Quaint expressions you heard once or twice but use yourself regularly

[Shagnasty]

“Looks like there’s a few chinks in the armor”. I heard a version of that in There’s Something About Mary and adopted it myself.

That just means that something or someone has some hidden flaws or weaknesses. I use it to describe something that appears to be almost perfect on the outside but really isn’t.

For example that picture-perfect family may look great on Christmas cards but the husband really loves hookers, the wife has bulimia and the kids are hellions. Those are some pretty serious chinks in the old armor.

[bobot]

I once heard someone say: “We’ll burn that bridge when we get to it.” I made a point to remember it. I like it.

[Zeldar]

@bobot

I once heard someone say: “We’ll burn that bridge when we get to it.” I made a point to remember it. I like it.

A variation I use for that one is, “I’ll drive off that bridge when I come to it.”

[Shamozzle]

I’ve always liked, “If you’re waiting for a hug, you might want to pack a lunch.”

And if someone is repeatedly doing something woefully inane: “You know, every time you do that, God kills a kitten.”

[Aspenglow]

I collect these out of habit, too, and use many that have already been shared. Here are a few I haven’t seen yet, several gleaned from my late Down Under husband.

“He’s as mad as a cut snake!”

“She’s more nervous than a hen on a hot brick!”

“Hey, you’re humpin’ this goat. I’m just holdin’ the horns.” (Said when you want someone else to take the lead.)

“I wouldn’t want her to fart in my last pound of flour!” (Said quietly when a heavy woman walks past.)

“If you get any skinnier, you’ll slip through your asshole and hang yourself.” (Said to someone who’s lost a lot of weight.)

“Purdier than a speckled pup in a red wagon and softer than a pocketful of mice.” (Flattery I once heard from a Southern man.)

“I’m on it like a fat kid on a jelly doughnut.” (When I’ll be taking care of it PDQ!)

That’s all I can think of for now. There are more. I’ll share if I think of them.

[WordMan]

@Aspenglow

I collect these out of habit, too, and use many that have already been shared. Here are a few I haven’t seen yet, several gleaned from my late Down Under husband.

“He’s as mad as a cut snake!”

“She’s more nervous than a hen on a hot brick!”

“Hey, you’re humpin’ this goat. I’m just holdin’ the horns.” (Said when you want someone else to take the lead.)

“I wouldn’t want her to fart in my last pound of flour!” (Said quietly when a heavy woman walks past.)

“If you get any skinnier, you’ll slip through your asshole and hang yourself.” (Said to someone who’s lost a lot of weight.)

“Purdier than a speckled pup in a red wagon and softer than a pocketful of mice.” (Flattery I once heard from a Southern man.)

“I’m on it like a fat kid on a jelly doughnut.” (When I’ll be taking care of it PDQ!)

That’s all I can think of for now. There are more. I’ll share if I think of them.

These are hilarious. Thanks.

ETA: oh, and one I use with friends when I am going for a jarring Funny: Yes, that’s as obvious as a turd in a punchbowl, thanks.

[Harvey_The_Heavy]

I started calling mental institutions the “nervous hospital” after seeing Slingblade. I have no idea if it’s a common phrase in the South, but I like it.

Of course, everyone says “Is the Pope Catholic?” when asked a question that’s obviously a yes, but if someone asks me something that is obviously no, I’ll say “Is the Pope Jewish?”

[Zeldar]

@Harvey_The_Heavy

I started calling mental institutions the “nervous hospital” after seeing Slingblade. I have no idea if it’s a common phrase in the South, but I like it.

Of course, everyone says “Is the Pope Catholic?” when asked a question that’s obviously a yes, but if someone asks me something that is obviously no, I’ll say “Is the Pope Jewish?”

Just to be ornery I prefer, “Does the Pope shit in the woods?”

[ethelbert]

Hop up my ass.

And I refuse to spoiler that. Are we not Men?

[missred]

@Aspenglow

I collect these out of habit, too, and use many that have already been shared. Here are a few I haven’t seen yet, several gleaned from my late Down Under husband.

“He’s as mad as a cut snake!”

“She’s more nervous than a hen on a hot brick!”

“Hey, you’re humpin’ this goat. I’m just holdin’ the horns.” (Said when you want someone else to take the lead.)

“I wouldn’t want her to fart in my last pound of flour!” (Said quietly when a heavy woman walks past.)

“If you get any skinnier, you’ll slip through your asshole and hang yourself.” (Said to someone who’s lost a lot of weight.)

“Purdier than a speckled pup in a red wagon and softer than a pocketful of mice.” (Flattery I once heard from a Southern man.)

“I’m on it like a fat kid on a jelly doughnut.” (When I’ll be taking care of it PDQ!)

That’s all I can think of for now. There are more. I’ll share if I think of them.

As the opposite of the third one on your list, a friend’s Cajunfather used to use the expression “I’m fucking this cat. You just hold the tail.”

[Inner_Stickler]

So, there’s a radio show called A Way with Words and in one episode, a caller related a story their father or grandfather had told them about working on a derrick with a Cajun and at some point while the Cajun was working up on the derrick, someone on the ground intimated that the Cajun was failing to do part of their job and punctuated it with “you son of a gun”. The cajun replied, “A cajun I is, but a son of a gun I ain’t. Now I’m gonna unclimb this derrick and give you your satisfy” whereupon he descended to the ground and the two of them had a scrap.

Anyway, the point is, I love that phrase and if someone is needling me, I love saying, “If you don’t shut up, I’m gonna unclimb this derrick and give you your satisfy.”

[Soylent_Juicy]

I read the phrase “Better than a poke in the eye with a hot stick” once about 15 years ago and I’ve said it ever since.

[MacCat]

@P-man

“You’ve got about as much of a chance as a one legged man in a butt kicking contest.”

Always liked that one. Many years ago I heard “Busier than a one-armed paper hanger” and a few years later “with crabs”

[CCitizen]

If you are nice to people they will tread on you!

[Last_Glacial_Maximum]

My stepfather was fond of the following saying when he saw an exceptionally ugly woman: “Damn, she’s got a face that would scare a hound off a gut wagon”…

And when he saw an exceptionally beautiful woman: “Damn, I’d like to bite her in the ass, get lockjaw, and have her drag me around for a week”…

The following is from a friend who grew up in extreme southern Illinois {when referring to a buck-toothed person}: “He/She could eat mashed potaters through a picket fence”…
.

[movingfinger]

In one of his books Raymond Chandler described someone as standing out “like a cockroach on angel food cake.”

[BigT]

@Son_of_a_Rich

Something I picked up from my yesterjob.

(bluing mine) And where’d you pick that one up? I like it, and the whole idea of putting “yester-” in front of words to mean “last.”

[OffByOne]

@rostfrei

I always say “Dumber than a box of rocks”.

He/she has the intelligence of the average moss-covered rock.

[Infovore]

@OffByOne

He/she has the intelligence of the average moss-covered rock.

I say “dumber than a box of hair.”

My mom used to say it, and it made me giggle.

I also say “It’s the bunnies” to indicate something is really good. I picked that one up from an old email newsletter from the dawn of time (Yoyodyne, if anyone remembers).

[WOOKINPANUB]

When I don’t want to do something “I am disinclined to acquiesce”, as spoken by Geoffrey Rush in the first Pirates of the Caribbean.

"I don’t know cock or dick about . . . " meaning I don’t have the first clue. Obviously that one is only used in certain company.

I also substitutes swear words with “nertz” when I’m at work.