That definition runs both ways.
Sure if you are “compatible” by definition you are compatible.
And again. Good for you. Or as we say in the deep south good for all you all.
I’m just saying there are probably plenty of folks that think they can do what they want and the SO will support them (or at least not give them grief about it). But it isn’t that they can DO what they want. It is that what they want to DO isn’t anything that would actually trigger the SO’s “oh hell no” meter.
Are you talking about people in this thread? I scanned back, and I don’t see anyone making the claim that their SO doesn’t care what they do at all, that they could do something illegal or immoral and it would cause no problem, and that doesn’t seem to fit with the original question anyway, which is about an SO disallowing minor things. You seem to actually be arguing against a point that no one is trying to make.
If that is the case, that I am arguing about a point that no one is making…then why am I getting argued back at?
Just consider it some random point by some grouchy old guy and move on.
because YOU translated “my SO has never given me any trouble about doing what I want to do, nor have I done it to them” into “either your SO don’t give a shit or you’re a doormat”
We’re correcting your translation.
I’ve known – and still know – many married men who subscribe to the “happy life = happy wife” line of thinking. I’ve seen it play out in both the best and worst (IMO) ways.
My wife won’t let me cook hot dogs when she’s around, because she can’t stand the smell. So the Firebug and I have hot dogs when she’s visiting her folks.
Aside from that, “nothing, we’re adults” pretty much covers it.
Ummm, if THAT is your translation of my point you are totally wrong…
Oh yeah. That sounds like a healthy relationship.:rolleyes:
This. Or that you and your partner are on the same page in terms of lifestyle and interests. To me, the relationship Anaamika describes sound tedious. I would not want to feel my partner is an “anchor holding me back”, nor would I want to be on the other side of that and feel I have to constantly rein in my partner from “flying off into oblivion”. Yes, a ship needs both a sail and an anchor. But if they are not charting the same course, you end up tearing the ship apart.
Case in point, my wife does not have a problem with me going to bars. Meeting friends and colleagues in bars for drinks is a perfectly common and legitimate activity here in New York.
What my wife does not want is:
-Me coming home drunk every night while she is stuck at home taking care of the baby after she works a full day at the office
-Me coming home late (drunk) waking up the entire household stumbling around into everything
-Getting so drunk I injure myself or others, destroy property or get arrested
-Being so hung over that I can’t function
-Getting so drunk I hook up with another woman at a bar (obviously)
And really, I don’t think I would want (or need) to be in a relationship with someone who actually didn’t give a shit if I didn’t come home at night.
Oh yeah. I’m also not allowed to wear sweatpants in public, unless I’m going to the gym.
You wear them at Walmart. I’ve seen you there. Just fess up 
IIUYC I am one of those folks. I am not prone to doing things that upset my wife. If I were, I wouldn’t have married her.
But she’s my wife, not my babysitter. But she is my wife. I don’t do stuff that affects both of us without talking to her about it. Maybe that means I am PW’ed. If so, so be it.
Regards,
Shodan
My wife is not allowed to give me sexual pleasure whenever I desire it. This is an unspoken rule, and she knows her place. To this day I’ve not heard a single complain from her after I beg for it and she is forced to say no.
King of the castle baby.
Well played sir…well played…
I think this is nearly universal. (And posters who seem to be denying it are either in denial or are avoiding the issue.)
And this is also how it should be, IMO. When people are married it’s inevitable that things that one person does will impact the other. It’s selfish to not take that into account, and there’s no reason the person being affected shouldn’t be able to raise this issue. And Doreen’s last sentence is crucial here. Whether the objecting spouse is being reasonable depends on the circumstances.
Myself, I never ask my wife’s opinion on what to eat or wear, for example, and she never offers a negative opinion on either (unless asked). But that’s because both what I eat and what I wear are pretty solidly within the bounds of conventional diet and food. If I would start eating extremely unhealthily and/or wearing weird-looking clothing, she would undoubtedly voice her concerns, as would be her right.
Well yeah dude. Reasonable people are reasonable. I’m nearly 42, with a wife, two kids, full time job, mortgage, et cetera. About eight months ago I bought a drumset and started taking lessons. (I’m getting pretty good!) The conversation was basically me saying “I want to try to learn drums.” and her saying “Okay, I hope you like it.” We wouldn’t be married if I thought it would even occur to her to say I can’t. (Because good luck with that!) It’s not like I’m saying, “I want to try cocaine.”
The thing that I think you’re not grasping here is that a whole lot of us don’t want to push the boundaries of what our SO thinks is acceptable. I had a solid notion of what my husband would and would not find acceptable when we got married - as did he. It was part of us determining whether we’d be compatible with each other.
I’m always slightly confused by the sheer number of people who appear not to do this before they get married.
If he developed unhealthy lifestyle habits, I’d mention it to him - the same as I’d mention to anyone I cared about, because I care about them. I would also try to stop him from walking off a goddamn cliff. I would probably keep right on mentioning it. If this bothers him, he can always ask me to stop - and I’ll probably negotiate a compromise where I only mention it every so often. If he were leaving the house in a particularly heinous outfit, I’d say something too - same as I would for a girlfriend. Politely, but I’d want to know if I were dressed inappropriately 
It’s a courtesy.
If he wants to take up a new hobby that might affect me in some material way (cash out of the household budget, time spent that I don’t care to participate in, accumulation of hobby supplies all over the house, etc.), I would expect him to run it past me as a courtesy. If I have reasonable objections, I expect him to work with me to alleviate them - if I have reasonable objections that aren’t possible to work around, I fully expect him to take my feelings into consideration. This is a purely reciprocal agreement, for the record. He could still do whatever it is, but he’s going to have to deal with the consequence of me not being chill about it.
I even have a concrete example. My husband shows periodic signs of wanting to get into miniature-based gaming, which I have campaigned strongly against for years. He thinks it’ll be a fun hobby. I think it will be expensive, and result in my house being filled with a billion tiny figurines stored on any convenient flat surface and randomly redistributed by our cats, who view tiny figurines as delightful toys, for us to step on, lose, find in odd locations, and probably replace repeatedly as the cats move them again and again. As my husband, generally speaking, is neither organized nor tidy and is Very Bad at putting things away promptly, he concedes I’m likely correct about my assessment of the pain in the ass factor. He has a convincing counterargument about the expense in that it would likely replace something else in our entertainment budget and not actually end up costing us any additional money.
Here’s the thing: Until he comes up with a doable workaround for my reasonable objection regarding the Tiny Miniatures Everywhere Phenomenon, him taking up miniature gaming as a new hobby in spite of my reasonable objections pretty much counts as him being a selfish jerk. If he does come up with a doable workaround, my being pissed about him taking up miniature gaming as a new hobby would pretty much count as me being a selfish jerk. Being pissy about a negotiated compromise is just . . . childish and nasty behavior, on either side.
Part of the joy of living with other human beings is that we all gotta make compromises. Married people making minor compromises about little details isn’t one spouse “telling the other one what they can and can’t do”, it’s everyone being respectful of the feelings of their partner. I put up with my husband farting recreationally and never, ever cleaning a toilet (despite the fact that I can assure you I am not the one sprinkling on the floor in front of the bowl), and he deals with the fact that I wash cups and mugs he’s not finished using and worry about every damn thing.
Reasonable adults just work out compromises for the areas where they don’t totally agree with each other. Sometimes compromise is legitimately not an option - but that’s not what you’re talking about here.
Also - there are probably a ton of things that your wife does or doesn’t do because acting otherwise would make you unhappy. You may not think of them as things you don’t “let” her do - because she knows they would distress you, so she doesn’t let herself do them. They don’t get as far as you needing to forbid it.
It is part of human nature that we see the concessions others make for us as being normal and right and only what is expected, not a big deal at all, but the concessions we make for others as huge impositions, favors, and impingements on our freedoms.
There are few things in bed she won’t let me do.
Assume "things I’m not allowed means “things I don’t do because she dislikes them,” since this seems to be a matter of dispute in the thread:
(1) Go to strip clubs except for bachelor parties and other significant celebratory occasions;
(2) Leave my dirty clothes on the bed in the guest bedroom;
(3) Stay out late without telling her first;
(4) Purchase really expensive things without discussing it with her first;
(5) Put it in her butt.
Otherwise it’s basically a free-for-all.
Back in the days I was starting a business with a couple friends who once every 6 months, or so, would like to have dinner and then go to a strip club for an hour or two. This happened when we were at conferences in various other cities. So the Mrs. and I had an agreement. No problem just don’t do anything stupid, never go alone, and don’t tell me the details about it cause I not want to know. So that was the peace between us for a couple years, and for the record I never did anything stupid.
Then about 3 years later after one of the annual meetings I was telling about the conference and it slipped out a group of 10 of us went to a club that Saturday night.
“A club?” the Mrs. asked. “Exactly what kind of a club was this?”
“Oh come on, I know you don’t want to know. You do recall out agreement of a while ago on this when I am with Steve and the guys”
“Our agreement………oh yes, I remember ……….but that was then, and this was now” came the reply. “So, exactly what kind of a club was this, again?”
The conversation downhill from there.
That is the one item on the verboten list.