Question about coddled children and socially inept teens

I have a complicated question to ask. Part of it stems from my concerns about my youngest brother. It seems very easy for people to assume that if a child was raised abnormally (overprotective parents, weaned late, speech delayed, etc) there will be problems later on down the line. However, I’ve never actually met anyone who turned out like this. In fact, a lot of socially inept teens I knew had a startlingly normal upbringing- their parents didn’t beat them or lock them in the shed, they weren’t bedwetters or nurse their mom till they were ten, etc.

So what kind of things do have links between early childhood and difficulty socializing in adolescence/adulthood? Also, do you think there is a gender bias here? I notice more socially inept guys than girls, but maybe it has more to do with gender roles (girls that are socially inept being less outwardly noticible).

What are your thoughts?

Quite the reverse, actually, in my own case. I’m socially inept and I think it partly stems from my parents not rescuing me when I was out of my depth - I had a horrid time at school, was horribly bullied (not physically), and they left me there to rot. Of course, they were trying to get me to stand on my own two feet, but they overestimated my ability to rise to the challenge.

When I was employed in Student Affairs/Residential Programs (running a college dormitory of over 1000 students), we would do roommate conflict mediations. There was always a tiny percentage of students involved in these conflicts who showed no sense of perspective or proportion (re: problems), no willingness to compromise, a complete inability to relate to examples I would provide, and a stubborn intractability when it came to empathsizing with other people’s viewpoints.

In almost every case, these students were home schooled.

Now that is not to say that all homeschoolers end up like this (certainly, I’m sure there were some homeschoolers in the dorm that got along fine with people). But there was something almost perverse in the level of entitlement these kids I encountered had–everything had to be catered to their will and specification, and things that would be considered “normal” behavior amongst college students (playing music, hanging out with friends on Friday nights, etc.) often was seen as completely unacceptable to them. Basic social norms of communication were foreign to them; they would interrupt, actively not listen while others were talking, and complain incessantly without even trying to solve the problem on their own. They also had an exceedingly hard time when they didn’t get their way, or were told things they didn’t like to hear (like “You’re being selfish”, “Sharing a room means having to compromise”, or “I’m sorry, but that’s simply not going to happen”).

In every case, they moved out of the dorm before the term was over. Since you couldn’t break a dorm contract without footing the bill anyway, they (or their parents) preferred to pay for the dorm and an apartment rather than to resolve their issues with their roomies.

I also have homeschooled children of various ages in my family (nieces and nephews) and though not as extreme as the cases I saw in the dorm, they also have obvious socialization issues. Needless to say, I’m sure this isn’t true for all homeschoolers, but I’ve always suspected that home schooling makes socialization in those formative years much more difficult.

Home schoolers (from my experience) rarely are far away from either their parents or friends of their parents. They are less frequently forced into situations where they have to rely on their own initiative and intuition to solve problems. Home schoolers also tend not to be as exposed to diversity–not just the multi-cultural type, but also a diversity of opinions and attitudes (say, if you’re homeschooled for religious reasons), socio-economic backgrounds (it’s harder for poorer parents to homeschool), or personality types (bullies, jerks, etc.). Dealing with the dorm examples, this was often the first time they were confronted with a variety of peers demonstratively different from themselves, and the first time they spent any significant time away from their parents. The outcome was always quite ugly, since by then, patterns of behavior are more set when you’re 18 than when you’re 8.

There are plenty of kids out there, no doubt, that can overcome these difficulties and have common sense, positive self-worth, and personable demeanors that make such socialization issues, while difficult, not a crippling issue. But growing up is hard, and it often takes most of us elementary and middle school (and beyond) to figure out our own coping strategies when dealing with other people–people you like or hate, people you are attracted to or persecuted by, people whose company you choose to share or avoid. Homeschooling very often limits the breadth of daily exposure necessary to develop those skills sufficiently.

The only thing I ever found comparable when observing in an academic setting was when I’d encounter a student who had skipped two grades (or more). Being younger than their “peers” often meant not being of age to do things (drive, drink) when their classmates could, and skipping grades usually meant you were more inclined to study, immerse yourself in academic rigor, and not get out as much with others either. Being “smart” is often a stigma enough, but being younger (and usually more emotionally immature or inexperienced) than your peers often only reinforces the difficulties of socialization.

Obviously, not all grade skippers (especially if it was only 1 grade) have these problems, but those were the two most glaring commonalities I witnessed during my time in the university system (though clearly, other, more personal commonalities re: upbringing, sibling relations, etc. weren’t things I would necessarily be aware of). Although, again clearly, there were others with socialization problems I encountered that didn’t fall into these two categories; but amongst the “worst” (the ones who had the most difficulty socializing), they usually did.

I don’t want this to be a home school hijack, but the OP did ask for examples and these were the most observable from my experience.

Could you define or provide examples of what you mean by social ineptness? My notion of socially inept teens are boys who express interest in girls by teasing them instead of complimenting them, wallflowers at a dance, angry loners, bullies, vicious gossips. Is a teenager who avoids the company of his classmates, because he finds them superficial and immature, socially inept?

I don’t think parents are generally to blame, provided they teach their children basic manners from the cradle onward. I think the state of adolescence itself causes socially inept teens. Adolescence is a period of change, experimentation, and discovery. For me, it was like playing a game where the rules changed periodically without notice.

I do think boys and girls generally grow up with different values and models of behavior. Ineptness sets in when adolescents find themselves attracted to one another but bewildered. I think that for most teens, it takes time and practice to communicate with the opposite sex.

I saw a lad on an MTV reality show (they are so ubiquitous and my television viewing is so promiscuous that I forget its name) who was saying, “I really like a girl who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to go for it.” The lass he was interested in said, “That’s me. I definitely know what I want.” I got the impression that he and she weren’t talking about the same thing at all, know what I mean? Like England and the USA, males and females are separated by a common language.

What he said.

The plural of anecdotes isn’t data, so take this for what it’s worth. Overcoddled children turn out to be whiney, spoiled adult brats (in varying degrees). Undercoddled children (e.g., excessively strict) turn out to be abusers, addicts, and really messed up people.

I think if you homeschool your kids it is implicit on you to give them socialization opportunities
with their peers in some way: sports, plays, community projects (e.g. litter pickup) and so
on. The problem isn’t homeschooling but parents who don’t insist on such interactions.

I dated an only child once and experienced the kinds of things described in AG’s post #3 to a
T. Having some siblings around can help provide that kind of socialization.

…that said (post #6), I sure wish I was homeschooled. As a sensitive gifted child, having to
deal daily with the morons in the playground AND the idiot teachers and administrators
(it was a religious/parochial school) certainly didn’t help me…

I absolutely agree that “gifted” children often end up having social problems (this is kind of a hot button topic to me because I think too many people just focus on trying to push gifted kids to reach their “full potential”).
It can be hard for a gifted child to fit in with anyone: Too intelligent to really fit in with kids their own age, but also too emotionally immature to fit in with the people who are in the same academic grade. It is important to remember that being good at taking tests doesn’t mean you are emotionally mature.
Both the younger and the older kids may resent the “gifted” child. People don’t like you if they get the idea that you think you’re smarter than they are (and even if the gifted child doesn’t brag about being smarter, attention from parents and teachers to the gifted one can still make other kids jealous or inferior).
Sometimes parents forget that their “gifted” child is still a CHILD, just one that happens to be talented at academic subjects, so the kid might not feel comfortable engaging in childish behavior and activities that other kids enjoy, which can add another obstacle to being able to relate to anyone their own age.

I think it’s very, very important for the parents of gifted children to try to focus on encouraging a well-rounded personality, rather than just pushing the kid to accomplish as much as he can.
I actually feel kind of sorry for them when I hear about kids like the one I heard about a while back who started medical school at the age of like 13. In a way, it seems like these kids are being robbed of their childhood to me.

Ditto. I was bullied at school for not being a local (Irish living in Scotland) and for being tall, wearing glasses, handmedown clothes (I have two older brothers) and various other reasons that kids seem to feel the need to destroy someone else’s life over… D’Mother (who attended a one room school pre WWII with a dozen kids) seemed to think schools were “wonderful” and found it utterly [tears streaming down her cheeks] funny that the other kids at school were calling me names…

The movie Real Genius is a sterling example of your point. Sure, it’s a comedy film, but there are some horribly accurate examples of many of the things you mention.

I definately think that overcoddled kids can wind up being socially inept. My S.O’s daughter is an only child who is excessively coddled not only by her mother and father, but also by 2 different sets of grandparents. The sun rises and sets on this child’s head and there’s no other siblings to steal some of that light away.

The result? One of the bossiest, tempermental and spoiled children I’ve ever seen. If a sandwich isn’t made exactly to her specifications, she won’t eat it. She will look you in the eye and throw it in the trash can. If anything isn’t just so, she will either scream until it’s made right, or refuse to wear/eat/do whatever else it is you want her to do.

I think she’s like this because everyone has always doted on her and she’s gotten used to it. There’s no one around to take the adult’s attention away from her needs and wants. She is the center of their universe, and acts as such. She firmly believes that adults are their for her convenience. She has no concept whatsoever of the word “compromise.”

I have no doubt that she will end up like some of the children ArchiveGuy talked about in his post, even though she goes to public school.

Now, I’m not saying that all only children turn out this way. I have three brothers, but didn’t grow up around any of them, so I was essentially an only child. However, my parents made it quite clear that I was not the center of the universe, and rather than them being their for my convienence, I was there for their convenience. If I ever spoke to my parents the way my S.O’s daugther does, I’d be smacked silly. Hence, I didn’t expect anything to be done the way I wanted it, it would be done the way my parent’s wanted it, and if I didn’t like it, tough.

What I’m trying to say, is, coddling a child is bad enough, but coddling an only child? You’re practically asking for social ineptness.