Super_head, you have the marriage I hope to have one day.
Except, like, not with your wife. A guy like your wife, that’d be cool.
Here’s a married type who agrees with this. I’ve seen a few people who ask permission from their spouse before they do anything. Neither my husband nor I are jailors. We don’t need permission from each other to do anything. We are, however, part of a family. When one of us wants to do something that will affect the whole, then it is only natural that we would want to discuss what the impact on the family would be.
And the checking in thing is more than polite. When the kids needed to be picked up from pre-school it was imperative that my husband and I knew what each other was doing between 5 and 6:30 pm weekdays. Also, if he or I are going out with friends it is imperative that the other know. Unless you don’t mind your spouse calling your mother, the police and every person you might know in a panic at 3am.
This is a classic “red flag” for an abusive (or potentially abusive) relationship.
I know. She poo-poo’s that concern. Her mate is a veritable red flag factory for me.
I know. She poo-poo’s that concern. Her mate is a veritable red flag factory for me. Ironically,my friend got all pissed off a few years ago when an ex-beau-now-good-friend paied off with a clingy wench of his own who wouldn’t ‘let’ ex-beau be pals with her anymore. Gah! I figure they’ll break up eventually and I’ll just leave the friendship on life support until that happens.
Sorry! My mouse stutters.
Why are we whipped?
Some of us enjoy it. 
Seriously though…
With four kids and extremely busy schedules Lola and I don’t get nearly enough time together. Spending time alone with her is such a priority I have reworked my own schedule so we can spend more time together.
I am so looking forward to Thursdays, she gets out of school at 11 and I have the day off and the kids will be at the sitters… I am only making plans with my beloved since she’s warmer and more cuddly and actually more fun than most of the guys I know.
But I digress…
If I am thinking of making plans to do something without her I am going to talk with her about it first and make sure my plans don’t conflict with hers or cause problems at home. She is an amazing woman, she goes to school full time then takes care of the Feynnlings until I get home which is usually 9:30pm. My 10 hrs of work is nothing compared to what she does in a day.
So what kind of man would I be if I just announced that I was going out with the guys on this or that night, leaving her home alone with no reprieve from the duties she has as a mom and a student?
I’d be an insensitive prick, that’s what.
I don’t call it whipped, I call it taking consideration for the needs of your partner before your own.
Wait until you’re married, you’ll understand.
Ever notice how it is men without wives or girlfriends that seem to talk about being pussy whipped the most? Maybe we need to set up some study to determine if this is in fact true.
I have a story similiar to Astroboy. I wanted a motorcycle since I was a teenager. My parents would let me buy one and remain on their insurance. When I was old enough to buy my own insurance and could actually afford a motorcycle and a car my father died. I couldn’t get one because I didn’t want to stress my mother out any more then she was. So here I am married and all set to buy a motorcycle and begin my life of of being a cool biker wannabe on the weekends.
Mrs. Gibson pipes up and says she doesn’t want me to get a motorcycle. Fear of high insruance and me getting hit by someone. And I’m sure if I went through and bought it she’d make me a little guilty about it. And strictly speaking even if I wanted to I could not just go and buy it without her blessing. Any money she or I makes is ours which means that large purchases are something that affects both of us.
So I think about it for about an hour and come to the conclusion that a motorcycle just isn’t worth the disharmony it would bring into my home. My counter offer was as follows. I get to purchase any automobile I want for 5,000 dollars or less. I also get to fix it up over a period of 2-3 years and attempt to make it into a show quality vehicle. She agreed and we’re both happy.
Of course now I have to figure out how I’m going to get that $2,600 55 inch HDTV I want.
Marc
I agree with many of the posts here, but also believe that there is something to the OP, in that men are more likely to be “limited” by their mates than the reverse.
The reason, IMHO, is that men are by nature less relationship oriented than women are. Thus the commitment to a relationship is more likely to constrict the “natural” behavior of a man than the reverse.
Also along these lines, it is likely that because the relationship occupies a larger part of the woman’s mindset she is more likely to have definitive and strongly held views about it - and impose them - then a man is.
Of course it goes without saying that this will not be true in nearly every case.
I’ve got the car I want, the stereo and home entertainment system I want, and control of the remote.
This was achieved by compromising on the other stuff you mentioned (which really didn’t matter to me that much anyway).
This is certainly true for me. “I do not want to do (x) with you because I am bored of your company, and I think you are stupid, and the activity you suggest we engage in sounds hideously dull. I wish to go somewhere where you are not” isn’t something you can say very politely, so “Mrs. RickJay and I had something planned” is a nice backup.
What RickJay said. I would rather hang out with my mate than with you loser-single-boys. See, we’re all animals, way down deep, and with animals there is NOBODY lower than single males. You guys lack any status whatsoever. Then, with your pastimes like drinking until you are sick and making awkward passes at single females, you virtually guarantee you will remain single males. You are, as a group, just too embarassing to be around. However, because humans are social animals we have learned not to tell you the REAL reason so we make an excuse. We’ll even pretend that we regret our lifestyle decision if it seems to make you feel better, but don’t be fooled. We married our wives because we like to be with them. You will notice we didn’t marry you, or even try to.
Frankly. I really enjoy my wife’s company and I’d rather be with my kid than anybody in the world so my decision’s pretty easy.
I will say that on the occasion I get together with the guys nowdays, I’m shocked at just how much shameless oogling goes on. I’m sure I was every bit as bad when I was single but now I’m a little embaressed at the headsnaps by every single guy at our table everytime any unattached gal walks by. And it’s hard to maintain a conversation about anything else.
Hanging out watching football at a single guy’s house is still great but forget the evening social scenes at a restaurant or bar. They’re just not that fun anymore.
When I was still attached, though not married, I pretty much always preferred spending time with the GF than with my other friends. People were usually really understanding when I told them that I had already committed to do something with her.
They are less understanding of the fact that I prefer my own company than theirs.
Sounds like you could use a PRETEND girlfriend! Just remember to use a different name every time. You’ll sound like a real stud to the guys.
“Oh, Daisy? She’s so last week! No, I’ll be out with Miriam.”
What gets me are car salesmen who pull that macho, “What, you can’t make a decision on your own?” shit when you say that you have to check with your wife before you drop a few years’ pay on that Ferrari. You can tell the married ones because they know you had no intention of buying it and just wanted a test drive, but also had the perfect way to back out. They don’t waste time fighting and just kiss the potential sale goodbye.
I don’t mind being called “whipped”. Let’s face it, I can’t be whipped if I’m not in a relationship where I get to have sex. It actually implies not doing something else for the sake of sex.
With that in mind, let’s look at one of the quotes ski presents us with:
“Sure, I’d like to go golfing. Let me check with the wife.”
Personally, I’d never say this. I’d say something like:
“Why the hell would I want to go golfing?? I could be having sex! Are you stupid or something?”
Emphasis mine
Amen! I was married to a guy like that. He would go out with his buddies whenever he wanted without giving me any notice of it. His friends and his beer came before his wife and his daughter. Needless to say, we’re no longer married.
My current SO and I discuss all the major household purchases but we do have our own money to spend on what we want. We always let each other know where we’re going to be or if we’re running late and we always check with each other before making plans. We do this out of respect for each other and our relationship.
Well, ladies, gentlemen, and ski, there certainly seems to be here a lot of well-reasoned refutations of what one would call, on the surface, the classic “whipped” situations. Many of the facts presented here are true: spouses are used as foils, defenses, social calendars, etc.
My story was different. Or rather, the same - as the stereotype.
For many years, I longed for freedoms I did not have. Could I have, with a casual phone call, informed the ex that I’d be stopping at a bar for a couple cold ones with the fellas before arriving home? No.
Could I have partaken in thrilling, though physically dangerous activities, such as skydiving and bungee jumping? No.
Could I have gone on unattended evenings out, with females of the opposite sexual persuasion? Could I have entered facilities where certain other types of females could be paid to remove clothes - regardless of how pure and faithful I was in my heart? No.
The list goes on. And of course, I recognize the obvious refutation here - that I certainly could have, there were no physical restraints around me. But the fact is that I knew what I would have to go through for my moments in the sun: icy silences on the phone, followed by “Fine. Do whatever you want.” Hours of haranguing later on. Shouting. Tears (some of them mine). Withholding of physical closeness. Impenetrable arguments, both logical and emotional based, that I could not hope to succeed against. (She’s both smarter and deeper-feeling than I. Also more needy and less trusting.) In short, I faced misery.
So I accepted my destiny. I was the perfect whipped husband. And yet, this is not what drove us apart. That was a totally different matter. Nor do I dislike my ex for the reasons above. We have a fantastic ex-marriage. We’re better friends now than we ever have been. We just don’t mesh perfectly as man and wife.
The fact is, contrary to everything posted above me, there’s a reason for the stereotype. For some people, life is just like a bad sitcom in some ways.
Oh, and since this IS The Pit: thanks for bringing up all that bad emotional shit, you purulent fuck drops!
- Dave
(who in the end, was the one who GOT cheated on)
To start, I empathize with, and largely identify with, most of the “partnership-not-whipped” posts, but my view on entering marriage was a little different.
Not being able to do what I wanted, when I wanted, without checking to avoid offending my wife, was one of the chains I took-up willingly. I was entering into a partnership where I expected to be in harness with an equal, and that means checking to make sure I’m pulling my share of the load. There are times when that self-imposed obligation weighs more than at other times, there are times when it chafes and binds, but those times are more than compensated for by the times when my load is easier than I expected, when I stumble, only to find that my wife just picked up more than her share until I get back up again. In-between those extremes is a warm and cozy life, full of love and respect, far easier, sweeter, and more fulfilling than it would be without her.
Yup, my wife holds the key to my chains, chains that I wrapped about my own soul, and wouldn’t surrender for anything I can name. I gave her that key. She gave me hers.
My husband and I give ourselves a weekly allowance to spend on anything we want, my only rule being no prostitutes.
This way, we never have to fight over money or ask the other’s permission for buying something only one of us would enjoy. (I bought Bridget Jones’ Diary. He groaned.)
I wasn’t bothered by the fact that my husband went to a strip club for a friend’s bachelor party; I even insisted he tip the ladies as it’s only polite. But I would be bothered if he went to lunch with a woman alone. That smacks of a date to me.
My husband has used the “I’d better get home before my wife kills me,” line with friends to keep from being stuck for hours trying to do something he doesn’t want to do. He also checks with me before deciding to go to friends’ houses because I keep track of what we have to do. If we had to go visit family and he made plans with friends anyway, he’d have to cancel. Better to verify first.