It is tough to have the F-Y attitude about a person who is often a “nice” person when they are sober. Their family often has mixed emotions about the addict. Mostly they dislike the actions that the drug-of-choice causes in the addict.
In my case it was the person. He was an A-H ALL the time. Well, at least after I turned 14. Before that he could be a nice fellow.
Advice threads go best in IMHO rather than General Questions. Moved.
samclem moderator
I suggest you do it, and do it legally and thoroughly. I don’t think you’ll regret it for a moment once it’s done.
I also switched a long, difficult to pronounce and spell name for a short, easy one (though I did it because of marriage). I’m glad every time I sign my name.
I could have written your OP over 10 years ago. My choice in the situation was to change my surname legally and never told my father. He lived for 6 years without knowing I had changed my name; he died without ever finding out.
I rarely saw him, he had no reason to ever visit my house or accidentally see any paper work with my name on it. The biggest hole in the plan is: the rest of the family. Will someone ‘out’ you? They may do it to protect themselves or to harm you or to harm your father (rejecting your father’s surname is likely to cause insult in most cultures).
I changed mine legally as I wanted to establish a career using my new name. Interestingly my degrees are in my previous name and I’ve never had anyone even know (shows how few employment checks are run, given I have changed jobs numerous times). For some reason all my friends who changed their names when married complain about how difficult it was to change their documents - I did not find it a huge issue (my motivation was quite different) - sure you have to provide numerous certified copies of the change of name document and you have to write to banks etc - but that is no worse than constantly spelling my name and being sniggered at.
I LOVE my new name … I love saying my new name … I love the identity I have created with that name change. My family kept my secret and my dad died in ignorance. I did not want my name change to hurt him but rather a creation of an identity I wanted to be associated with.
If you change it legally - can you tell your family that you are just using it as a pen-name? (it seem easier to lie to family than try to explain to workplaces, banks, passport, travel etc) Can you keep a secret? I rarely tell people I’ve changed my name, if I do - the first thing they do is demand to know what the old name was - and I wont tell them (why change my name if I wanted to be still associated with that horror?). I have chosen to reveal my name when starting a new relationship (they would have found out once they identified my siblings).
Looking back, it is absolutely one of THE best decisions I have ever made!
One thing to be prepared for if you change your name is that there will inevitably be people who want to discover your “real” name or want to insist on calling you by your “real” name, that is, your birth name rather than your legal name. Some of them will even go around telling everyone else your “big secret” and trying to get everyone to call you by your former name. I used to work with a man who was an aspiring opera singer who changed his name to the Italian version of his name (in other words, for professional reasons) and at his day job, our mutual workplace, there were two people always going about insisting we call him by his “real” name. Frankly, they were a pain in the butt for all of us.
Now, the good news is that these people are rare, and less likely to crop up if you move elsewhere after a name change.
The bad news is that such a person can make you seem to be a liar or deceitful, that you have “something to hide” in some contexts.
This seems to be more of a problem for men than women - women have a cultural permission to change their names at marriage whereas men do not. I suggest being firm and saying “please use my legal name”. If they want to know why you changed your name you can either go with “mind your own business” or, in your case, “I wanted something the average person could spell/pronounce”.
It may never be a problem for you, but I just thought I’d mention it.
This thread reminds me of ‘Raising Arizona’:
FBI Agent: Sir, we discovered you were born Nathan Huffheins.
Nathan Arizona Sr.: Yeah, I changed my name. What of it?
FBI Agent: Can you give us an indication why?
Nathan Arizona Sr.: Would you shop at a store called Unpainted Huffheins?
Sounds like a good response to people mentioned in the last couple of posts.
I changed my first and middle names ten years ago without telling my family. They didn’t find out until several years later, and the only reason that happened was because my mother booked a flight for me for my grandmother’s funeral and I had to call the airline and get the name straightened out (which unfortunately required bringing her on the line). She freaked out mildly, but settled down after a while. The most annoying thing is her insistence to either use my birth name or a combination of birth and legal; she even puts a slash between them when emailing me, which makes NO SENSE because that’s more of an effort that just using the legal name.
I say go for it and don’t say anything to the family. It was the best decision I ever made, and the majority of my friends now are shocked when I mention that I changed my name- they can’t even imagine me as “birth name.”
This is a fleeting visit to say “cheers”; I don’t have interweb access at home for a week or two so I’m in an internet cafe and copied and pasted your responses to my kindle for reading tonight. Many thanks for the replies. Hopefully I’ll get to respond properly in a few days.
Why would he ever even find out? Do people make a habit of referring to you by your last name? Does he give you checks or buy you airplane tickets a lot?
I didn’t change my name when I got married, and told everyone that, and I think my in-laws (six years later) are still under the impression that I did (even though I told them I wasn’t going to, they don’t have the greatest memories), as they always address things to me (e.g., birthday card) to Myfirstname Hislastname. People don’t tend to police other people’s last names, in my experience.
I say change it and don’t tell him, and in general don’t make a big deal about it with his family (if you think it might come up with your dad – “Oh hey bro, isn’t it weird that Tanhauser changed his name?”). And, I mean, usually I’m a big fan of full disclosure! But here I don’t see how it would do any good.
Many thanks for all of your thoughtful responses. I was convinced at first that I’d have to have a one-on-one and bring this up with him, but I realise now it’s much better to just do it, move away, live my own life and let the chips fall where they may.
The main problem is the niggling cognitive dissonance or sense of hiding something that might gnaw at me, but I could be wrong; my imagination may build that up more than the reality would be.
To respond to one poster: the F-you attitude is difficult, mainly because he’s good at emotional manipulation and knows how to gain sympathy and also because, though I’ve painted a bad picture of him, people are more complicated than a brief summary will allow, and he’s not all bad, he morally does the best he can with the psychological machinery he’s got. Things would be much easier (and not just for my change of name) if he was uniformly a complete piece of shit, but he’s not.
Why does your dad even have to know about it? Since I moved out of my childhood home, the only thing my parents have ever put my last name on are birthday cards. You’re claiming that your father is good at manipulation, but you’re also complicit in letting him manipulate you. You’ve gotta toughen up your defenses and establish boundaries–therapy is good for this. Nobody in the history of mankind, with very few highly-notable exceptions, is a universal piece of shit. That doesn’t mean you have to let him treat you poorly, though.
I mean, this is really very simple, even if it doesn’t feel that way. You know how he would react if you told him about this. The solution is to refrain from telling him about it. If someone else tells him and he calls you screaming, you hang up on him (or if it’s in person, you physically remove yourself from the situation–drive home, get a hotel room, whatever). Optionally, before hanging up/walking out, you can tell him, “Call me back when you’re ready to talk about this without screaming.” If doing that sounds inconceivable to you, it’s because you’re used to letting him manipulate you. Again, therapy. You can train abusive parents to treat you like an adult who is deserving of respect (I know, I’ve done it), but it takes time and fortitude.
Not sure what the big deal is.
People change their last names every day…most when they get married (although I think the trend today is for some to keep their last name).
Tons of actors/singers/artists change their names.
Lots of immigrants change their last names if it is too difficult to pronounce/write in the country where they live.
Many change last names for professional reasons - why Anthony Weiner never thought of that is a mystery.
If family members are unhappy - so be it. I mean, it is not exactly like you are from a royal family, nor will the inheritance or trust fund be cut off if you do so.
If everyone in your family had a huge nose, and you had plastic surgery to make it look more normal, would they equally be upset that you no longer looked like them? And if so, would you give a shit what they think?
Pick your own nose - and pick your own name.
I agree; just do it and don’t tell your family. Very unlikely it would matter. My father changed his name about when I was born. Not legally. For me this means that every single record, except my birth certificate, is in the new name. Once I got a passport issued in the new name, it no longer mattered. I got that passport in 1964, easier times, although I had to provide affidavits from two people who knew me under both names (my parents, the only two such people in the world).
I don’t know about laws where you are but a second cousin of mine uses her husband’s name for all social and family interaction. She uses her maiden name in her profession(TV news anchor). I’ve heard of women doctors doing similar things.
Could this be an option? Use one name for family, but have a legal professional name?
I’d legally change it and socially use your old last name around your family.
MANY married women do some form of this - they either change it, but are still known by their family and friends as “Cindy Martin” because no one can pronounce the last name of the bozo she married - or they don’t, and are known in social circles as Cindy Smith - because people assume you took your husband’s name and its easier if your kid’s friends’ parents and their teachers and your husband’s coworkers call you Cindy Smith.
(I’m one of those women - kept my maiden name - but my husband’s coworkers and my kids teachers all know me with his last name. I answer to it. Its just easier.)
But since you want the break - and you want it at work - I’d do a legal change.
I grew up hating my father because he was a horribly spoiled little boy inside a man’s body. By the time I started first grade, he was drinking heavily and couldn’t hold any sort of regular job. He would come home drunk in the middle of the night and my mom was always ready for a fight! They would usually have a physical altercation and dad rarely managed to hit mom, but she started swinging and throwing anything she could get her hands on and didn’t stop until he went down and STAYED down!
They divorced when I was 15 and my mom was actually planning to keep his last name (Reece) so she would still have the same last name as me! Instead, I convinced her to revert back to her maiden name (Davis) and also change my last name to Davis. At the age of 15, I went from being Jason Reece to Jason Davis.
I never told my grandfather about it because it woud have hurt his feelings. I didn’t consider anything but my hatred toward my father in making the name change.
I continued using the surname Davis as an adult. In 2000, I met a great guy (I’m gay) and we eventually moved in together as a ‘married’ couple. We even hyphenated our last names, so I became Jason Davis-Holcombe. It was the ‘in’ thing to do back then but in reality it was a pain in the ass, especially when I hadd to sign my full legal name on anything!
Our relationship ended amicably in 2004 and, once again, a name change was necessary. By that time, I was 30 and I had spent a lot of time researching my family history including the ‘Reece’ line. My grandpa had been dead for six years and I missed him every day (and still do). Out of love and respect for him and my ancestors from his side of the family, I returned to my original surname of Reece.
My mom remarried within a year of leaving my dad. My step-dad was and is the closest thing to a REAL dad that I’ve ever had and I refer to him and my mom collectively as my “parents”. I’m not crazy about his last name (Dills, like a pickle in plural form) but I do love him. So when I returned to using Reece, I also added Dills as my second middle name. So my legal name is Jason (middle name) Dills Reece. But I sign my name as JD Reece now, mainly because I’m lazy…
Thanks for sharing your story Jason, that’s interesting. Reece is a cool name too, like the leader of the resistance in Terminator
Many thanks for the great replies in this thread, you’ve emboldened me and clarified the issues and brightened my mood, because this shit’s been driving me crazy.
The plan is to legally change it and have one name for family and use a legal professional name.
I suppose the last main source of conflict I have–and this may sound minor at first–is that changing my social networks like Facebook will have some people asking what the deal is, including some family members I have on it. I barely use the site, but it’s too useful to get rid of. I changed my name on it recently, I don’t want to use my family name on it, but I haven’t yet used the site publicly under my new name. :-/ :-\
You could phrase it nicely:
Mary Poopinghead (aka Maria Le Grande)
This is what i came to say, divorce your father and change your name.
Tanhauser, I realize you’ve already made your decision, but I want to give you a couple anecdotes in support -
A gentleman I work with needed to break with his father, and did not want to be associated with him any longer. Our site admin had no problem submitting the same kind of ticket she does for folks who get married to get his email changed, and all his “official work stuff” changed to his new name. Anyone who asked (Including the bank when he went in with his new social, and any billing issues that came up), he just said, “I felt a need to no longer be associated with my father,” and the vast majority of people were fine leaving it at that. He’s changed his to his mother’s maiden name, so he still feels a family connection (even though that name is quite a bit longer and more complicated). Occasionally, one of will refer to him by his old name, but he’s extremely gracious about saying, “Oh, no, it’s X now.” That grace has made the whole thing easier on all of us.
My youth minister in high school had to undergo a background check for his name change when he got married (Something about evading warrants? He had a couple convictions from protests he’d been to). I only know that because I was a character witness, which really just ended up being a friendly call from someone at the County Sheriff’s office. They really just asked, “are you friends with XX? And how long would you say he’s been in a relationship with YY?”
When I changed my name, I shuffled my maiden name to the “middle name” section on the Social Security form, and now I have two. They don’t actually care what names you use or how many there are. Socially, I was one last name, at my workplace at the time, I was my maiden name (Which was fine at the airport - my corporate credit card was under my maiden name, so my tickets were under that name. I just brought my social security card, and my driver’s license, so I had all names represented, and there were never any problems), and my initials are FirstMaidenMarried (FirstMarried is SS, and that always made me feel weirdly Nazi-ish, so I use SCS). In my heart of hearts, my name is and always has been, hyphenated.