I searched for an Earl quote thread but didn’t find one …seems like we woulda had one of these by now.
In case there hasn’t been one, I’ll submit this one:
Joy: (talking to her kids) I swear if you kids don’t behave, I’ll smack you so hard you’ll switch colors.
Not sure if I got it exact,but I got a big laugh out of it.
JOY: “Hey Dummy,” (swings open her bathrobe) “you know where babies come from?”
RANDY: (points) “From the bottom of that fuzzy lightning bolt”
Earl (to Randy): “The doctor did say you were borderline artistic.”
“That’s not a Caesarian scar! That’s where my prom date stabbed me!” -Joy
Look Joy, people don’t want to help you when you insult them. That’s why that troop of “flat chested pygmy sluts” won’t deliver girl scout cookies to ya anymore. – Earl
I’m not stuck. I’m keeping my hand cold for a guy that’s into dead people. - - Patty the Daytime Hooker
Sorry sweetheart I don’t speak maid – Joy to Catalina
Earl - Randy’s afraid of birds. And that big hat the pope wears. But that’s just because he thinks there’s a chicken under it.
Earl’s mom to Earl: Earl, one of you is bad, and one of you is just slow. And you’re the bad one.
Randy: Which one am I mama?
“It’s like saying Def Leppard has an awesomeness problem.”
Yes, I have Pyromania on CD. And yes, I crank up *Rock of Ages * every chance I get.
“I will not jump for Joy”
“I’m not listening to you!” - in context, this was hysterical.
Two from Joy:
" I don’t care if she is Vietnamese, Chinese, or Chucky Cheese."
" …all over me like a creepy uncle."
Randy: Remember when Hepatitis Bob had sex with your mattress, and I got you a new one so you wouldn’t get whatever disease it is that Hepatitis Bob has?
So many great lines… but relatively few have stuck in my mind, alas.
“Wakey, wakey, hands off snakey!” - Earl, to his brother Randy, first thing in the morning
“I’ve gotta go poop!” - the wheelchair-bound old coot with the newspaper subscription
“Will you unhook me from this damn thing so that I can have a normal conversation with Earl?” - Joy, after the lie-detector keeps going off
“Joy, huh? I haven’t thought of how much better I am than her in ever so long.” - the former Little Miss Pretty Pretty champion
“Are we gonna die in here?” - Randy, hanging in the abandoned water tank
“No!.. Maybe… Probably.” - Earl, as the days pass
“Riiiiiiiiiiiiicola!” - Randy, checking out the echo
“I asked him if he had the stuff, but it turned out the stuff he had was the same as my stuff, so I got out of there fast.” - Randy, having an unwanted close encounter with a gay guy on the street
“Hey, Earl!”
“Hey, Crabman!” - Darnell and Earl’s repeated friendly greeting
“Clearly a dromedary.” - Darnell, on the illustration in the book Lawsuits for Dummies
“It’s OK. It was either her or me.” - Catalina, shrugging off her mother’s untimely death