This jumped out at me, and has been rattling around my brain ever since. WhyNot, I just wanted to say to you: I really, really like this. It’s so sweet, in a way I can’t articulate.
After reading this it made me so sad. I was very young when my parents divorced. I have had a “Mom’s” and a “Dad’s” house most of my life. In many ways it just seems normal… but I cant relate to people who “go home for the holidays”. Its just going to wherever it is my “Mom’s” and “Dad’s” is. I think it bothers me even more because I have younger siblings on both sides and theyve had a “home” their whole lives without the back and forth.
THIS. My life was tough between the two households. When I got engaged I was a ball of nerves about how my families would interact at my wedding. Luckily they were all very mature and supportive, and since then years and years of tension has been eased. I feel alot more comfortable around the group than I did a couple of years ago.
Also this. My Dad cheated on my Mom with my Step Mom. My Dad and my Step Mom have been married for almost 25 years and I have lived thru 20 years of my Mom being unable to let it go. It was a huge weight on me growing up.
It sounds like you dont know for certain that she was cheating on you. And just for the sake of your daughter, choose to believe nothing. Just know that the relationship has ended and both of you (well, the 3 of you really- daughter included) are trying to move on. Good luck to you!
I’m 99% sure, but since I never ‘caught’ them or anything like that and none of our friends has ever told me for sure one way of the other, I’m not 100% sure. I assume, based on circumstantial evidence that I noticed when I looked back, that she was.
For the sake of my own sanity I chose not to attempt to figure it out. I work on the assumption that she was so if I ever find out for sure, it’s not a shock, but if I ever find out for sure she wasn’t it’ll be nice, but I’m not counting on that happening.
Also, it took a long long time, but I have let it go, as more and more time went by without her I realized that we really weren’t right for each other and this was bound to happen sooner or later (the divorce, not the cheating).
But I think the divorce finalizing, just made some feelings temporarily come back up to the surface.
I’m not sure I agree with you on this. Kids are pretty resiliant, and to some extent everyone learns to adapt their behavior based upon the settings they’re in.
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Bobby behaves one way when hanging out with his friends on an overnight camping trip and a completely different way at vacation bible school.
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Tom acts very differently when on a fraternity pledge class reunion, than he does when on a business trip wooing important clients
Parents of divorce are no different. The rules and expectations at Mom’s house area usually very different than those at Dad’s house. I can’t recall the cite, but I read a study about a year ago, done with adult children of divorce and the biggest fear that these people faced as kids were the times when the two parents and the kids would all be together…like holidays together etc. It was like WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE. The kids were unsure of how to behave, because they had unique behaviors at the different households.
My son, who is now 15, became a child of divorce at age 6. Even though he knows that it is 100% an impossibility…it is still his fantasy that he, his mom and I would be a family again. At the same time, he also does not relish the times when we are all actually physically together…like (parent teacher conferences, school functions, etc.) because he feels that he has to find some neutral behavior that will be okay when his world’s collide.
The OP’s kid is still young enough (age 4) that this probably not a problem…but the fact that the EX-wife doesn’t want to pursue these joint dinners should be respected. As there is nothing monumentally to be gained in your daughter’s life by instituting this ritual.
I pointed this out in my post: kids understand that there are different expectations different places–what makes 50/50 custody arrangements different is that there is no “real” place–everywhere is different, but where is the “actual” you? Is it the you when you are alone in your bedroom at your mom’s house or the you you are when you are alone in your bedroom at your dad’s house?
Right, because that’s when the cognitive dissonance kicks in. It seems like some of this could be avoided if the parents did not drift apart entirely. This doesn’t mean they have to stay BFFs, but some idea of who each other are NOW, 10 years later, instead of a vague memory of the person they each used to be.
I’m not saying this screws up every kid in a 50/50 custody situation, or most of them, or even many of them. I’m just saying I’ve seen situations where I thought this problem had developed.
I’m also not saying that I think regular dinners are a good idea–though when it is about the kid (birthday, or band concert) I think it’s probably okay.
I think the best thing is for it to be OK for the kid to talk about one parent in front of the other parent. Lots of these kids learn to just never mention anything that happened at mom’s to dad, or vice-versa. And I don’t mean big things, like “Dad has a girlfriend”, I mean little things, like “Mom buys organic milk now: she says it stays fresh longer” or 'Dad got a new couch. Blue stripes". You want the kid to have one big world, not two totally separate ones.
As if most teenagers are the real “themselves” around their parents even in non-divorced families! 
As I said before, studies have shown that kids are pretty resiliant and can handle multiple households. I agree that the more amicable that the parents can be toward each other the better, especially when they are in the same physical location. There are enough times that being physically together is necessary, and the opportunity for the parents to demonstrate their civility towards each other without having to create ritual family dinners or holidays together.
If the two parents are mature enough to make that happen…great, but it should not necessarily be expected by one parent of the other.
Let a bit of water go under the bridge. We try to go out for dinner together on the kids birthday, the ex’s and on mine, but this didn’t happen until after about 4 - 5 years of separation. Father’s Day the kid went over to see her dad, I couldn’t make it until after she was gone, but she was glad to hear I’d checked in on him too.
Child of divorced parents. The divorce was finalized when I was five (lil’ bro was two), and they were separated before that.
There’s a world of difference between *able to be civil to each other *and still friends. Your ex-wife clearly isn’t comfortable with the idea of all of you seeing each other on a regular basis, and your daughter *will *pick up on that. You don’t need to try to create some big happy family; you’re not. You are now, ideally, two separate happy families with a daughter in common. That’s it.
Just keep doing what you’re doing: raise her well, separately, without making her something else to fight over. Don’t shit-talk each other in front of her; don’t undermine each other’s authority. But don’t try to create some lost sense of community; she won’t miss it, and it will come off as fake and awkward if you try. It’s what my parents did with my brother and me, and it worked just fine.
I hated seeing my parents together after the divorce. It was so goddamn awkward how they used to kiss and hold hands and then suddenly just only said “hi” to each other, how they used to use terms of endearment and then suddenly just started calling each other by their names. Eventually I told my parents I didn’t want to see them together. They understood.
The worst was seeing my mom and stepdad together with my dad and stepmom. I wanted to jump off a building to get away from that.
I’ve been divorced for 4 years now, when my daughter was 2 and a half.
I completely sympathize with your post and now how awful it is. With my experience, however, it seems that this is not about your daughter but you wanting to have dinner as a family. It’s understandable to miss the dinners, etc, but sadly, it is over. Quit trying to resurrect it. You will only hurt yourself in the process.
As others have pointed out, being civil is one thing, being “friends” is another.
In our situation, we are very amicable. I am still very close to his family, I never bad mouth him to our daughter. We sometimes meet for dinner after recitals or the such but that is the extent of it. We always go to important functions (school things, etc) but never together… we meet there and part ways.
Our daughter knows that these are both her homes, that she can decide to stay or go as she wants to either home (provided that parent is ok with it and she gives notice).
It’s really hard, this path you are on. Don’t make it harder.
While it’s wonderful- for her sake- that you and your ex are nice to each other, Maggie the Ocelot nailed it in the first reply. Don’t do it.
-RNATB, proud product of a broken home
The less time you spend together the better chance you’ll have of staying civil. If you stay “close” then either at some time something will blow up (don’t we all occasionally get pissy with our friends) and in your case that might involve some real nastiness surfacing) or something will blow up in her new relationship, and god knows you don’t want to be close enough to be the shoulder to cry on - particularly with a child involved.
My experience is limited, but I would say that doing this would be detrimental to the child. In my case, the divorce was to get rid of an abusive spouse. Having that person around, ever, was not a good idea. So, when I was young, I learned to accept it and not be bitter about it, nor feel like I missed anything. My sister, on the other hand, never accepted it, and felt that our family was “different” much more than the rest of us, which didn’t help her in her adult life (she grew up to be a bitter person who felt psychotic anger whenever she felt somebody else had something she didn’t have, although she’s mellowed out a little bit recently.)
Just a little bit. Here’s what happened: In our family, I was the “smart one.” My sister probably could have gotten smart as well, but she was hampered early by a vision defect, she never recovered. She barely graduated high school. On the other hand, I was constantly being handed things on a silver platter, e.g. advanced/Honors classes, good grades, praise, free stuff, etc. etc. etc. I graduated near the top of my class, and it was a given that I would go to college and probably graduate school. My sister, on the other hand, had to use affirmative action to get into a trade school (10% female or something, she was automatically accepted just to maintain the male/female ratio,) and got a 2 year degree in diesel mechanics, which I doubt she ever does or ever will do (they regularly spend thousands of dollars a year on car repair.)
As you can imagine, she’s been jealous of me since birth, and she’s pushing her daughter to become “the smart one” (she also has gender issues, I don’t know if her son is getting the same attention,) and I don’t know if her daughter has the will, desire or ability to do it.
So the point of my story is this: the longer it takes for a child to face and accept the reality, the worse it will be in the long term. Your daughter needs to accept that you and your wife aren’t a family anymore, and very likely, your wife will find a new daddy for her (80% of people who divorce once will divorce twice.) When you have custody, enjoy being with her but don’t encourage illusions that you and your wife are still a family. My current coworker has a great relationship with his college-age daughter now (and she visits him every chance she gets,) and all he does is dote on her, period. He doesn’t try to prescribe what’s “good for her” but simply loves her with all his being every chance he gets.