So, you are shocked/surprised to find that Randy Quaid is calling you. Turns out he and Evi need a place to crash.
Your reply?
“You guys didn’t hear it from me, but my neighbors down the street just moved.”
“Randy, I’d sure like to accommodate you, but I lost most of my money when the worm farm went bust, and the rest went to that preacher who was screwing the hockey player. But once Ruby Sue gets cured off the Wild Turkey and Rusty gets promoted from his job barking for the Yak Woman, we should be able to set up a tent for you in the back yard. You could stay in my RV, but the shitter’s full.”
“The Government called just before you did. They say you can’t.”
Ouch. You realize that was all a misunderstanding, right?
Glad to have you. Make yourself at home.
No extra bedrooms, but the chicken shed up on the hill is currently empty.
Wow, If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am now
Quickly improvise something not-so-friendly sounding in mock Japanese. Scratch that; he might actually know a few words of Japanese; better make it mock Korean.
“Sure, we’d be happy to have ya!”
<give him the address of some people I don’t like, get a bowl of popcorn and a video camera, sit across from their house and enjoy the show>
“Okay, but only if you bring ‘the good stuff’, and don’t be stingy with it!” 
“Go sell crazy someplace else, we’re all stocked up here.”
Personally, (and seriously) I would welcome the Quaids with open arms, assuming it would be one helluva ride. If I needed to get a loan afterwords to pay for the damages, so be it.
“Sure thing. I’m in Apartment (number of the assholes across the hall). The lock is kinda sticky, it might be a bit tough to get in. Sorry about that. I’ll be home later.”
While I hide in my apartment, gun in one hand, cell phone in the other, already having dialled 9-1.
“How the fuck did you get my number?”
Most likely I wouldn’t answer it. I screen my calls.
One of my all time favorite movie quotes:
Eddie: Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I’d piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so.
Anyway, if they wanted to stay at our house I’d politely decline. Or make a joke about how we’re always running the microwave.
No problem, but I’m need enough warning to arrange broadcast rights and hide all the cameras.