Why are married men "whipped"?

The BBQ Pit
1

Okay, being a single guy, this drives me absolutely crazy. Why is it that virtually all of the married guys I know use phrases like this:

“Well, I’d like to buy a new (drill, TV, motorcycle), but the wife won’t let me.”

“Sure, I’d like to go golfing. Let me check with the wife.”

“We’re going to see Titanic tonight. I wanted to see “Rambo” but the wife didn’t.”

“I’ve got to go talk that over with the ‘boss’.”

I mean, do you lose all your ability to form your own opinions and do what you want to do when you get married? What gives? I understand that two married people would want to do things together and need to compromise on things. But why does it seem like it’s the GUYS who are always “compromising”. Do these men have no manliness left?

I don’t think I’ve ever heard from a woman, “Sure I’d like to go out to lunch, but my husband won’t let me.”

The only explanation I’ve ever gotten from married friends is “wait until you’re married, then you’ll understand”. Now come on, don’t patronize me, there has to be an explanation for it.

Oh, I guess a secondary question would be: why do guys seem almost eager to admit to other guys that they need to get permission from the wife? Man, I think I’d play that down as much as I could.

2

I’ve been married for about 6-and-a-half years. My wife and I discuss nearly everything. We don’t have any restrictions on each other. She has her interests and I have mine and we have some we share.

To address some of your questions:

Money and spending: We have an agreed amount of money we can spend individually without having to discuss it with the other. Major purchases that are not related to the home are discussed. If I buy myself something that’s over the limit, she is welcome to do the same. There’s none of this “well, you spent $100 and I only spent $80, therefore I have $20 left” crap. I never deny her buying clothes (which is what she enjoys) and she never denies me my electronic toys and computer stuff.

The going out thing I can’t help you with since I’m a stay-st-home kinda guy.

As for movies and such, the only steadfast rule I have is that I WILL NOT go to see a movie starring Tom Cruise and/or Julia Roberts. Even though I’ve tortured with Beavis and Butthead Do America and several Star Trek movies.

I have a friend who falls into the whipped category. In his defense, he’s always had women in control of his life. His parents were divorced and he was raised by his mother, and when she died, his older sister took care of him. The woman he married is the controlling type and he seems to be content to live with it.

My wife and I rarely have disagreements. The keys to happiness are COMPROMISE and HONESTY. Failure to do so will doom your marriage (or whatever arrangement you may be in).

3

Selective hearing on your part. I hear women checking schedules with their husbands all the time.

We’re more secure in our “manliness” and don’t need to pretend that we’re The Big Boss?

Seriously, there are lots of compromises in any relationship. Checking with one’s partner before going off to do something or spend money is simple courtesy. I have never heard a guy “ask permission” to have lunch with someone during the work week; there is no conflict. Asking about the availability of a weekend schedule for golf or an evening schedule for cards is simply an acknowledgment that another human has a claim on our time. Checking first simply means that we recognize that they may have also wanted to schedule an event. If one of your events requires both partners, arranging the schedule beforehand will reduce conflicts on the day of the event. If the events are strictly solo affairs, you might still consider that someone should probably be available to watch the kids.

Up to some varying dollar amount (based on current income and expenses) I would never ask permission to buy some new toy. Above that dollar limit, I am certainly going to check before I spend money that I suddenly realize should have been kept available for some other expense.

(And, of course, blaming it on the spouse is a perfect way to avoid doing something one would rather not do, anyway, without admitting that one has “lost” the silly desires of callow youth.)

4

ski… wait till you’re married… you’ll understand:)

Actually, I think a lot of it is simply respect. I say many of the same things because I want to find out if the wife spent some extra cash on a dress or made plans for us to go out to dinner that night, and so on. I’m pretty sure women say the same type of thing, but they will never admit it to us. They believe that they have us thinking that they rule the house. We play along to make them happy. (I can say that cuz the wife isn’t here at the moment). Plus, if you don’t WANT to do anything, “the wife” makes for a good bailout. That’s about as simple as I can make it. I don’t want to ramble too much.

5

My opinion: These men are using their wives as a convenient excuse. They may also be using their wives as personal finance managers and appointment books.

You see, “Well, I’d like to buy a new (drill, TV, motorcycle), but the wife won’t let me” could be code for, “Well, I’d like to blow all our money on fun stuff, but my wife and I are saving for a down payment on a house.” Wife gets to be “bad guy” and excuse against instant gratification. Husband still seems young and carefree!

“Sure, I’d like to go golfing. Let me check with the wife” is most certainly code for “Let me check with my wife to make sure that I have no prior commitments.” I’ve noticed that wives are often expected to be the ones in charge of appointments for the whole family. My own husband doesn’t pay attention to that sort of thing most of the time. If he makes a date to go golfing on a Saturday when we already had said that we were going to Grandma’s house for her birthday–well, I wouldn’t be very happy. If he’s not going to bother to remember that sort of thing, he’d better check with me.

I think that it’s also a feather in some men’s caps when they show how much they are willing to “sacrifice” to make their wives happy. It makes them happy to see their wives happy. However, it’s not “manly” to say that you are saving money or keeping prior time commitments or seeing “chick flicks” unless you preface that with the fact that you are only doing it to make your wife happy. OK, this may be exaggerating just a little bit. Also, stereotypes are not always accurate, yada, yada, yada.

You are right. A womand would not say “I’d like to go out for lunch, but my husband won’t let me.” A woman would probably say, “I’d like to go out for lunch, but I have to pick up my husband’s dry cleaning.” A man would probably think, “I’m supposed to do something on my lunch hour…what was it? I’d better check with my wife.”

6

The things my husband tells his friends about me. He gets some kind of inner amusement out of making his colleagues believe I run his life. It’s not like that at all, but he’s going for the humor.

Kind of like Norm on “Cheers.”

7

The normal marriage is one of cooperation. Often, the guy, uses the ‘little’ woman as an excuse to get out of doing things with ‘the boys’ and often such odd ‘bragging’ can be used to let everyone know that he is happily married.

See, after all, he is a stud and his guy friends know he is a stud, and he cannot get all gushy about be married or he’ll loose face in the manly Man world, so he ‘bitch brags’ and his buddies know darn well that he ‘puts up with the wife’ because he wants to.

It varies from area to area and job to job. Cops, being supermacho at times are likely to do it and so are construction workers and guys working in offices in positions where they think they are Tigers.

We learned through the 70s that, no matter what you do, a guy must act like a guy when other guys are around and the ‘little woman’ is not and that ‘I’m OK, You’re OK’ stuff doesn’t sink in very well within testosterone circles. He can be a pussy cat at home, but when with the guys, must act like a Lion.

Posturing.

8

Yes, but on the upside, you gain the ability to read a forum description.

Off to the Pit.

9

My husband uses “but my wife won’t let me.” as an excuse for no doing anything he doesn’t care to. He never was very assertive, but I am, so it actually seems quite plausible to people that I run his life to the last detail. I have received heavy criticism for not letting him attend events that I never heard of. Some idiots actually try to confront me and try to wrangle permission for him to do something he has told them I won’t let him. I almost blew his cover once, because I did not know I was playing the heavy. Now I just accept it for the most part, but I do ask he tell me what I am not letting him do. It is how he copes with peer pressure.

I have used him as an excuse too. When asked I tell ppl that I don’t cut or dye my hair because my husband doesn’t wish me to. That is true, but I like it the same way he does. Funny to hear all these idiots try to urge me to stand up to my opressive husband. It is to laugh.

10

Whew. For a minute there, I thought people might resort to stereotyping.
If I ever say “let me check with the girlfriend” (I used to be married and now live with my GF, so same principle), it’s usually to make sure she didn’t want to just hang out together that night (I have no trouble remembering when we’ve got plans) - I’d rather spend time with her than the gang at work or old buddies nine times out of ten anyway - or, as previously stated, as an excuse to get out of something I don’t want to do (I’m pretty much a stay-at-home type guy, too). In any case, we’re very open with each other, and share mutual respect and trust, and I never feel like my freedoms are being abridged.
Anyway, people can call me whipped all they want. I’ve been single, and I’m much happier being in a healthy relationship.

11

Let me lay it out for you. In the China household, we have a rule. I make all the major decisions and my wife has to be content making the small decisions. It works well. So, well, that in 8 years of marriage I have yet to make a major decision.

12

About three years ago, in the time of year when it’s dark by five, I called home before I left work and told the answering machine, “Hi sweetie, I’m leaving work and I’m going to stop at Lucky (as it was known at the time) and Arco.” I did those things, and got home to find Mr. Rilch and Boss, who had arrived in tandem not five minutes earlier. Boss leapt upon me to ask, “Rilch, maybe you can explain this. Why is it necessary for you to call and say you’re stopping at Albertson’s, and for Mr. Rilch to call and say he’s going to Dave’s Laser with me? I mean, why do you have to check in with each other all the time?”

We took turns explaining to him:

  1. I’m very safety-conscious. Gas stations and supermarket parking lots are common places for women to get jumped. In LA, one is most vulnerable when one is walking between one’s car and a building. So if, god forbid, I become a victim of a crime, which increases in likelihood after dark, I would want Mr. Rilch to be able to tell the cops, when I don’t show up, “She left work at 5:30 and was going to Lucky on Hollywood Way, and then Arco near our house,” instead of “I dunno.”

2)Men can be crime victims, too: someone might see Mr. Rilch leaving Dave’s Laser with a heavy bag and think, “Well, this guy’s got it like that…” So I would also know what to tell the cops, if necessary.

  1. It’s just courtesy. We each wanted to let the other know that we were planning on coming home after errands, rather than gallivanting without a care. And it’s second nature for each of us to leave “I love you” on the answering machine, like a little gift.

It took a while for him to comprehend this. He’s a playa, but has never lived with a woman, so daily routine is a mystery to him. He finally accepted that a guy can’t be whipped and a tyrant at the same time, nor can a woman be both the dominator and the dominated.

Coppertop, so it’s like a roundabout way of bragging? Like, “Well, I wouldn’t normally answer to a woman, but if you had what I have…whooo!”?

13

As bad as my marriage is in many ways, I must admit that while a lot of the " wife plans out the calendar" dynamics stated here are true in this household, I do go out with friends for dinner. Without wife. FEMALE friends. For a while last year, we were doing a Girl’s Night Out. Me, and two other friends from college, both women.

My wife truly did not care at all. She trusts me ( at least with them :rolleyes: ), and knows she has nothing in common with them at all. She’s met them before and doesn’t enjoy their company.

As for the scheduling thing, I agree that a lot of women do the schedule/calendar in homes. I cannot figure out why this is. Perhaps it’s genetic? Men can’t multitask? Who knows. A year ago almost, I bought myself a Handspring Visor PDA, arguing that I needed one because my lovely large leather-bound Day Planner was never close enough to me to be useful. It’s true, I wear the damned Visor and it happily runs my life.

Except for the family stuff- that is, until a few days ago. I felt like such a hypocrite because I couldn’t remember where wife was. She’d made note on the calendar of her staff meeting, I just hadn’t looked. Like an IDIOT. So, I actually took the calendar down, sat at the dining room table and put every game, concert, meeting and event into it.

Why have it if it’s only reflecting my work load, and not my family committments. Now I feel better, and she was stunned that I’d waited till now to do it. ( To be fair to the somewhat whipped Cartooniverse, summertime doesn’t count because she’s a teacher and so for 9 weeks, I’m the only person with anything like a schedule. Still, I’d not done last school year’s stuff, or this school year’s stuff till now ).

Someone mentioned respect. Good word. My wife shows me precious little respect in most ways, and I return the bitter favor. In terms of coverage however, we both do try hard to make sure that things get done, kids are where they need to be with BOTH of us there if possible.

Buy a PDA for both spouses, see if these little " I have to ask my wife if I’m allowed to go to the Computer Show today" stuff goes away at all. You might not be allowed to go to the Computer Show today because you are both saving up for her gall bladder surgery- :smiley: - but at least you’d know already if one of the kids had an activity that might preclude your having attended said show.

Rilchiam, I have to say that I admire your level of contact via voicemail/answerng machine. At this point, I don’t even tell my wife what hotel I am in. A few times, the hotel got switched and she’d no way to get to me until I called her with the NEW info. Nationwide cellular service has rendered this obsolete. 99% of the time ( literally ) she can pick up the phone and call me. The safety concerns are smart, and if we lived in an area of increased danger, we’d be wise to do the same. It’s an excellent idea, actually.

My .02 cents.

Cartooniverse

14

This is what I was thinking.

Sounds like the married guys are saying ‘I really don’t want to hang out with you, so I’ll use the wife as an excuse’.

15

Yep, this is true for us, too, but reversed. My husband is the “social secretary.” I can’t remember a damned thing.

I have to agree with the above posters that “the wife won’t let me,” is often a way of saying “I don’t want to” or “we can’t afford to.” One friend of ours had a wife that really wouldn’t let him do stuff or spend money. They got a divorce.

16

In my relationship, this is a two way street. We’re so poor right now that every new expenditure that is not absolutely neccessary (IOW, not some sort of utility bill) is discussed, analyzed, criticized, and agnozied over for days, sometimes weeks! Heck, we put off buying this computer for three months.

17

Compromising is part of what makes a man a true man, and not some big adolescent skirt chaser.

Most marriages I know of (that are healthy, anyway) involve bilateral compromise. You may not always SEE both sides…but it’s there.

Part of the equation changes with children also. Doing spurt of the moment activities with your spouse or your buddies is usually much harder. Perhaps some of your married friends also have kids?

18

It’s seems that the OP’s definition of “whipped” is a little out of whack. When two people get married it is because they have decided to make a life together. If a person wants to do whatever he or she wanted without having to think of someone else, then marraige isn’t for them.

I’m reminded of a thread in MPSM where Astroboy spoke longingly about getting a motorcycle but couldn’t because Astrofiancee wouldn’t let him. Upon preview he realized how “whipped” that sounded and expounded: It’s not that Astrofiancee wouldn’t “let” him have a motorcycle. He could go out and buy one if he really wanted to. It was that she was worried about him bashing his head in and he didn’t want her to live in fear everytime he went out on it.
[sup]I would find the thread and link it, but search has been acting strange lately. It’s in the thread Coldfire’s thread about getting his motorcycle.[/sup]

So, is Astroboy whipped or did he compromise?

19

My thoughts…

  1. Scheduling. I generally check with my wife before making other plans, especially if it is a weekend. As we both have the weekend off, we generally try to coordinate at most one night that each of us will have with our own friends. The rest of the weekend is then open for us to do stuff together. Weeknights are generally no problem for one of us to make plans so long as it isn’t 3-4 nights every week.

We never bought into the two people living one life story of marriage - we are two people sharing our lives, and enriching both of them in the process. So, we respect the right of the other to spend time out with their own friends, while other times we go out as a couple with friends.

In fact, my wife even let me fly cross-country to help a close female friend of mine drive back to Alabama (from Washington state) after her marriage hit the rocks. That’s right … 4 days and nights together on the road … anything could theoretically happen… and my wife trusts me. If she doesn’t, she shouldn’t be with me. Anyway…

  1. Finances. When we’re both working, we put an agreed upon amount of each paycheck into a joint account (generally 80% of our salary). The remaining 20% is our fun money. This worked well for us as our salaries were within ten grand of each other. Now that we’re relocating, we’ll go to some controlled spending plan until she is back in the workforce (as we did when I quit my job and was unemployed for 4 months).

Oh well, not sure what my point is here, but there you go.

Mind you, I know plenty of people are ARE like the OP. They truly don’t make a move without lengthy consultation with their spouse and seem to think it’s “wrong” to have your own friends (the grief I caught from my more conservative coworkers for helping my friend in Washington is an example).

20

Ski, this sister can relate. Wives get whipped too. I have a friend, newly bred and married. I emailed her about a coffee rendezvous and her reply was “oh, I’d love to be able to get away, let me talk to ‘John’ about it. Some alone time would be great.I’ll talk to him” (‘John’ seems clingier than most chaps, I must acknowledge. He rags out my friend for not letting him know where she goes when he is at work.)

Now, the married types around here may say that clearing private social engagements with the mate is expected or courteous behavior. Sure, informing the spouse of your approximate location and ETA home is courteous.Checking to see if they made previous plans that may conflict is polite. Having to solicit the mate’s authorization to socialize independently, however, creeps me out.