I have a question: My son recently received an invitation to a bar mitzvah. The invitation was addressed just to him, but the response card asks how many people will be attending.
I’m not clear whether it is expected that we all should go, or that my son should go alone but the option is there so that if we wanted to come we could, or what.
The bar mitzvah is for a student in class with my son. He doesn’t know this child very well, but is interested in going. We don’t know the family at all.
What’s expected?
Also, what kind of gifts should we be thinking about?
I wouldn’t treat the invite any different than I would another party invite to your son. The “number of people” section on the response card is for families that were invited, but if your son’s name is the only one on the invite he’s the only one invited.
I would treat the gift the same as for any 13 year old, there doesn’t need to be any additional significance to it if you’re not close to the family.
For a gift, you can just write a check in some multiple of 18 dollars. 18 is an auspicious number. If you don’t want to write a check, gifts that are “grown up” are a good idea.
As for the invitation: Bar Mitzvahs are kind of like weddings. More people will be invited to the ceremony than to the party. The party will usually be somewhere other than the synagogue. Either way, you can definitely accompany your son. You don’t have to, though. The boys will want to spend as much time as possible by themselves, playing at being adults. You’ll probably find the service pretty boring, too.
As far as guest are concerned, there are three parts to a Modern, USA type Bar Mitzvah.
- The religious ceremony: The Bar/Bat Mitzvah child leads part of the Saturday morning Sabbath services and will probably read a portion from the Torah and maybe make a brief speech. *Anyone *can attend. If you’re not Jewish, the basic rules if you’re attending are: a) if the men are wearing yarmulkes (those little skull caps), you should wear one also. There’s usually a wooden box on a pedestal near the entrance of the synagogue with yarmulkes for you to wear. And b), which is a basic rule for attending any religious service you’re not familiar with, stand up when everyone else stands up and sit down when everyone else sits down. Suits or sport coats with ties are appropriate for the males. A nice dress (not too long or short, not much cleavage (LBDs are inappropriate)) is appropriate for females
B. The Oneg Shabbat: This is a small reception after the religious service. Coffee, tea, cookies, coffee cakes, brownies, etc. will be offered. Anyone who has attended the service can attend. You might want to hold off on chowing down until you see that the other people there have started as they might want to offer a brief prayer before eating. And there’s often a line where you can greet and congratulate the Bar/Bat Mitzvah child and his/her parents.
III. The Party: This can be a lunch, dinner, or a evening dance party or some combination. THIS is by invitation only. And the evening dance party is for the kids and it’s usually dress up. The guest of honor might be wearing a Tux. It’s a chance for the boys in the BM circuit to get another wear out of their Bar Mitzvah suit before they outgrow it. And the girls might wear something a bit more, um, festive.
The Hebrew word for “Life” is “chai”. The 2 Hebrew letters that spell “chai” also stand for the number 18. So a check for $18.00 or a multiple would be appropriate. A “grown up” gift would be appropriate. In my parents’ day, it was a fountain pen. In my older brother’s day, it was a tie clip & cuff link set. In my day, it was a pen and pencil set. Goddess knows what it is now.