Well, folks, I’ve got the king of pop here in my office. Well, technically he’s hiding under my desk with a handkerchief over his face, but he’s here. He has graciously agreed to give a statement and answer questions.
“I don’t really consider myself a king, or royalty of any kind. I mean, I’m special, but I don’t think I lord it over anyone. I did name two of my children Prince, but that was just for fun. I’m just like everyone else.
I don’t know why people are mean to me. They know I’ve got this terrible skin condition, so why do they insist on altering photo’s and making fun of me? No, I’m not sure of the name of the condition, but I’ve got it. I think I caught it from a public toilet or something. Is it any wonder I’m concerned about germs now?
These things people say about the children are the most hurtful of all. I love children. I went through a great deal of trouble to get a few of my own. I’m not sure what I’ll feel when they are older, but right now we enjoy sleeping together, and cuddling, and playing “what’s in my pants…” It’s all very innocent. My favorite activity is bath time. What could be more harmless than that? I feel sorry for people who don’t experience the joy of children the way I do.
And I have a special message for Paul: I told you I would buy your songs for you. I love them so much. I feel bad that you don’t want to be friends anymore, so I want to offer you one of yours songs back as a peace offering. Please have your lawyers call mine, so we can arrange it!”
“You have to remember that they are small, so you can’t give them too much of anything. Except love. This is all part of understanding what children need and caring for them. That is why I feel I make such a great parent.”
Lets get this straight, you are worried about your children being kidnapped, so you make them wear masks to hide their identity. Do you realize that all they have to do is kidnap the kid with a feather mask on?
“No one knows better than me how obsessed someone can become once they have fallen in love with a child. I hope that if a crazy person doesn’t see how beautiful my children are, that they won’t decide to take them away. Is that so wrong?
I don’t even let Tito see the children without at least Groucho glasses on. Just between you and me, I’m not sure how much I trust him."
You say you’ve only had surgery on your nose, however you now have a cleft in your chin that was non-existent when you were in your twenties. Is this the story you’re sticking to?
Can you define ignorant? You don’t seem to have a very good grasp on the meaning of that word.
BTW your nose looks like shit, and due to the other surgery you’ve had, your entire face looks like a skull.
”Do you see what I mean? This is so hurtful. I had a very bad deviated septum, and it was affecting my singing. The thing I love to do most in the world. I asked the doctor, “just make it so I can breath easier, though I wouldn’t wouldn’t mind looking a bit like Sidney Poitier, but don’t go through too much trouble.” And that is exactly what he did. When I look in the mirror, I see a loving, misunderstood man with hints of Sidney Poitier, not a skull. I’m going to have to cry for a bit now.”
”Of course, silly. But I don’t like to kiss and tell. If you check court records, you will see that I’m described as having a very nice penis, thankyouverymuch. You can also ask my wifey, she has a legal obligation to describe me as a stud.”
“Guin, you are so sweet. You remind me of Liz. Seriously. You wouldn’t happen to have any children that take after you, would you? I’d love to have them out to Neverland to frolic.”
“Macauley and Kieran Culkins father let them share a bed with me, and we all know that he wasn’t the type who’d do anything to get his kids name in the press. And why is it that when a rabbi is born of a virgin Jewish woman, people say it’s our Lord and Savior!, but when blonde blue eyed white children are born of a vifgin who used to be a black man, people say it’s sick and they can’t possibly be his!”
What’s wrong with natural hair, Michael? Why you gotta go there with the dark-and-lovely weave?
I know people go through changes when they reach puberty, but I’ve heard nothing about your face changing into Crypt Keeper once you reach 20. What kind of syndrome causes such metamorphosis? And is it catching?
I’ve heard of interracial relationships producing light-skinned people. Shoot, I know they sometimes produce white-looking people. But come on! All of your children are as white as you! Why, Michael, WHY?! Do you not like black people? Do you think we don’t like you?
If puberty brought on the changes to your face, why did most of the changes happen in your late 20s & 30s? Are you seriously going to try to tell us that you didn’t hit puberty until 1983, when you were 24 years old? And it lasted until 3 months ago? But you had the beginnings of facial hair in your cover photo for Off The Wall, which was released early in 1979. Come on, Mike, you’ve had more cosmetic surgery than Cher!
Has anyone ever tried to talk to you about just how creepy your life looks from the outside? You must admit that Neverland, being all full of toys & amusement park rides, looks like the world’s most irresistible piece of kid-bait. You have to admit that it looks very suspicious for you to live in kid-bait land and like sleeping with boys. And they’re all pretty little boys, right around 9-13 years old. You never have any girls or fat boys over. Mike, it sure does look to the impartial observer like you’re a creepy pedophile. And you get away with it because you’re a celebrity.
”I’m very proud of my black heritage and seek to be a role model. It just so happens that one of my great grand parents was Icelandic, and I can’t help it if those traits show through. My children must have those genes too. Please don’t hate us because we aren’t black enough, I’m just like you only with prettier features, and my heart is as black as anyone’s!”
”I feel bad for anyone that thinks they are a werewolf. Speaking of which, I urge you to purchase Thriller.”
”Silly Guin. You should know that I’m not interested in pussies.
And I don’t dye my kid’s hair. I pay someone to do that.”
Just a minute, Michael saw a school bus and got distracted, let me get him back here…
“Oh, those sound like real good questions, but I’m afraid I didn’t quite hear them. Sorry!”
”I’m glad you like my music. I hope you bought lots of my albums, and maybe some of Paul’s, and those other nice boys from England, whose songs I own. Do you know what I’m going to do with that money? Buy a pony. I Looove ponies, and so do the kids. I like the petting.”
Why do you carry a big-ass umbrella everywhere?
Do adoring crowds make you orgasm? You sure looked liked you did at the zoo.
Did that interviewer hurt your feelings? Is he ignorant?