Still don’t get it. Both from Men and Women. Why on earth would you marry a controlling asshole?
Uhh…because they aren’t labeled as such?
Five years on…“you shouldn’t drink so much Pepsi”…yeah I fucking know…but hey you think 2 cans a day is enough and I think 4 cans is okay…and I’m not fat or diabetic or whatever…
15 years later…
“You shouldn’t drink so much Pepsi”
Yeah, I’m STILL not fat or diabetic. SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THE GOD DAMN FUCKING PEPSI.
Still don’t get it. That’s nagging that neither my Wife or I would EVER put up with. “You’ve had three beers tonight, I’ll drive just to be extra safe.” Is as close as a ‘nag’ that I ever got.
I mean seriously folks, how do you deal with such bossy SO’s?
You move out.
That’s what I did.
Seriously. My relationship ended for just that reason. Not because I/her were cheating. Not because I/her was gambling the rent money away. Not because I/her were beating one another. Blah blah blah.
My 15 year (give or take) relationship ended because when something was getting done by me I was fucking doing it my way and she just fucking could NOT stand that.
The final straw was me “cutting a piece of tape wrong” and me going “what in god’s name is wrong with you bitch?”.
I’ve done it more than once, and I don’t know that’s what I’m doing when I do it. And getting divorced sucks too bad to do it when experience shows I’m going to go right back and do it yet again. But I really hate this.
Which is not to say that the controlling and criticism and yelling is the only thing we have. There are also wonderful things. When life keeps turning out in baffling ways, you don’t throw out the good parts easily, either.
At this point I think learning how to exist in such a situation appears to be a requisite skill, and that’s what I’m working on. Besides, it feels too hard to go around that merry go round again at this age…
There are two general categories that inspire most conflict in couples -
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How money is spent.
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How children are raised.
In general, if you are lucky or wise enough to create a situation wherein these things aren’t a problem, your chances at marital bliss improve immensely.
I involve my wife in decisions. But, I do that because she’s my partner. I don’t do it because of the negative consequences that would happen otherwise.
That doesn’t mean that every meal is a banquet and every night is a honeymoon. I’m amazed at the little things that can drag on and on for decades. No. I will not rinse out the cat food cans before I put them into the trash. You don’t. So, I’m not going to do it, either. It’s been 25 years. Neither of us has ever washed a can. But, she still nags me about it from time to time.
But, honestly, if that’s all I’ve got to complain about, I have to think I’m doing alright.
What do you think is mythical about FWB? I know a lot of people who have FWBs and/or who act as FWBs, sometimes it’s because they forgo relationships, sometimes it’s beside relationships, sometimes they ‘deactivate’ FWBs when they find someone they want to date seriously. It’s not some weird thing only practiced on one commune hidden in the woods. Hell, there’s a whole slew of articles with older people complaining about how millennials have a hook-up culture instead of a serious relationship culture (apparently forgetting the 1970s and 1980s entirely).
I think the reason a lot of people who get into a situation (like a marriage with a control freak) that they don’t like convince themselves that there is no other option as a coping mechanism. If you believe that everyone who says ‘no, I don’t do that, and I wouldn’t put up with that’ is secretly putting up with it or just hasn’t had it yet, you can avoid moving out of your comfort zone by trying to fix or leave your relationship, because, hey, everyone has to do this.
Your wife wants you to be more sedentary and eat more salt? I assume you have a large life insurance policy.
Reverse genders for my brother’s parents in law (among others). I’ve known quite a few of both types of cases.
I LOLed.
It occurred to me during a restless night.
I suspect there are a fair number of people who claim that “my significant other lets me do whatever” that aren’t quite living the dream so to speak.
Yeah, so far they can do “whatever”. But the thing is the “whatever” they want to do is the “whatever” the SO doesn’t give a shit about.
And if that’s the case, good for you.
But that doesn’t mean your SO is supper tolerant. Maybe it just means you don’t push the boundaries of what the SO does or doesn’t think is acceptable.
Mrs. DrumBum is the CFO of our team and I defer most matters regarding finances to her. I don’t have allowance but any expenditure over $300 I will run buy her.
I’m with the people who say that if you are getting controlled by your SO, well, you put yourself into that position. I get it if you were young and naïve but at some point you have got to man up (woman up) and take responsibility for your own actions. Walk the fuck out! I don’t want to be parented by my love.
Plus I see people walk through so many red flags. She’s being a controlling, heartless bitch! Sure, let’s have kids! It’s all compromise, of course, but come on! It’s love, not a torment.
Now I’ve said all that, and I also want to add: I know, it’s not easy to divorce, and it’s not easy to “waste” however many years of marriage you’ve had already. But I submit to you: So you wasted five (or whatever) years in marriage. Do you really want to waste the rest of them, too? I don’t believe in an afterlife, but even if you do, this is the only life you have control over right now, so why waste your precious short days being unhappy?
Ok, so stuff we don’t let each other do. He arbitrates finance, we have that, too. He’s just much better at that stuff. He’s the worrywart of the family. I’ve always said I’m the kite and he’s my tether. He keeps me from flying away and I keep him from getting too grounded. I’m always looking for fun stuff for us to do that won’t bore us and that we both like.
Definitely the hookers and blow. I think I’d rather have him have an affair than get into a serious drug habit or gambling habit and spend all of our money.
And, so, this is why I’m getting divorced.
She wasn’t a control freak until after we got married, and then it started immediately and progressed. Fuck that.
And maybe it means that you picked a good partner, who actually likes you as a person and doesn’t have a problem with the kind of stuff you like to do.
And good for you. Seriously.
But the point being, “you” may or may not have picked an “understanding” partner. It may well be you picked a partner that doesn’t give a crap about you doing the things you wanna do.
And again, good for you. Again seriously.
But it isn’t the same as “I can do anything I want and the significant other won’t nag the shit out of me about it”.
Or one who happens to like that you want to do the things you want to do.
One of my brothers used to go to wargaming tournaments; some of his wargaming friends had wives who liked painting the little toy soldiers but who wouldn’t be caught dead with the rulebook. Another friend likes table games, which his wife considers stupid: the times when he takes the kids to go play with his “strange friends” are the times she uses for stuff like getting a manicure which don’t need him around at all. There are people who like doing everything together and others who synch their “me times”. Neither style would want to be with someone from the other one, but so long as the matches fit, it’s all good.
How is a partner that is fine with the things you want to do different than an understanding partner? That’s the practical definition of an understanding partner, I don’t have any idea how you distinguish the two, or what difference you’re trying to hone in on. If you like going out to bars and your partner is fine with it, how do you distinguish ‘understanding’ from 'don’t give a crap about it? If you like dating other people and your partner is fine with it, how do you distinguish ‘understanding’ from ‘doesn’t give a crap’?
There are lots of people that don’t do nagging-based relationships. I’m pretty sure you’ve convinced yourself that your fate is universal and everyone saying otherwise is in denial, but there really are people who settle conflict without nagging or other passive-aggressive nonsense.
Uggh.
Lets put it this way.
If you get a wild hair up your behind and decide to do X, with X being just this side of the legal/illegal or moral/immoral border and no matter what X is, your significant other is fine with that. Good for you. And for the umtempth time, seriouslly, good for you.
I’m just saying SOME of you folks out there, who have this idea that the SO doesn’t care what you do…well it ain’t so much they don’t care…its that you aren’t prone to doing what the SO would get uspet about in the first place.
But it seems to me like it’s you who’s claiming that if what someone wants to do is not someone their SO is bothered about, then it’s a matter of the SO not giving a shit. Other people have been much more likely to say “my SO and I don’t go banning stuff” than “my SO doesn’t give a shit what I do”, it’s you who’s put it the second way, as if “compatible = not giving a shit”. Uh, no.