Quit your sexy job!!

The BBQ Pit
1

Look baby, I know I said I was cool with it, but I’m not. I know you’re just doing it to make money and get through school, but I can’t bear the thought of you being up on stage and all those fat pigs in the crowd staring at you. I know my job at the gas station ain’t paying that much, but I swear I will support you and all of your kids if you just STOP dancing!

In fact…

::gets down on one knee and pulls out a small box:::

Since we’re here on national TV, I want to ask you if you’ll marry me… What’s that?? You want to tell me something first?? Sure, no problem, let me hear it… you know I’ll love you no matter what…

YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING WITH YOUR CUSTOMERS!!!

You fucking whore!! I’ll kill you!! You low-life skank piece of shit!! How could you do this to me!! I loved you and you betrayed me!!!

::held back by guards:::

Fuck you!! Fuck you!! You can just keep fucking those fat assholes at the bar because I’m moving out!! Would it have been that hard to just keep your legs closed for two fucking hours!! You piece of shit!!

Yeah, bring your brother out here, I don’t give a fuck! I’ll kick his little pussy ass, too! Fucking punk, don’t talk shit to me!

::held back by guards::

Motherfucker!! Fuck, shit, piss, ass, cock, cunt, bitch, whore!!!

YOU’RE SLEEPING WITH HIM?!?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK!!?!?!?

I kill the both of you!! Sick-ass pieces of white trash shit!! Your sick, the both of you!! Yeah, you can have her fat ass, you little bitch-ass pussy, but not before I kick the shit out of you! Fuck you!! Fuck you!! Fuck you!!!

::grabs a chair and guards intervene::

I’ll break this shit over your head, motherfucker!!!

::Finally settles down and takes seat::

You’ve got one more thing to say?? So what, I don’t give a fuck, why don’t you just go backstage and screw your brother, you whore piece of shit… Okay, fine, I’ll listen…
YOU’RE A MAN!!!

2

Ahhh, the joy that is Jerry Springer. (Right? Am I right? Please don’t tell me that happened to you…)

3

And I’ve been sleeping with your pet dog, Woofy!

Woofy! You bitch!!

Why do I suddenly have this Weird Al song running through my head?

4

Hey man, that woman’s a ho, man. She’s jest a ho. I think you should kick her ass to the curb, you know what I’m sayin’? You can’t have her disrespecting you like that… shut up bitch! I said you can’t have her disrespecting you like that! Word!

5

That’s no worse than Maury Povich. Have you seen this show lately. At least 75% of the episodes (I’m NOT exaggerating) are “Wild Teens go to Boot Camp.” And EVERY time a kid walks out onto that stage, she screams “YOU DON’T KNOW ME! YOU DON’T KNOW ME!”

Yeah, you set fire to 12 cars and had sex with a stranger while your mother was lying in bed asleep next to you, but you know what? You’re right! We DON’T know you! You probably had a perfectly valid excuse for this behavior.

The best part is the end of the show when Maury says “Has boot camp changed these teens? Let’s find out!”

Uhhh, did boot camp change the teens from the last 60 episodes that you had with this exact same topic, Maury?

6

I admit it. I watch Jerry Springer sometimes (yes, Americans. This is one of the cultural examples that made it to this side of the pond). Usually, it’s just for laughs. When I’m with friends, we start counting down 5 to 1, and usualy at 1, punches and/or chairs fly.

My favourite shows are the ones with racist groups like the Klan. Absolutely surreal. I hear a lot of J.S. is pretty much choreographed, but what about those Klan episodes? Are they bogus too?

7

Whenever I try and watch Springer, I eventually get to a point where I am so embarrassed for everyone involved that I have to turn the channel in disgust.

At that exact moment, if I listen very carefully, I can hear Nero rosining up his bow…

Yer pal,
Satan

[sub]TIME ELAPSED SINCE I QUIT SMOKING:
Four months, 7 hours, 39 minutes and 36 seconds.
4892 cigarettes not smoked, saving $611.59.
Life saved: 2 weeks, 2 days, 23 hours, 40 minutes.[/sub]

"Satan is not an unattractive person."-Drain Bead
[sub]Thanks for the ringing endorsement, honey!*[/sub]

8

Springer is quite funny. It makes me feel very lucky that maybe, * just maybe * there are people really like that.

until next time, take care of yourself, and each other.

9

Yes, it’s all funny. And everybody watches it just for kicks. Even the producers know this and this is directly who they cater too; people, “not really watching, just for kicks.” This is also why it is all fake.

At least with Springer.

None of the other talk shows make any sense at all. Then again, none of them are as violent.

10

I think my favorite was the dwarf (thats what Jerry called them, I don’t know PC term) klan members. Then jerry brought up some black militant dwarves who wanted all little people to unite against tall folks. But the Klan members wouldn’t team up with them, so they started a rumble. I expected one of those bouncers to start up some dwarf tossing next. ahhh, good times, good times.

11

I love all the commercials: Get out of debt easily, just declare bankruptcy, Get a free psychic reading, find lost persons, call the date line, etc. etc. etc. Most of the commercials are even more comical than the show itself. They really tell you what the advertizers think of the Springer viewing audience.

12

Oh, the commercials are half the fun. It’s funny because if you watch Wimbledon, or the Masters or something like that they will show ads for investing in mutual funds and Mercedes Benz, while Springer’s ads are for “THE SEXIEST SPRING BREAK EVER!!” and “Wild College Co-eds!”

neutron - It seems like all the other non-Springer talk shows are doing the boot camp theme a lot. Sally Jesse Raphael comes to mind. But I think those are pretty funny, especially when they drag the kids out to some field in Georgia, and some drill sergeant starts screaming at them. They usually break, one by one.

freak - Werd, my brutah. That bitch has been ridin’ my jock for the last two years!! She need to melt down all those gold teeth and buy a new weave, because that shit look like its made outta dog hair!

13

Jubei, you needs to drop that zero and gets with a real lady. And you, miss thang, you ain’t all that. You ain’t even part of that- don’t front being a woman when you gots some Jimmy Dean in your Hanes.

14

I occasionally watch Springer.

As Max the Rabbit (of Sam and Max fame) once said, “let’s go look at all the people we’re glad we’re not.”

15

It seems as if at least some of the material is faked. I personally think alot more than some of it is faked.

In an E! Online interview with Jerry, he admits in a very roundabout way that some of the stuff is faked. The link is:
http://www.eonline.com/Celebs/Qa/Springer/interview3.html

Still, the episodes are at least good for drinking games at a party!

16

I once saw an interview with Jerry where he admitted that sometimes when it gets too boring, they bleep out mundane words so it sounds more interesting.

17

I actually met Jerry Springer. (No, I’m not making this up. He came to my school, which paid him $5,000 to come and speak. How’s THAT for surreal? I wrote about the event for the school paper.) I didn’t talk to Springer himself a lot, but I did have a minor argument with his publicist. What she said is that they don’t stage anything. But they DO search high and low for fruitcakes. And “staging” is a tricky term. The guests aren’t coached, nor are they actors, but the producer might imply to them what would make a good show. And then they (the guests) might start showing off for the crowd, and so on and so forth. We’re not talking about very note-worthy individuals here. They think “hey, I’m on TV!” and just go nuts.
God only knows where they get those Klan guests. Maybe the gene pool needs a little chlorine.

18

I’ve long had this fantasy of getting together with one of my female friends and going on Springer with the story that we met on the Internet, I fell in love and left my husband for this person then found out she was a woman when we met in IRL.

And get a male friend to come along pretending to be my ex-hubby and tearfully beg him to take me back.

I don’t know if I could do it and keep a straight face.

19

There is no surer way to get me to turn off the television and not watch it for the rest of the day than to subject me to five minutes of a daytime talk show.

20

In the few times I’ve had the patience to sit through a half hour of “bleep, bleep…you bleeping bleeeeep” I once saw a young man whose SO told him she was (a man,a stripper, lesbian, cheating, a cheating lesbian man-stripper),whatever it was, and he silently stood up and left. I couldn’t believe good taste had won out! Sure enough, they cut to the back room and there’s a bunch of producers or something begging him to go back out. Unfortunately, he eventually gave in and the predictable near-fistfight ensued.

Also, I am deeply saddened that this mind-killing pablum has escaped the U.S. borders. Coldfire, they’re not really Americans! It’s all computer-generated, I swear!