Questions about changing my surname (a very difficult decision for me)

In My Humble Opinion
1

Some context: I’ve been thinking about this long and hard for the past few years and I’ve decided to change my surname. The reasons are: no one can pronounce it or spell it, and, most of all, I HATE it. I hate how it sounds and I feel it’s holding me back professionally. I have no doubt my new chosen surname will help me socially and professionally.

I don’t take the decision lightly; the thought of it causes me a great deal of pain because I don’t want to anger/alienate my father. That said, I won’t change my mind on this.

A bit more context, if you’ll bear with me: my father is a raging alcoholic (who’s absolutely in denial about it), a boorish working class man. Literally every aspect of his life is decaying around him–his house is a dilapidated, rat-infested mess (he always had the means to fix it up, but would rather spend his money on drink) and he has caused me and my brother huge embarassment and shame growing up, we continually had to defend him.

I am about as different a person from him as two people can get. He just wants me and my brother to drink all day and knock up random birds. (We’re both in our mid-20s and doing well for ourselves professionally). He looks at us like a bulldog who just licked piss from a nettle when we mention any hint of ambition or of a world outside of the pubs.

My mother nearly had a nervous breakdown before she divorced him. I won’t belabour this any more. He’s not a bad person underneath it all. But he’s volatile, gets easily offended by perceived slights against him, and he’s psychologically warped by the drink.

/context
Given that, I know he would go apeshit if I told him I was officially changing my name. My mother said it would cause “world war”.

So I decided to just choose my new name as my “preferred name”, with nothing made official, and just tell some close friends. If it comes up I can just say it’s a “pen name” that I use (I work in media/publishing). As cold as it sounds, as I get older I know me and my father won’t be in touch very much and we’ll be most likely living in different countries so I can become more and more known by my “pen name”.

I want my new name to symbolise for me a fresh start, a new identity, disassociating frp, a very shit, troubled past (I needn’t get into it here). Alright, some questions for anyone who’s made it this far:

Is there any advice you can give me on this? Maybe some of you have done something like this before? I’m wondering what aspects of this there are that I haven’t thought of.

Are there any scenarios or pitfalls that I should be aware of? An example would be a legal or professional matter. When I’m emailing people in work/my industry (or what have you) do I need to disclose my real name or can I just use my preferred name?

I’m hoping to get feedback on this, basically, and the more the better.

2

The rule of thumb I’ve read is: You can call yourself whatever you wnat provided it’s not for fraudulent or criminal purposes. However, in this wonderful world of Patriot Act and TSA, a disconnect between name used and proper identification could cause no end of trouble. Even where the “birds” are I imagine the current paranoia requires valid ID.

For example, even using “Bert” for Albert or “Chuck” for Charles may confuse a boarding gate agent enough to make you miss your flight; many such things, like airline travel, don’t even want a spelling variation between your ID’s name and your airline ticket. A completely different name could cause a problem. Ditto for banking, credit, for services like phone or internet, flat lease, even for mundane things like a monthly bus pass. These probably require ID, and the name should match the ID.

So I would suggest you change your name legally at the earliest opportunity… and get away from the source of your problems as soon as feasible. Once you’ve legally changed your name, don’t wait until a month before yo travel to replace your passport - I’ve no experience but I suspect they may spend a bit more time looking into things after a name change?

3

I assume when you legally change your name you are talking about at work, on legal documents, bank accounts etc.

So how many of your documents is your father going to see in a day? How many of your work colleagues does he speak to that he will hear you being called by your new name?

Go ahead and change it, but don’t even tell him. Chances are he won’t even know about for a good while, and by then it is done.

4

It’s not something I have personal experience with (other than changing my name when I married) but from your post, I wholeheartedly endorse your plan to change your name. I think it would be a nice signifier of moving from a troubled past to a bright future.

With regards using a preferred name in a business context, the only issue I’d see is with the company that employs you. Typically, email addresses use the format firstname.lastname@company.com and you might need to check their policies as to what variations they will allow. And obviously, if you were applying for jobs at other companies (as you will no doubt do in the future), it might raise a red flag if background checks can’t be done because your name hasn’t been officially changed.

And md2000 is right about potential pitfalls when travelling. Might be best to make it all official. Do you even need to tell your dad?

Have you decided on a new last name? My husband uses his middle name as his surname professionally (he is a novelist and like yours, his surname is difficult to pronounce and spell) and has had no issues.

5

Am I the only one curious as to what the surname is?

6

It sounds as though you have fully considered the consequences, including the realization it will hurt your dad’s feelings, and are prepared to go through with it.

I assume this board post is one last ‘have I missed any important thing?’ query to the general public.

Since you are fully aware you are dealing with someone who “gets easily offended by perceived slights” then you are no doubt prepared for your mom’s assessment of “world war”.

That is something that you should never let yourself be held back for.
I think you are covered, your plan is sound and reasonable, and you should proceed. Says the anonymous internet guy.

Good luck to you!

7

Forgot to say, whilst my husband uses a pen name professionally, he still travels under his legal name. He does need to take care when stuff like accommodation gets booked for him, as it tends to get booked under his pen name!

8

Just change it. Don’t tell your father you’re going to, just tell him after it’s already done. That way you’re not really going against his wishes. If/when he gets upset, tel him he can still refer to you using the old name. Let that be your unofficial pen name.

9

This is my favorite answer so far.

I also have a last name that is unusual and difficult to spell, but it didn’t have any particular negative emotional baggage, so I never really thought about changing it.

It sounds to me that the emotional baggage is by far the biggest reason you want to change your name, and I think that’s fine. If I had any last advice it is to suggest that changing your name, by itself, is not going to erase the ugly past that you associate with that name. You will still be the same person, with the same history and probably a lot of stuff to work out in order to be a peaceful and happy person.

I truly wish you the very best in that endeavor, and I think that changing your name legally is nevertheless a good symbolic gesture that will help you in travelling that road to peace and happiness.
Roddy

10

I know several people who do business under a different name than their legal name.

One is a good friend of ours who kept her maiden name for business purposes despite a legal change to her husband’s last name. I was always having to remember the context when I was around her because it was Smith at work and Jones at church. (Not the real names obviously.) Make sure to explain to people who know you in two different contexts what your preferences are so that they can avoid causing confusion.

The others have foreign-sounding and long names - including Indian, Russian and Slavic names. One person just kept the first syllable of the name. Another took an English sounding name that was similar to the beginning of the real name. Another spells it out phonetically.

None of them have made legal changes. Their legal name still appears on tax documents and contracts, but most of their business associates don’t know and don’t need to know the real name.

11

Something tells me that the name change alone isn’t going to change your issues for long. You are treating a symptom and not the root cause. I suggest that you consider counseling.

OR just make a clean break of it. If your father is the problem, move. Far away. Change your name. Change your entire life. then look forward and not to the past.

12

Sorry Mr. Siemin.

I agree with ZenBeam.

13

I was wondering that myself. Hating it is one thing, but how bad does a name have to be to hold you back professionally?

  • Lickballsack
  • Rapefiend
  • Hitler
14

My step-brother changed his first and last names for the reasons you gave. This was in the 70s. He didn’t encounter any problems whatsoever. He was meticulous about correcting all of his records and contacts, and it was easy-peasy.

Regarding your dad … do you live at home or are you business partners with him? I don’t see why he needs to know, anyway. If he eventually finds out, well sooner or later you just have to say, “Tough cheese” and face the old man like a grown up. If he’s rich and might write you out of the will, you could consider a “DBA … doing business as” pseudonym for strictly business purposes.

15

Where do you live? Country? Province/State/whatever?

Laws vary so any advice has to be taken into account the legal, political, social and cultural ramifications.

16

Depending on location, you may need to use the legal name in contracts (a contract drawn to a pen name would not be binding, although one can indicate that “John Smith” works under the name “Magic King” and will henceforth be called by that name). But like any legal advice, it depends on location.

17

It’s one thing to have a professional name if you write novels or whatever and have a very separate professional and real-life personas. It’s another to work in an office for a business, who will issue you cheques, perhaps book business travel, you will be at meetings with other people, etc. If you can draw an easy line between your Smith and Jones personae (?) then it’s simple. If you can’t it’s not.

Plus you have to rent a flat, get credit cards, buy a car, and all the rest of the things that people do in real life.

18

Great Fark link today with ‘unfortunate names’. Now obviously, most of them are fakes/trolls.

But I still like “Mike Litoris”. :slight_smile:

19

This, I had a similar upbringing as you did. In my 20s I also thought about changing my surname. I never did. What I did do was to move out of the area that my dad was known in. I have made my own name in life. Folks know me for what I am, not what my dad was.

In the western US one is judged more on what/who they are as opposed to who/what their father is. I found that folks who did know my dad had a tendency to link his behavior to me. “Like father like son”. In my case moving over 1000 miles away from him gave me the “new start” that I wanted.

I decided that he was not the kind of person that I wanted to be around, so I made the decision to not be around him. I rarely attend family functions, mainly because many in my family do not understand how I could reject my father. (Note: I rejected his behavior, more then I rejected him). They hold it against me that I chose to not associate with an a**hole. They made their choice and I made mine! Even though my dad is now dead, I still do not want to be associated with him. I am living a very different life then he did and I am very glad that I moved far away from him.

This worked fine for me. I think it may work for you. However, if you think that a name change is in order, DO IT!! My advice is to move far away in any case. The farther the better. The sooner the better! Today would be good. I am serious about this.

IHTH. 48.

PS. my name is also difficult to pronounce as well as difficult to spell. Good luck!

20

My big question is why the OP doesn’t have a “Fuck him.” mentality.