Father: Drugs are bad.
Whenever we hit our heads as kids, Dad would say “Stop cryin’ - You can’t hurt an Irishman by hitting him in the head.”
That one turned out to be true. 
Did he add, “M’kay”?
Because you sat too close to the TV, right? Or read in insufficient lighting?
I heard this from my parents and my misguided teachers who were trying to help skinny old me (that was before the metabolism hit me) not get beat up so often. Or worse…there was one bully who would follow me home and attempt to either hit me with horseapple and toss sticks into the spokes of my bike so I’d fall over.
IDBB
Eat those bread crusts, they’ll make your hair curley.
Stupid me took till about the age of 13 to figgure out she was full of it, and probly saying it so she didn’t have to cut the suckers off.
My version of this deals with bad advice from step-parents being overruled by my biological parents’ sense. For 8th grade graduation ('98), my dad gave me a bit of stock in Cisco, went up something like 300% over the next few years, during which time my stepdad was continuously saying that “the bubble’s gonna burst, get out while you can.” Ignoring him put about ten grand in my pocket.
My mom was told by her parents “Don’t eat raw cookie dough. Your body can’t digest it, and it will sit in a lump in your stomach. Eventually you won’t have enough room for food.” I don’t know whether to be more boggled at that assertion or the fact that she was almost 20 before she figured out it wasn’t true.
Ironically, the mention of furniture (and the fact I have 10 boxes of Club 8 dressers stacked downstairs in need of assembly) reminded me of this one:
From Dad: “Assembly Directions Are For Idiots”
Huh? Sorry Dad, maybe you get a thrill outta making believe you’re some kind of engineer, but I’ll stick with Step 1, Step 2, Step 3…thanks. Even if the directions are crudely drawn & vague pictures that don’t contain text, I still think they’re a big time-saver.
“It’ll put hair on your chest!” That was all I ever heard even though I’m female. I was supposed to take it to mean it would make me big and strong but I took it to mean it would put hair on my chest.
My mother misled me greatly. Masturbation is only normal for teenage boys and even they grow out of it. Liking pictures of naked women means you’re gay. When a man and a woman have sex it releases chemicals that make them love each other. Only married women can buy and use tampax. Smoking is not addictive for most people and only a few get hooked.
You can’t go swimming until 1/2 hour after you’ve eaten
or
- If the sky is pink at night, it’s gonna rain the next day.
Coors Light, please.
No, no, no. You’ve got it the wrong way around. Pink sky at night = 'Sailors Delight" (a fine day tomorrow). It’s the pink sky in the morning that heralds rain later on.
I had the chance to start college a year early. I wanted to take it and get out of my high school—which I hated. My mom wouldn’t let me. Reason? “I want you to have the Full High School Experience.”
I spent the whole year being miserable, especially one teacher who decided to make my life hell. Thanks, mom! I didn’t start school early, but at least I got the FHSE!
GMRyujin, it sounds like your mom knew my dad (or maybe they went to high school together at Heaven on Earth High).
“Don’t confront them. Just walk away. They aren’t worth getting in a fight with.”
i.e. Don’t stand up for yourself. Right, Mom & Dad?
So what do I do while they’re lobbing big green walnuts at me while I’m walking away? you saw the dent they put in my lunchbox, guess you’re grateful I can’t show evidence of the dent I got in my head? Yeah, thanks for sticking up for me by going to tell the principal what happened. I’m sure he was glad to see you, again. HE took me aside one day & told me to stand up to bullies, but how was I supposed to choose between his advice and that of my parents? And it’s not like I knew HOW to stand up for myself, no one ever showed me how to go about it. Yeah, I did ONE time in grade school, just stood my ground while some kid whailed on me, not that I took much damage, but I didn’t hit back, and I still got in-school suspension and didn’t THAT mortify you two…? Or maybe it didn’t, but I still never heard whether I did the right or the wrong thing. Funny, though, I did once in HS, again just standing my ground, not taking the shit being thrown at me… Y’know I didn’t realize until well after HS that the jerks I stood up to never bothered me again.
Thanks so much for the socialization skills. Guess the biggest lesson I ever learned was: Keep your head down, avoid confrontation, take whatever they throw at you because it’s easier than trying to defend yourself or your family… No, you never said these things out loud, but I sure learned them well just the same.
Oh no, that’s the real irony. She hated high school too. Doesn’t go to any of the reunions, doesn’t talk to anyone from high school, etc.
The real reason is she didn’t want to buy me a car (I was 17, licensed, no accidents, etc.) and moving me on-campus (which I was quite willing to do) was too much work.
…not trying to be pissy or anything, but…technically, you didn’t ignore him. The bubble did burst and you did get out while you could.
Her reason was wrong but her instruction was essentially sound. Raw cookie dough usually contains uncooked eggs. For most people, uncooked eggs do a number on your plumbing.
Carry on.
What about mayo?
Indeed, a question that has dogged philosophers for centuries, what about mayo!
[hijack]
Mmm. The movie theater I go to sells these candies that taste like chocolate covered cookie dough, but aren’t dangerous or refridgerated or anything. The wonders of modern candy. And they’re darn tasty.
Carry on.
I gotta take exception here- I believe that it is the hightened risk of salmonella which makes raw eggs unsafe, and I for one have never run into any ‘plumbing problems’ in a lifetime of sampling raw batters and doughs.