I’m odd man out in a discussion on another board. I guess I could just accept my oddness, but I’d rather have a wider range of opinions.
This applies to Dopers at college, or Dopers who haven’t been away from home for very long – maybe in a new job or a new relationship – a situation that isn’t secure yet.
How would you feel if your parents downsized their home to the point where they had no room for you, for holidays and summer breaks from school, if you flunked out, or lost your job, or split with your GF/BF?
Do you think your parents should keep space for you until you’re securely on your own?
Would you feel that you’d been kicked out of the nest if they didn’t?
If it happened, I’d probably feel a bit hurt, but I’d understand. There’s any number of good reasons why my parents could theoretically decide to move (most of which boil down to: they don’t need the space now that my sister and I are gone, and their house is old and takes a lot of maintenance.)
I don’t think that they have any obligation to keep room for me - hell, once I turned 18 they no longer had any obligation to do anything for me. It’s fantastic that they did. Sophomore year I flunked out and did live at home for a few months before I got back on my feet. On one hand, it was wonderful to have that safety net, and not needing to worry about where I was going to stay at that point was a huge relief. On the other hand, I certainly would have gotten myself together sooner had I not been able to crawl home to lick my wounds. Yes, I probably would have felt somewhat kicked out at that point if it had happened, but I imagine that I would have appreciated it in retrospect.
For contrast, my sister disagrees wholly with me (we’ve talked about this). She’s three years older than me, and has not only a career but a career that provides housing, and she lives on the opposite side of the country. I think she’s finally started to get over it, but all throughout college and even when she was in grad school, she was really upset that my parents put some of her belongings from her room into the attic so that they could use her room as an office. (And she wasn’t in a position where she’d be dropping by on weekends, even in college there was most of the country between home and her.)
This was a bit of an issue in my family: when my youngest brother went off to college he grew very miffed that we re-structured the household so that my sister and I got our own rooms (finally! We were 11 and 12) and there was a guest room for him to sleep in when he came home.
OTOH, my parents are on their 4th house since the last of the kids moved out, and every time they’ve been careful to buy a house large enough for one of us (+ grandkids) to come home to in an emergency (and to host Xmas and such). I don’t feel like they are obliged to have done this, but I do appreciate the thoughtfulness.
Almost as soon as I started college, my parents moved to another city. There wasn’t much room for me in the new house. I didn’t really mind. I think I stayed either in the office (fold out bed) or in an extra bed in my sister’s room when I came home for visits.
Interesting post–we just downsized massively since we moved from the Midwest to Boston. I dunno if the spawn feel miffed (they got a LOT of nice furniture) but God knows there’s not much room for them to hang out with us.
I was still in college when my home started to feel more and more like my parents’ home. It was nothing they said or did. They actually told me I was welcome to stay as long as I wanted and the door would always be open to me. But at some point, the way I saw the place began to change. It’s part of the reason I moved out.
So if my parents downgraded and moved to a one-bedroom place somewhere, I’d only be sad because it meant that much less storage space for my mom. It’s their home. It always was their home. It isn’t their problem if my situation isn’t secure. I’m an adult. It’s up to me to figure my shit out.
My parents have kept my room more or less as I left it, and I stay there when I visit sometimes. I sort of wish they’d turn it into an office for my mom and reduce the living room clutter, but I’m not going to tell them what to do with their own home.
I don’t qualify for the poll, being long past college age, but I sympathize with the kicked-out-of-the-nesters. Eighteen seems too young to be left without options.
OTOH, a Bachelor’s automatically changes the status of a child to Guest in the parents house.
Since I didn’t want them making my housing choices for me, I would never assume to have input on their housing choices. See, now that’s adulthood.
As long as I’m still welcome to crash on the couch or the floor, in a pinch, it doesn’t matter to me.
Somehow I think it’s enough that they housed me for all the years they did. I don’t think I’m the one who gets to say when the arrangement ends, I think that’s their call to make.
Expecting them to keep my room for me, after I’ve moved out, seems not very adult.
Yeah, I get that it feels kind of like getting kicked out, but it’s not, so get over it, you’re an adult now, sometimes it feels funny. Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it.
I guess my folks never fully converted our rooms but they did go through some changes in layout and appearance. When I came back in freshman year for Thanksgiving break (I had not been home since the middle of June) my room was pink and filled with little kid stuff. My niece had been living there since the beginning of July so in the fall my parents decided to just make the room more comfortable for her. Since she could not sleep in a grown up bed at the time, the most important part of the room was still there for my exclusive use. I noticed the color of the room and tripped over some toys on my way to my bed. It was fine with me because it was not like they moved into a one bed house with no floor space for me. Being welcome in my parents home is far more important than having exclusive space. I guess I got that from my much older siblings who would come “home” to a house that they have never lived in and settle into a room for the weekend as if it was there own.
My parents converted my room to a storage room once I left.
I’m back for a few months. They kept my brother’s room as a kind of guest room, and that’s where I’m staying right now. I think they’re considering moving to a one-bedroom apartment, but not until my brother and I are out for good, I think.
My dad rented out my bedroom when I went to college at 17. However, he was mostly living at his then-girlfriend-now-ex-wife’s house and during summer break I was able to live in his old bedroom or my brother’s bedroom while my brother was overseas. At the same time he rented out my bedroom, he also rented out my sister’s former bedroom.
Coincidentally, I think parents who keep their adult children’s bedrooms untouched as a shrine to the offspring are lame, and anyone who expects his or her parents to do it is a self-important jerk who has probably been pampered and indulged too much. But it’s none of my business, so who am I to care? As long as I’m not dating you.
Whoops, was this thread just for dopers currently in college? If so, nevermind.
My parents sold my childhood home (bought right before I was born) and moved into a condo with no bedroom for the kids when I was a junior in college. Summer before junior year I knew about their plans and packed up what I wanted and left behind the rest (my best childhood friend died that summer so it was a change of life in all kinds of ways).
So the new condo had nothing of me in it, and when I visited I slept on the pull-out in the TV room. My parents raised us to know we were getting educated and could never go home again, so this fell into that view of life. I missed my childhood home but I knew that their decision was about their life and property, not mine.
When me and my sister moved out, my parents and my two younger siblings moved to a smaller house with a much larger garden that was not on a very busy road. I thought it was an excellent idea because it was much better for them. The house they left did not really hold lots of sentimental value for me. It never crossed my mind that this limited my options in case I ever had to rely on them again. In the off-chance that that might be necessary, they’d help me, sure enough, but I probably wouldn’t move back in. Both my parents and me would hate that, much as we love each other: I like my independence - and they love theirs. So as an answer to the OP: No, I don’t think they should keep a room for me and I don’t feel kicked out now that they don’t.
About three years after I graduated from college, a year after my younger brother graduated and moved up to Dallas, my parents moved from San Antonio to California. In doing so, they went from a sprawling four bedroom house to a very small three bedroom, and my parents slept in separate bedrooms (you would to, if you went through the menopause my mom did or snored like my dad did). The third bedroom was a guest room/office.
Five years later, I moved in with them for a year while I worked on my teacher credential. it was a tight fit, but we all survived.
So, no, it didn’t bother me that my bedroom was gone, because I knew - and then I had proof - that they would make room for me should I need it.
Well, my bedroom is already gone, but it’s still available as a guest room. They do have a sofa-bed, so odds are even if they did downsize (not likely–they built that house, and Dad’s old shop in on the front lawn) I’d still have a place to sleep. That said, it would be a bit odd from my point of view–Mom’s family is pretty large and spread out, so it’s normal to have extra room to put up visiting relatives. The idea of not having a guest room is honestly a bit alien to me, so I’d be surprised if they got rid of theirs now that they actually have one.
Gah, I’m not exactly proud of this, but I’ll step up to represent the spoiled adult children of the world …
My mom talked to me and my brother a bit ago to tell us she was selling the house and moving to a condo. This was via telephone because both my brother and I are gainfully employed adults with our own homes in different parts of the country.
This was so surprising to me that I burst into tears. Literally – I ended up telling my mother that I had to get off the phone because I couldn’t have a rational conversation. I hadn’t expected that reaction at all, it was such a sudden rush of emotion.
Apparently the same thing happened when she told my brother.
About a month or so later, she told us that she had done some additional financial planning and decided, for now, to stay in the house. I cannot help but suspect that part of her decision was related to the unfortunate discovery that her two adult children turned out to be mental cases. And we’ve both tried to tell her that she needs to do what is best for her … but I know it’s not very convincing what with the choking sobs and all.
When I finished college, my parents told me that they were selling the house because dad had applied and gotten a transfer to Brazil. They said that they had wanted to live down there for a while and this would make moving upon retiring easier since his employer would foot the bill to move everything.
They did buy a good sized condo, three bedrooms and a den, but its far enough away that I wouldn’t have considered moving there.
They have since sold that and bought a good sized house and are talking about downsizing to a three bedroom apartment. I wouldn’t mind since I think it would make sense for them.
I’ve been out of the house for awhile, but I remember the conversation I had when I left for college quite clearly, and I think it applies.
As I was getting ready for college, my mother sat me down and asked me if I was moving out or going away to college. When I asked what the difference was, she told me that moving out meant I was gone, could do what I liked for school holidays and my room would become her office. If I was going away to college, everything would be the same when I came back for summers and winter break and all that jazz I would have to do.
I said I was moving out, and that was that! She converted my old room to a combination of office and guest room. Eventually, my great-grandmother moved into that room. So it wasn’t my room since I was a freshman in college, and that was fine by me.
If they were to sell the house and get a smaller one, I’d ask what the heck they were thinking, but only because Dad’s such a pack-rat, not because I expect them to keep a space for me. It’s nice that they have a guest room and will put me up, but it’s not owed me or anything like that.