Quick! Advice on situation with friend/co-worker...

In My Humble Opinion
1

I have been asked to provide a reference for someone I worked with for a few weeks a couple of months ago. I’ll call her Jan. I’m feeling there is no way I can give her a reference but I don’t know how to tell her without hurting her feelings. Please help.

Backstory is Jan was with our law talkin’ government organisation for 3 or maybe 4 weeks for training/to observe. This would’ve been during September/October. During this time, she followed me around on a few days to court and seeing clients at the office. I really made sure I included Jan as much as possible and introduced her to clients, talked to her about cases, stuff like that. I ended up spending a bit of time with her.

When Jan finished up with us, I agreed to move her formal admission to practice in court. I was happy to agree to do that. It involved appearing in court with wig/gown and making a formal motion. Afterwards, we went out to dinner together. I’d figured we’d have a group of her friends and maybe people from her family, but it was just the two of us. So that was somewhat weird. We went to a favourite place of mine and had dinner and wine.

While Jan worked with us, there was a large consensus among the office (nearly all of whom are women - I’m talking 12 or so women out of a total of 15 people in the office, including me) that Jan fancied me. Jan annoyed literally everyone in the office with unsolicited advice about love life moves and suggestions to some fuller figured gals about how to lose weight (no, really - she did that). She encouraged me several times to make moves on two of the single women in the office after I conceded they were each quite attractive.

I have absolutely no interest in this person whatsoever. She has two children who are aged 4 and 1. Her husband is studying overseas and she may or may not be separating from him soon as he apparently has no attention of moving here as they’ve been apart several years. Child number two was conceived during a visit she made to him (I think).

Anyway, I have had a few text messages and phone calls from Jan and she has brought food to me at my office on the pretence of thanking me for stuff. The last time that happened was a couple of weeks ago, so maybe that won’t happen again. It is embarrassing for me in the office. She bought me a bottle of wine (thanking me for helping her) and presented it to me on a work day so all the office knew about that, too.

Now I have to find some way of telling Jan I’m not able to give her a reference. I really don’t want to offend her but I don’t know what to tell her.

Thanks in advance for any suggestions. This whole situation is quite insane and I am embarrassed to admit it is happening to me. That hopefully goes without saying.

2

“Sorry, but I don’t feel comfortable being your referee, I hope you’re able to find someone else.”

3

Other than the fact that Jan fancies you, and is callous in her comments to others, what is your reason regarding not wishing to provide her with a reference?

4

intention, even…

5

Firstly, I have not seen any of Jan’s work. Others in the office might have, but she was only observing when with me. Plus, she was with us such a short time. I couldn’t possibly have any idea of how she might go professionally.

Secondly, she was quite a nightmare in the workplace. She had no idea when she was across the line in talking to co-workers which got virtually everyone offside. Sadly, I suffer from a killer combination of high tolerance for, er, unusual folks plus apparent tendency to attract same. No doubt, the two are related somehow…

6

Just tell her, “Not happy Jan!”

7

Can’t you simply say that you didn’t know her long enough to be able to provide a defendable reference?

8

Most companies have a policy against empoyees giving out professional references, and require that such references are handled by Human Resources, you could check and use that as an out.

9

Yup.

10

this and your actual, factual ; “You never reported to me in a work situation - I cannot honestly evaluate your skills.”

11

I believe that this is the best answer. Usually when you act as a reference for someone, they ask you how the person performs in a job - you couldn’t answer these questions. If I were the one calling for references, I wouldm’t be satisfied with someone who stated, “Oh, she shadowed me for a few weeks, I never actually employed her…”

12

This might hurt her feelings, since it sounds like she expects more from you. But it sounds like you’d be happy if she left you alone anyway. This might do the trick.