Qadgop the Mercotan, we haven’t had any recent updates of your experiences in The Big House, The Joint, or Up the River. What gives? Too busy or too lazy.
You are my primary care physician after all.
You mean “my life among the sociopaths”?
Many tales, some too sad to tell. Mostly just basic medical care for those who’ve neglected or been neglected for far too long. Some real losers, including one guy who accused me of sexual assault after I refused to give him narcotics.
Some people lie for reasons I just can’t discern. One patient claimed he had sleep apnea, that he’d been evaluated by a sleep specialist before incarceration, and that he had a sleep apnea (CPAP) machine at home he’d like to have sent in. He didn’t remember his doctor’s name, but I figured “why the hell would he lie about that”, and told him he could have his mom send in his CPAP machine, we’d inspect it, and get it to him. Then he comes back, and says while packing it for mailing, his brother dropped it and it broke; could we get him another one?
Now suspicious, my nurse calls his mother, who informs us he hadn’t been to a doctor outside of prison for decades, he never had sleep apnea as far as she knew, and he certainly didn’t have a CPAP machine, broken or whole. WTF??? When confronted, the patient complained he was confused, and we misunderstood what he did say, which he didn’t currently remember anyway.
Sometimes the system is just so buggered. 3:30 Friday, I’m trying to get finished for the weekend. In comes a van from an outlying county, bringing in a prisoner. A quadriplegic. With indwelling foley catheter, urinary infection, and pressure sores. We had no notification he was coming. On the transfer sheet, the box for “special needs” is checked. It says “needs wheelchair”. That’s all. Under medications it says “yes, on many. Don’t have list”. That’s all.
But there are perquisites that come with the job. I am a member of the Executive Management Team, and meet regularly with the Warden, Deputy Warden, Director of Security, and other managers to discuss problems. Last week we had the annual all-day meeting. To requalify with weaponry. So instead of seeing patients, I qualified with handgun, rifle, and shotgun, and ate barbecued meats with the managers. They use tactical buckshot in those shotguns, too. My shoulder is still black and blue. It was either go to the weapons range that day, or take care of patients.
No, they won’t be arming me if there is an uprising. I’m considered non-security personnel. But I figured as long as I’m working in a high security environment, I ought to know how to safely deal with weapons.
I also completed the training about what to do if taken hostage. Which is basically: Do what you’re told to do.
I also can’t fathom how many employees at the prison, both security and non-security personnel, get into relationships with prisoners; having sex with them, bringing them booze and drugs. They get terminated when found out, and can land in prison themselves. None of the women I work with ever offer me sex, booze, or drugs! There must be some allure to wearing an orange jumpsuit and not having gainful employment which I fail to understand.
Hope that’ll hold ya for a while.
And Encinatas? You don’t want me for your primary care physician. You must be incarcerated to obtain that distinction.
I’m working on it.:eek:
Seriously, don’t let the system or its inhabitants grind you down. Seek a balance between skepticism and compassion. Vent your frustrations here because we love ya and we need the entertainment.
Quadgop said "Some people lie for reasons I just can’t discern. "
Boy ain’t that the truth. As many of you know, I work in a large inner city hospital on a medical-surgical floor that takes all of the detox patients in addition to patients with other medical problems.
I had a patient recently who once complained of abd pain so persistant and convincingly that he agreed to exploratory surgery.
After waking up in recovery with the surgeon informing him that there was absolutely nothing wrong with anything anywhere in his abd, he said that he knew that —he was just wanting the narcotics that bad.
One the best recently was having the sisters of a guy (age 65)with a disgustingly racist mouth tell me that he couldn’t help it cause 8 years ago his ex girlfriend hired two “large black men” to beat him after they broke up to the extent that he suffered brain damage because of it. (no record of that anywhere) Oh and please don’t say anything to him about it–he don’t remember it and another thing We only want white heterosexual women to take care of him. (we did not honor that request BTW)
I gave him thoroughly professional and nonjudgmental care but I did not allow him to use offensive words when speaking to me. I told him, I don’t use that kind of language and I expect the same from you. He was perfectly able to keep a civil tongue when required.
Lying for drugs I can understand, Mermaid. Even having surgery in order to get drugs I can understand. I just don’t see how this guy could get secondary gratification from a CPAP machine! Weirdness!! We even told him we’d search the machine for drugs before we’d give it to him!
And Encinatas, I really do love my job so far. The staff I work with is hard-working, dedicated, and loyal! You should hear the plans they had for the guy who accused me of molestation! I reminded my staff that one should not take personally comments from a sick individual. Then I tried to practice that philosophy. I was really not terribly distressed by the incident. Lots of people were interviewed, my notes were reviewed (I took elaborate notes at that encounter, documenting “subjective behavior which does not fit objective findings”), and the conclusion was that he was “lying about staff for secondary gain” which bought him time in solitary. And I don’t have to see him as a patient anymore, except in dire emergencies. My colleagues, forewarned, will attend to his more mundane medical needs.
And for the most part, the patients are appropriately grateful when proper attention is given to their legitimate needs. And I generally get to go home by 4 PM, Monday thru Friday! 
I have to agree with the good doctor.
I have racked my brain and can not come up with one good reason for a person to want a c pap machine. Most anyone I’ve seen that use them do so to save their lives, literally.
Maybe it’s part of bet or a dare or possibly a punishment. There is no logical reason.
Qadgop, I’m glad to hear you are still enjoying your life in the slammer.
I have a friend that works in law enforcement and it is difficult at times for him to remember that 99% of the population are not the scourge of the earth that he deals with. I’m sure that is a battle you will have to win to.
Keep up the good work!
Well duh. For the groovy fashion sense…
(may need to cut and paste the geocities link to view image)
Maybe the machine was for someone else in the prison & they were just doing them a favor?
Could that ever happen?
Yeah baby it’s one groovy look.
Quadgop, I really admire what you are doing. The practice of Medicine is a hard gig even under the best of circumstances. I can only imagine how much different it is in your situation. It sounds as exciting as it is terrifying and you seem to be handling it with finesse.
Heck, Mermaid! I feel more secure than I did working most other places in private practice. There, the best security we ever had was a part-time security guard who fell asleep in the waiting room all the time. Here we clearly know who to watch out for! (hint: They dress with little fashion sense and wear their ID’s around their neck at all times. Hmmmm…that could refer to a few of my nurses, and fellow docs, too. Never mind.) And we’ve got guards! Real ones! And not just jack-booted thug guards, either! One reads Proust and Camus!
I’m trying to figure out how a quadriplegic (!!) could get into enough trouble to merit prison… Yeah, I know, no telling stories out of school and all that, but the mind still boggles.
DUI?
galen, you are a sick, sick person.
Just picture it - a man rolling down the road in his wheelchair, a bottle of bourbon (with a straw) attached to the side, running down nuns and small, fuzzy animals.
From Raiturs
“Squeak,” exclaimed the bunny.
“Mother of G*d,” were the last words heard from Sister Mary Intifada.
Oh, the humanity!
About that CPAP machine…
It is quite possible he didn’t want it for use as a CPAP machine, but for the parts it contains. Since I’m not sure what goes into the making of one I can’t be certain or specific, but I could imagine everything from sex toys to weaponry coming from the pile of bits.
About the quadraplegiac…
Why do you assume he was in a wheelchair when he was sentenced?
It’s quite possible he was Mr. Bad News when out on the street, was put away, and later suffered an “accident” while in prison. In such case the original sentence would still be in effect.
Point, Broomstick.
Actually, that occurred to me after I went to bed (check the time of my post…). Still, I wonder why you’d bother keeping a quadriplegic in the big house. House arrest seems sufficient…
I actually don’t know the guy’s crime (I could find out, but it’d be work), but I hypothesize its either: Homicide by intoxicated use of a vehicle (which resulted in his own medical status), or a sex crime (quadriplegics are fully capable of misusing the internet too).
As for breaking down a CPAP for parts, he’d be looking at an extensive stay in the hole just for deconstructing it, even if he didn’t use it to make contraband. But who knows?
Ah, makes sense.
No need to bust yerself finding out… The mystery is kinda fun, actually.