thanks Brown. You have certainly done amazing work on this case. I’ll get going immediately. Perhaps there will be something in this code that will finally break the case.

Brown: Good luck. Oh by the way, did You hear about all the hubbub on the floor of Congress last night?

You: I’m afraid the health care debate will have to be someone else’s concern right now.

Brown: Oh not that. I’m talking about the real controversy. Late last night two congressmen co-sponsored a bill to make all spy activity legal. Can You believe it? The uproar that followed makes the health debate seem like a minor spat. And yet, strangely enough, it seems some members on both sides of the aisle actually want to legalize any crime involved in spy activity. They argue that wanting to rule the world is a natural human feeling and that it is wrong to criminalize such behavior. Bizarre.

You: Bizarre indeed. I think I better start on this new code right away!

^^^^^

QUID MUST* SNAG HUSK NAVY BARF TEST LONE IQ LOLITA MY EWER COCOA EYE WORM* PUGS ARMS SNEAK RIOTS YET OXEN KIT SEAT GOD YELL SABLE YOUR JAVA HINT DOWN IT GAVE BOZO TO WAG. SAD SCOPE MAZE GRUB MOWS GEAR FEZ PORNO JAIL SHIRT BADASS DOG HAY TOTO AM DATA OOPS KIM AKIN ABES NUTS ACT COLE* OPEN DRUNK CRONE. TEAMS PUP TWO JURY JAM BITE THE VEAL KP VD YAKS DRUM HOW,L OX S’OCK YOU BOY* FLEW TOIL PAT BE SEA. HANDS DOPE GOTH UPS FIAT DOT RIP* OOOOO! TOSS VARY FOUL DUTY EAR HUB LAIR IF MUFF RIDE AX CHOW TOSS QUIP PATE COB TONGS SOAKS DORM HEM TANG LIP BEARS YOGA LINE KAY SOFA TV NAG.

^^^^^

11

Updates:

  • Warden Heinz has turned up alive. The missing man was found this morning wandering the streets of downtown Washington DC. Heinz has no idea where he has been over the past several weeks. However, he does retain a single memory from the period. He says at some point he found himself washing dishes in some sort of fancy suite. He remembers “coming to” and finding his hands immersed in dirty dishwater. He was standing at a sink. Nearby were several dirty plates, some fruit cores and a box marked “Harry & David”. The room was obviously a small kitchen. A bizarre multi-lit machine sat blinking and humming ominously on a table in the corner.

In the next room several voices were laughing and talking. Heinz heard at least two men and two women chortling about how they were soon to rule the world. Then there was something about “red herring words” and “congress” and “pears” and “algebra” and “asterisks”. Then after more laughing a voice boomed loudly, “I’m going to the kitchen for more royal pears. The fruit bowl is empty. I’ll check on our maid, too.”

Moments later a burly man entered the kitchenette.

The confused Heinz asked, “Who are you? Where am I?”

Suddenly there were several people in the room and the warden saw one of the group pick up a chair. Heinz thinks he was whacked over the head. Nothing else.

How he ended up later in the streets of Washington, Heinz knows not. The warden claims to recall nothing about helping Emma Flanders escape jail. He says he knows no Agent Andrew Steele of the FBI. The poor man’s last memory before all this happened was a knock on the door of his home back in February. He doesn’t recollect anything of what occurred after that or who the visitor was.

  • Both houses of Congress just passed the “Legalize Spying and Related Activity Act of 2010” legislation. The president angrily has vowed to veto the bill, but there is some concern that there might be enough votes to overide that veto. Furthermore, some of the most vocal critics of the bill have suddenly changed their minds and now support this ridiculous law. Uproar worldwide is tremendous, but some at the UN are also in favor of “stopping the senseless persecution of spies.” Several more well-known caustic radio and TV personalities are now strangely promoting “kindness towards our espionage-engaging brothers and sisters.” Even a couple of liberal Hollywood celebrities have joined the cause!

If this craziness is not stopped soon, the spies may not be able to be stopped at all.

And it is all up to You.

12

Good News: The Spy Bill was vetoed by the president. For now, we don’t have to let any incarcerated spies out of jail.

Bad News: The Pro-Spy factions appear to be growing more powerful. Instead of trying to legalize spy activities, these misguided people are now advocating something more ambitious. They propose we just go ahead and turn the world over to the spies!

The Pro-Spyers proclaim that the only way to prevent spies from causing mayhem and terror is to peacefully give them power. With one group of spies in control of the entire Earth, there would be no need for wars, taxes, health-care debates or the dreary never-ending election seasons. Humanity need no longer waste time in such emotional and revenue-draining pursuits. We’d just go about our business united in the glorification of Klaus. Society could focus even more of our time on important issues such as Tiger Woods and American Idol.

Now it is fair to say this proposition is highly contoversial. However, leaders from both parties as well as a number of international heads of state are now behind the spy cause. Even UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon (who once punched Klaus in the nose) is now proposing a swift turnover of the planet to the spies and their nefarious leader. With so many of the world’s opinion-makers behind a one-spy government, the public has become largely confused and divided on the issue. However, polls show a continuing shift towards the spies. Klaus may be handed control of the world by the end of the month. Bad news indeed.

Agent Brown phoned yesterday to say that his superiors are asking that all attempts to locate and arrest the spies should be abandoned. The political climate is too volitile. However, Brown and a renegade group of loyal agents are still secretly working to find Klaus and end this nightmare. Brown seeks your support…and of course, You agree.

Now it is just about this time during past spy capers that You have a helpful dream. Unfortunately, the attack on your life and the stress brought on by the prospect of imminent spy takeover are not conducive to sound sleep. You finally check the cupboard and find a tin of chamomile tea. Beacause You have not been able to replace your destroyed coffeemaker, You boil a pot of water on the stove and fill a teaball with the aromatic herbal tea. Soon You are sipping a soothing beverage and feeling drowsy.

Perhaps You will soon get some sleep. The room seems to fade and You begin to nod. The dastardly code that has puzzled You for so many weeks seems to whisper in your head:

(A* SIGH WITH A LOSS*…)

(SANTA FLEX ZEN E*EK…)

Arrgh! The room is too bright to sleep! You thought You were almost snoozing but that darned lamp in the corner is just so strong…so glaring. Wait a minute. What lamp in the corner? Struggling to open your eyes amidst the harsh brilliance, You are surprised to see a bizarre figure emerge from the light. The head on the thing is huge, with black oversized eyes. It seems to be wearing a silver suit of some kind. Holy Cow!. You are stunned to be staring at a space alien!

Alien: Haaixsjeekulequnnu Eriiiikosssspeifa!

You: What?

Alien: Sorry. Forgot to switch to English. I said “Greetings Earthling!”

You: Um… Hello.

Alien: We aliens are sad to see our technology being used in a harmful and evil way by certain individuals on your planet. Unfortunately, by inter-galactic law, we cannot interfere.

You: How about just this once…

Alien: Sorry. But as intelligent beings, we are also interested in coded messages. Cryptology is a popular hobby in our star system.

You: Perhaps you might decode these infuriating messages for me.

Alien: Well let’s see. A bunch of unrelated nouns, verbs, etc. All the words are very short. This looks like a bunch of rubbish and blather. Very interesting.

You: I’ve heard the words are what we on Earth call “red herrings.”

Alien: Indeed. What about the asterisks?

You: I’ve tried all sorts of things. For instance, say there was a word like “T*REE”. Perhaps the star could stand for an “H”. Nice idea, but I got exactly nowhere with that. Then I though maybe I was supposed to do something in the text when I encountered an asterisk. I played around going forwards and backwards and such. Nada. The asterisks are as annoying as the small words. Frankly, I don’t think the asterisks stand for anything at all!

Alien: So You have concluded that all the words are red herrings and all the asterisks mean nothing?

You: Sigh. Yes.

Alien: I believe You are exactly right!

You: But then there is nothing left!

Alien: Nothing accept all the vital letters and important asterisks.

You: And which ones are those?

Alien: Why, all of them of course. There are no extra characters in this code.

You: If this is your idea of help maybe you’d better fly back to Venus on the next UFO.

Alien: Yes, I am ready to go. But first, do you have anything to eat? I had such a long journey.

You: What do you have in mind?

Alien: Well, those spies sure seem to like Harry & David Royal pears. There are two kinds, aren’t there? Red and Green Pears? I think I’d like a red one please.

You: I may have one in the fridge.

Alien: Thank You. Hmm… that fruit seems mighty important to those spies. Maybe You have not paid enough attention to these edibles.

You: What??? How could fruit…?

But before You can finish your question, there is a blinding flash of light and the mysterious alien is gone.

You: Wait!! We have not even discussed algebra yet!!

You leap towards the corner of your room, but then you feel yourself falling…falling…

Thump. You are lying on the floor next to your couch. You must have fallen asleep and dreamed the whole thing. How strange.

Stranger still are the Royal Red pear seeds scattered across the floor.

13

Dear Codebreaker,

I paid a street urchin to push this note under your door. I am sure You are still too afraid to answer a simple knock.

I win. You lose.

If You haven’t heard the latest news, the President has changed his mind and is now advocating turning the world over to me. The UN will have a vote in the next few days. I am certain I will be declared “Emperor of the Earth.” I will be able to come out of hiding and take control of the planet. Those few countries that currently do not support me will, I’m sure, go along with the rest. They won’t want the new Emperor to be angry with them.

I am enclosing a copy of the latest coded letter I sent out. It should be the final time I have to use this code.

You’ll want to hold onto these coded messages. Once I am declared Emperor, You and that pesky Agent Brown will join your friend Jones in prison. The rest of your miserable lives will be spent locked away in the darkest dungeon. You will forever struggle to understand a code that was too devious even for You. Indeed, I am glad my attempt on your life failed. I would rather You suffer as I suffered.

You thought this was just another code, yet another spy caper. But this was so much more.

This was my triumph. This is your Waterloo.

Klaus

±±±±±

I* WIN IS WIDE MEAT EVA SQUAD YEA I* WIFE PICKS* BED USE. CANNY DATA NOUN FAVA SOFT HOUR CAMP AX JOB POST FUN SMASH WADE IF NOSY STEW ERE TUX BARROW COZY GOP POLO CD PET. YANG N’ICE GELS NAVY EASY TREE DROP HARP BID TOSS HASH UPON JAVA RIOTS THESE OOZE LOVE VD BY MID. DANK C’ASH BITE MATH CAGE KIT* BY SUNK CROAK DULL FOUR LIT SAP CUP. I’TS* TIN BONG LIP,* TUMS LORE PAIR FEA’T ANY FRE*E LAWS POND NAME!

±±±±±

14

After years of trying, the spies finally take over the world. You are imprisoned in a grubby dungeon. Fortunately, You have [thread=564804]solved a code [/thread]being used by Agent Brown and the Resistance Movement. Now You wait and wonder. Will escape come in time?

Knock! Knock! Knock!

It is former UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon, along with the guard.

Ban Ki-moon: I have brought You a cappuccino as requested.

You: Thank You…for everything.

He hands You the drink. You see he has also brought one for the guard.

As Ban Ki-moon turns to go, he gives You a “Good Luck” and a handshake. He also secretly slips a note into your pocket.

Once You are sure they are gone, You sit down and sip your coffee. You also unfold the note and read this message:

+++++

Dear Friend,

As You no doubt have realized, Brown discovered that the spies are using a ring to turn good people to the dark side. Through various nefarious methods, the spies have succeeded in brainwashing most of the world’s opinionmakers.

A few weeks ago, Brown conked me out and removed the ring that had so clouded my mind. Once I regained my senses, Brown convinced me to return to Klaus as a spy—wearing a fake ring. I have been trying since that time to discover the location of the alien machine so that we can destroy it.

Unfortunately the location of the machine is a deep secret. Klaus understands that if something happens to the alien device, he would have no claim to power. The world’s opinionmakers would come to their senses, and Klaus would be quickly overthrown.

I finally did learn something this morning.

I overheard Klaus and Andy Wilson talking. Klaus informed Wilson that he has moved the machine back to “the humble place where this spy caper began.” Klaus feels that location is appropriate because no one would ever think to look for the machine in such an unlikely place. He also said it would be easy to guard that locale. I then saw Klaus raise six fingers and Wilson gave a sneering laugh.

I hope that the coded message You have obviously solved will tell you how to find Brown and company so that You can give them this information. For security reasons, I do not know the location of the Resistance hideout, nor do I know how to solve their code. I only passed on the hints I was supposed to give as best I could.

I think Klaus suspects something is afoot, so I dare not meet with Brown anymore. Tell him that if things get too hot for me I may need to end this dangerous espionage.

Good luck. I have spiked the guard’s drink. He should be out cold shortly.

The key You will find in your cappuccino should work on the door.

+++++

You find the promised key at the bottom of the tasty cappuccino. Caffeine and adrenalin make You feel alive and excited.

Before You sneak out the door to try and reach Reagan Airport, You pack up your notes on all these coded messages that have vexed You for so long. You are going to give this puzzle another try. Perhaps there is still time to save the world.

You only wish You had a transcript of your alien dream. You can’t help but feel You missed something vital there. But what was it?

Cautiously You unlock your cell. The doped guard snoozes against the wall nearby. Just in case, You steal his gun and ammo. This may have to turn into *Red Dawn *after all!

You slip off into the night.

15

The crypto stuff is Greek to me, but food words might be important. Also wondering about the Harry and David Royal pears. King Harold and King David? Some kind of bible or other literary reference?

16

When You meet Jones and Brown at the secret airport hideout, it is an emotional moment. The past few months have taken their toll, but You feel a surge of hope when You see your friends. Hugs and handshakes all around.

Brown informs You how he figured out about the rings.

Brown: I visited the widow of Arch Conners. She told me that when she went to claim her husband’s body, she was puzzled by a strange ring he was wearing. She had never seen it before. I asked to see the ring, but she said an FBI Agent had come and taken it away.

You: FBI Agent Steele?

Brown: Right. Therefore, I guessed that this ring might be the item that allows the spies to “turn” someone. Sure enough, I started seeing the same type of ring she described on various politicians and opinionmakers who were now supporting the spies. That’s when I got the idea to try and send our own spy into the Emperor’s camp. Ban Ki-moon has been great!

You: Yes, I owe him my life.

You look around the hangar and underground hideout now being used by the Forces of Good. Several people are bustling about and there are many computers, maps, and cubicles.

You: This is quite an operation you’ve got going here, Brown.

Brown: Jones has been a big help. He and several former agents are working to arrange and organize resistance movements across the country and the world. Despite the phony pro-Klaus news on CNN, we’ve found that many people are not accepting the new regime. There have been riots and protests. I think if we can just find and destroy that alien machine, we can soon revert the planet to its former imperfect but lovable self.

You give Brown and Jones the latest information from Ban Ki-moon.

Jones: Our best bet is still for You to solve this diabolical code. But before we assign You a cubicle, let me show You around.

Jones gives You the tour. You are amazed at how much is being accomplished in this just-developed hideout.

Jones: We’ve even got a training room so that all our spy network is using the “Odd Code” Brown developed.

Jones shows You into a small classroom where an Agent you recognize as Foster instructs several newbies on how to code and decode messages.

On the blackboard You see:

USING -->GNISU
G+1=H, N+3=Q, I+5=N, S+7=Z, U+9=D
—>HQNZD

Foster: Now class, who can tell me how to decode “TUFLY”? …Anyone?

Student: Gosh Ms. Foster, this is hard. It’s like algebra!

Jones starts to lead You away, but You stand mesmerized by the board.

You: Excuse me, young man. What did you just say?

Student: I said this reminds me of algebra. I hated algebra in school. Math with numbers is hard enough without having math with letters!

Jones leads You around the rest of the underground operation and finally shows You to a desk.

Jones: If You want any food, there’s a kitchenette on the right down the hall. There should be fresh coffee, doughnuts, and perhaps a pear or two in the fridge.

But You barely hear your friend. Instead your mind is racing and a voice whispers in your head.

“red herring words…pears…algebra…asterisks…”

17

Hmmm…pears or pairs?

18

Zokbc?

19

Serious question Biotop, why haven’t you decoded the Kryptos or Zodiac’s coded messages yet?

20

Hmm…

“I just may have something here,” You think. “We all been thinking about pears because of that fruit has been so present in this case. But what if what the good warden heard was…?”

Hmmmm…
“Dang! What exactly did that alien say?”