To be fair, I think Tarkin meant the Jedi religion, or whatever term you would call the Jedi and Sith’s relationship to the Force. And I don’t think the Emperor went around advertising his powers. That’s what Vader was for.
Obi-Wan: The Force is what gives a Jedi his power. It’s an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together. See, there are these things called midichlorians, right…
Han Solo: Afraid I was gonna leave without giving you a goodbye kiss?
Princess Leia: I’d just as soon kiss my own brother.
Han Solo: I can arrange that. You could use a good kiss.
He wasn’t doubting the existance of Jedi, just their Force magic. Kind of like how people nowadays think Ninjas couldn’t do all that crazy Ninja shit.
I’m sure they cut out most of the trip back to Alderan where Kenobi and Senator Organa played space poker or whatever to pass the time.
[Luke and Han are being flown out to the Sarlac pit on one of Jaba’s skiffs]
Luke: You aren’t missing much. I was born here you know…
Han: You know actually you weren’t. You just got the shit end of the “who goes to Jerkwater Tatooine and and who goes to Alderan” coin toss.
It occurs to me that there is never a scene where Luke, Leia and Obi Wan are together long enough for Obi Wan to say “stop looking at your sister like that.”
Luke: My father didn’t fight in the Clone Wars. He was a navigator on a spice freighter.
Obi-Wan: That’s what your uncle told you. Your father was a nine year old slave I won in a bet and took with me to help fight a droid army of occupation.
I doubt Tarkin was implying Obi-Wan would have died of natural causes. :dubious:
Obi-wan, the last time he talks to Luke (in force ghost form): “Oh, and by the way, you can block force lightning with your lightsaber, that may come in handy sometime, just a tip.”
Luke: All right, I’ll give it a try.
Yoda: No. Try not. Do… or do not. There is no try. You don’t hear me bragging about how I “tried” to kill the emperor, do you?
I think he was. They knew he survived the great Jedi massacre. If he’d been killed doing Jedi or rebel stuff, surely the Empire would have heard.
Aunt Beru: He’s got too much of his father in him. Well, I’m guessing. Really I wouldn’t know. I mean, I met him that one time when your stepmom got abducted but it was just a ‘Hey, this is my stepmom’s son Annakin, this is my fiancee Beru’ type thing, then he was off and the next thing we know he’s back, your mom’s dead, and so’s pretty much every Sand person within 50 miles. Which, between you and me, didn’t really make me cry- the part about Sand people, not your stepmom, that was sad. So really all I know about his dad is that he was blonde and skinny and killed Sandpeople. Luke’s not particularly skinny but he sort of dirty blonde, and I guess if he’s got a lot of his father in him it means he’ll kill Sand people, which let’s face it isn’t exactly going to make him the least popular guy on Tattooine, so… well, yeah, I know, something about his dad turning to the Dark Side yadda blah, but really that was when he was with Ben and we don’t know Annie’s side of it, I mean you’re a guy called Annie it does things, that’s why I like the name Luke. Plus Annie met that Naboo princess and that’s what messed him up, him and the chickenhawk emperor… so I think as long as we keep Luke away from Naboo princesses he’ll be okay and we shouldn’t have Sand people. Well, the blue liquid stuff’s ready, so let’s eat and drink.
Luke: Leia, do you remember your mother? Your real mother?
Princess Leia: Not really. She died when I was very young.
Luke: What do you remember?
Princess Leia: Well… she was kind of comatose and covered with afterbirth and had some surgical droids flying around her… and there was this other baby there and… oh my God! That was you!
Luke: Yes.
Princess Leia: Wow! So… how ya been?
Luke: We kissed that time on Hoth…
Princess: Yeah… it was… kinda…
Luke: Hot for me.
Princess: Yeah… but let’s not talk about it.
Ben: That boy is our last hope.
Yoda: No. There is another.
Ben: Who? Oh yeah… Leia. Why do I keep forgetting about her?
Yoda: Sexist Obi Wan has always been.
Ben: Yeah. Totally irrational of me… I mean, not like all the she-Jedi got wiped out and only guys survived or not like it was all because of a piece of Naboo tail that got this whole thing started to begin with. Excuse the hell out of me.
Yoda: Bitchy Obi Wan is since death.
Ben: Yeah. Something about getting eviscorated and evaporated by a transmechanical former student will do that to you. [under breath]Senile lizard.[/under breath]
Yoda:[under breath]Drama queen.[/under breath]
long pause
Yoda: Another game of pichnochle?
Ben: Yeah, sure.
Ben: Your father was betrayed and murdered by another student named Darth Vader.
Luke: But… Darth means ‘dark lord of the Sith’ and is by definition a title used for Jedi who’ve turned to the dark side. Wasn’t that a give away?
Ben: Well, his name wasn’t Darth Vader at the time.
Luke: What was his name before it was Darth Vader?
Ben: Annakin Skywal… ton…sen. Annakin Skywaltonsen. Yeah, Annakin was a common name back in those times. Yep. I could go for something to drink couldn’t you?
The evil lord Darth Vader
obsessed with finding young
Skywalker, has dispatched
thousands of remote probes
into the far reaches of space…
…he could’ve saved
himself some time
by looking on his
home planet, specifically
in his step-brother’s house…
**Luke: So I am a Jedi.
Yoda: No, not yet. You must face your father…
[dramatic pause]
Yoda: And one more thing. The Emperor has this dark power called “force lightning”. If he uses it, turn on your light saber and it will absorb the lightning. In fact, you could redirect it back to him as well. Seriously, beware that lightning. It’s terrible.
**
You know, when you guys spell these out like this it really brings home once again what a mess the prequels made of any continuity.
Or coherence, even.
LUKE
Obi-Wan! Why didn’t you tell me?
The ghost of Ben Kenobi approaches him through the swamp.
LUKE
You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my
father.
BEN
You father was seduced by the dark side of
the Force. He ceased to be Anakin Skywalker
and became Darth Vader. When that happened,
the good man who was your father was
destroyed. So what I have told you was
true… from a certain point of view.
LUKE (turning away, derisive)
A certain point of view!
BEN
Luke, you’re going to find that many of the
truths we cling to depend greatly on our own
point of view.
LUKE
It’s not just that he was my father and you never told me… it’s that… later stuff.
BEN
What later stuff?
LUKE
Okay, my dad is changed, or dead, whatever your ‘point of view’ is, right? So you take me and my sister.
BEN
I sure did that thing, babe.
LUKE
Okay, you decide you have to keep us safe from my dad. So you give my sister to the royal family of a world that has no connection to my father. Okay, that I understand, that was smart.
BEN
Thank you.
LUKE
And then there’s me. Okay, so there’s thousands of inhabited star systems in the Galactic Empire and tens maybe hundreds of thousands of worlds, right? You’ve got Wookie planets and ice planets and all kinds of weird ass reptile planets and that planet of the digitally animated cloning people and the E.T. planet and I’m assuming all of these probably have human inhabitants as well…
BEN
By now, probably. All species get around.
LUKE
Okay, so you hide me… by looking up Anakin Skywalker’s next of freaking kin and letting me grow up with some rube moisture farmer and his wife? I mean, they were nice people and all, but Ben! I grew up like 10 miles away from Vader’s birthplace!
BEN
That’s the beauty of it. Hiding you in open view and all.
LUKE
And not even like with a Tatooine royal family or crimelord who could protect me but a moisture farmer? What were they supposed to do if Vader found out where I was?
BEN
Well, moisture farmers are scrappy. And…
LUKE
Oh yeah! You saw how scrappy they were when the stormtroopers came by! Did you not see the charred skeletons?
BEN
Did it ever occur to you Luke that it was a murder suicide? Your Uncle Lars and Aunt Beru had been having some problems…
LUKE
Bullshit! The stormtroopers did them in without the force or anything! Just blasters…
BEN
That’s a theory.
LUKE
And okay, there’s Leia, going to the best of schools, growing up a frigging princess… a princess Ben! Involved with the revolution since she could walk, and I can’t even ride into town until I’ve sponge bathed a droid… and oh, by town, I mean WHERE MY FATHER GREW UP! If he ever wanted to look for me it’d be the most obvious place in the universe!
BEN
Which is precisely why he’d never think to look there!
LUKE
He’s a master of dark and forbidden wisdom! He could have done it!
BEN
He’d never have found you even if…
LUKE
His mom’s buried in my back yard of where I grew up! What if he’d come to pay his respects at some point?
BEN
Too traumatic. He wouldn’t have…
LUKE
He killed whole star systems! I think he could have braved the emotions! And if he’d come there…
BEN
I would have protected you…
LUKE
You live 20 miles away, don’t have a landspeeder, and let’s face it, last time you fought you didn’t do too well…
BEN
I’d have blocked his mind with the force… He’d never have found you.
LUKE
No, he never would have, UNLESS HE’D CALLED TATTOOINE INFORMATION AND SAID ‘HEY, GOT ANY LISTINGS NEAR MOS EISLEY FOR LAST NAME ‘SKYWALKER’?’ You didn’t even change my name Ben! I was the only Skywalker in the galaxy and you didn’t think he was going to notice that the guy who blew up the Death Star is a boy from Tattooine named Skywalker? “Gee, I wonder if he’s one of the Tattooine Skywalkers that I knew? You know, I’ve got a kid about his age somewhere. His name would be Skywalker too… but he wouldn’t be on Tattooine BECAUSE NOBODY’S FRIGGING STUPID ENOUGH TO HIDE THE ONLY SKYWALKER IN THE GALAXY WHERE HIS DAD GREW UP!”
BEN
Alright. I’m sorry. Everything is my fault. EVERYTHING! The Whoooooooooooooole rebellion and end of the Jedi and everything else is all just my fault! Excuse the hell out of me!
LUKE
It is your fault Ben!
YODA
A point the young Skywalker has.
BEN
You’re dead!
YODA
So are you. I’m back.
BEN
Stay dead you lizardling fart.
YODA
At least from this side more damage do you cannot.
BEN
"La la la la la la… I’m sorry Yoda, did you say something? I was busy ignoring you.
YODA
I said, sometimes dead is bettah.
LUKE
And you never even told me I had a sister, not even when we were going to rescue her.
BEN
I wanted it to be a surprise.
LUKE
And…
BEN
Luke, your true issues are with your father! That he never was there for you, that he never paid support, that he never took an interest in your life…
LUKE
Oh right! That’s it! It’s daddy issues, not the fact that an old man hides me in the first place that an insane guy would look for his kid if he even is insane! How do you know he wouldn’t have made a wonderful dad!
BEN
Do you know, Luke, not once have you asked me who your mother is? Or even if she’s alive or dead?
[pause]
LUKE
Who was my mother? And is she alive or is she dead?
BEN
[bitchily]
I don’t remember.
LUKE
Who was my mother Ben? WHO WAS SHE!?
BEN
[as brother boy]
My mind’s a blank.
LUKE
Tell me now old man!
BEN
Oops. My ectoplasm is run out.
{Ben vanishes}
LUKE
Yoda! Who was my mother!? Tell me everything you know about her?
YODA
Yoda, my name is. And you are?
LUKE
Shit! Even dead he’s still senile. Artoo let’s get the hell out of here.
YODA
Pichnochle?
LUKE
Okay fine. One game. I want to miss the interstellar rush anyway.
Sampiro wins. 
No shit. I was practically crying I was laughing so much when I got to “Sexist Obi Wan has always been.”
To be fair, Solo may well have heard of the Jedi, but just didn’t have much regard for their alleged powers. You can see this in the dialog in the Extra-Extended Fur Sure Canonical Super Spendy Edition: Oh, Obi-Wan, what are you trying to do, scare me? You sound like my mother. We’ve known each other for a long time. I don’t believe in magic, a lot of superstitious hocus pocus. I’m going after a chick with incredible fiscal significance, you’re talking about the boogie man. Besides, you know what a cautious fellow I am. tosses loaded blaster across the room
Jabba, of course, has been around a long time on Tatooine and the time of the Old Republic, so he knows all about Jedi. At least, until Lucas gets busy with another mucked up revised edition.
If you really one continuity and canonicity, even Episodes 4-6 are pretty questionable. You really need to go back to the source material to get everything straight; by that I mean The Lord of the Rings, Flash Gordon Conquers the Universe, The Hidden Fortress, The Guns of Navarone, The Dam Busters, Twelve O’Clock High, and of course, The Star Wars Holiday Special.
Good watching!
Stranger
Dayumn. Sampiro, you need to get these to Seth Green, and see if he wants to do another Robot Chicken Star Wars special.
ETA: Not to take away from the hilarity of the other contributions, but still.
Chewbacca, at ceremony at end of ANH: AaarrrAAAAAaaaghhh!
New subtitling: What. The. FUCK?! I mean I got stiffed by that little green bastard when I saved his ass during the Clone War with his “You I thank, Chewbacca” and not even a lousy tip and now I don’t even get a medal?! I’m gonna start ripping these cheap fuckers some new assholes. Pricks.
bubastis for the win!